Four and a half months

It is hard to belive sometimes that Isaac has only been with us 4.5 months. A lot has happened in all of this time, and now we are at the stage where it is hard to remember life before being a family of four. Both the boys are learning lots about this dynamic, but I think John and I have had to do the most learning. Just the little things like going to a birthday party with 2 kids, or getting them in the car, or managing car line at school, or the grogery store dynamic have all come with huge learning curves accoplished by trial and error.

Emerson has had to do a lot of growing up so that we can really teach Isaac the basics about behavior in public, expectations with property, what to eat and not to eat, how to appropriately interact with friends at a party... Fortunately (and saddle) Emerson is also just naturaly becoming more indipendant. He does not want me to hover over him at a birthday party, while Isaac wants to assign me a place to stand and he looses it if I move from that spot. Unfortunately, this means that I have to trust that Emerson is going to stay out of trouble which is a long shot on a good day.

Another thing that is challenging with having two boys 4 months apart with them added to our family at different times, is the struggle they are having with dominance. When Isaac is out, he is not assertive at all. If a kid takes his toy he will looks sad, and possibly cry, but he is not going to try and keep it, and definately would not try and get it back. Emerson on the other hand will obsesively gard the toy and would fight to the bitter end to keep control of it, just for the principal of personal possessions.

At home though it is a different story. Isaac is still not assertive but is very agressive with Emerson over what he deams to be his stuff. If Emerson takes a toy of Isaacs, fist start flying and he screams and crys like a baby. What perplexes me though is that he knows Emerson is stronger, but he will regularly take his things almost begging for a fight. I can't figure this one out for the life of me. The challenge is that once they get going they are pretty evenly matched. Fortunately they are both getting better at using their words which can prevent a lot of the problems in the long run. It will be nice when Isaac trust his voice and can speak clearer.

Speaking of speaking, he is comming a long way but has a long way to go still. When he came home the only phase he could say was "I don't know." Now he rattles off sentances and songs, but unforuntately it is still very difficult to understand him and he gets lazy with running his words together. He is already getting shy about speach. If I ask him to slow down and repeat him self, he shuts down. This worries me, because as a teacher the harest kind of kid to teach is the one that won't try. Hopefuly his confidence will start to grow in this regard.

We are also struggling with Isaac seeking negative attention. I have expereinced this with at risk teens but never with someone so young. Isaac knows the basic rules of the house now. He knows he must ask to get down from the table, he knows he can't throw toys in the house and he knows he can' dump his drink or plate becase he doesn't like what is on/in it. Regardless though he will look strait at me or John and dump out a glass of water because he wanted milk, or he will throw a christmas ordimate across the room and laugh when it smashes. It is like he way of garenting that he will get some attention and one on one time and he doesn't seem to care that it is negative. It happens when we are busy, or when I have to take care of someone else and I get it, he needs more of me. The frustrating thing is that I am one person who works 50+ hours a week, has food to prepare, a house to keep clean a garden to grow, a husband to love and two children.

While we have come a long way, we still have a long way to go.

So is it because he is 3 or adoption?

This is a question adoptive parents ask a lot. Maybe more so than those who have both bio and adopted children. Now that we have managed to work through many of the glaring issues we are seeing more and more of our new little man. Many of his personality traits are just that, him. Some though cause me concern. When I mention this outside of the adoption community I get, "well all kids go through that, or my kid does that." Then I talk to others with kids who were born with a cleft pallet and I find that there is a set of characteristic behavior these kids all have in common. When I talk to the adopting community I here words and phrases like Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Then add to all of that being 3 with very limited communication skills with only 4 months of having someone even listen to you and only 2 months of hearing what anyone is saying.

Writing this helps me see it is all a combination of things that creates this perfect storm.

Don't get me wrong, life is not a total storm with Isaac, but it is definitely filled with warm and cold fronts, high and low pressure areas. The problem is we have not found the key to interpreting his temperaments.

This past Thursday and Saturday I found myself very worried for him. Here are the things that concern me:
1. Hugs are on his terms. If I approach for one 60% of the time I am pushed away. He still likes them, but he must initiate. The other 40% no big deal if I sneak one in.
2. He answers "No" to almost verything first, then turns around and ask for the same thing after he just told you "No." Can we say opposite world?
3. Seriously pout behavior that is not fun to be around. You know someone like this. Everyone is having fun laughing and playing and there is the one kid in the corner who just won't join in and has a scowl on their face. He can snap out of it but it takes a ton of work on our part.
4. Night Terrors. For those who have not experienced one as a parent, count yourself as very lucky. There are terrifying. If he is off schedule with sleep, or if he falls asleep anywhere other than his bed, all hell is going to break loose when he "wakes up." He is not the same person and he can cry hysterically without consolation for up to 45 minutes.
5. Playing dumb despite major consequences. John and I have very few rules. One is that both boys must ask "May I get down please" after meals. Both boys know it and have said it 100's of times. For some reason Isaac will just refuse or play dumb when it comes time to do this.

Ok E is up now so I must go.

Life on who's terms

I would like to belive that all is well with Isaac, but I must admit we and he have a lot of hard emotional work to do. Yes, we have made great progress but it is like the old saying "The more you know, the less you know." The futher we come with him, the more apparent his suffering is.

Today is Veteran's Day so I am home for work. On work days I normaly am up at 5am and out the door by 5:45. Becuase I was home the boys came running into our room and we let the crawl in bed for some family time. Emerson is very used to this, but it is rare that Isaac is up early enoguh to take part. It was glaringly obvious this morning that Isaac had a huge internal struggle going on. He wanted so baddly to cuddle, to enjoy the closeness, but it was so forighn to him that he was on edge the whole time. If things became slightly uncomfortable for him he would start thrashing his arms or crying hystericaly. Back to the world of 0-60 on emotions.

Later on this morning I also caught him staring at him self in the mirror while pawing at his hair (this is his new nervous tick.) He looked at him self with such sadness that I was close to tears. My attempts to cheer him were met with resistance. My attempts to acknowldge his pain were met with resistance, a hug "NO!" walk away "NO" sad? "NO" mad "NO!" It is so hard to watch a 3.5 year old try and processes something so complicated as abandonment x 3.

His other big thing right now is that things must be on his terms. If I go to give him a hug he will sometimes push me away, two seconds latter he is crying out for a hug. If I state we should go outside and play he says no, the goes outside without me and screams at me to follow. This has got to stop. I recognize that many kids who have expereinced similar trama do this behavior, but I also know it is because they want to be in charge because in the past the adults were not worthy of the honor.

It is a lot of work for us and requires an insane amount of patience. The good news is that he does cuddle, he does make eye contact, he loves to read in the rocking chair.

With all this said, I want to let my readers know that it is national adoption month. I want you to know that there are still 145 million kids out there that need homes, I want you to know the longer it takes for their forever family to bring them home, the harder life is for them, I want you to know that it is not ok for us to forget the horors these kids face, or even worse to forget they are out there. Kids need families that love them through thick and thin, and the orphans that remanied traped through buracracy need our voice to shout out that an institution is not an acceptable alternative.

Loving thorugh the rough spots

Tonight something amazing happened. Well it didn't just come about tonight, but it seemed to click. I need to back up a bit though because I have been a really bad blogger and one busy mama. This past weekend was pretty hectic. On Saturday John did a booth at the Moss Rock Festival for our business "The Backyard Pantry." I took the boys, and we had some very fun moments. Most of the time though was spent with me being pulled in two very different directions. They rarely wanted to do the same thing at the same time, so I had to do a lot of refereeing and shouting at one of them to come back. Typical Emerson would take off and run though the crowds to participate in his favorite festival game, people bowling. But, dragging Isaac along to chase Emerson is flat out not an option, unless I want to look like that crazy mom that was caught on tape dragging her child through a department store.

Unfortunately I made a poor choice. We stayed too long and I did not feed Isaac often enough. Both are a recipe for disaster. He still deals with these needs not being met in the same way an infant would. And like the parent of an infant I felt lost once the mood went sour. Unfortunately he is 3.5 and it is much harder to manage and/or shift the melt down once it starts. In the end it all worked out but it taught me a lot. Naps and food are non-negotiable for Isaac. He looses all faith in us as parents if he does not get food on a regular schedule. If he is over tired he reverts.

That night John and I were actually able to have a long talk after the boys went to bed about how both the boys are doing. We acknowledged how far they have come as brothers and how incredibly far Isaac has come in the 4 months we have known him. We have worked with him to stop some huge behavior issues, he is a health weight, he has communication skills, his comprehension is growing by leaps and bounds. We also acknowledged that he is starting to get that we are his parents, and what that concept even is.

His biggest issue right now is his need to test us constantly. He will regularly do manipulative things just to see how we will react. The other day I caught him sitting on Emerson while crying as if he was the one getting tortured. I silently watched from the hall and when they looked up and saw me they both started laughing hysterically. It taught me a lot.

On Sunday John had a booth set up at the Jewish Food Festival/Green Living Fair. This was a much more manageable event for the boys. Lots of food was available, the area was fenced, there was a bouncy castle, and we left before nap time. Lots of fun was had.

Now to the big event for today. Tonight Isaac was asleep when I got home, and he was still asleep when dinner was ready. John decided to wake him up for dinner to avoid the whole hunger thing latter. Well unfortunately Isaac suffers from night terrors, and waking him up can often put him in a very awkward state of mind. He became hysterical and there was no good way to get him out of it. Finally, John just held him while he cried and then I came in to sit with him, while he continued to cry. Emerson then had to come in, and when he did he put his hand on Isaac's shoulder and said, "It's Ok Isaac, I have bad dreams too." All of the sudden he snapped out of it and joined us for dinner. Mind you he cried hard and hysterical for 20 min, and 10 sec. latter he skipped to dinner like nothing had happened.

What I found to be beautiful about all of this is it really seemed like at that moment Isaac understood what a family was and that we are really here for him. It sure felt good.

Life with no TV

Recently we moved and when we did we made a big choice. We decided to leave our TV's in the boxes and not get any service. This was not toaly new to us as we had lived without television service in Oregon for 8 years and really we did not have it in our pre-married lives either. We did always have a TV that we could watch movies on, but alas that is no longer either.

Why you might ask? There were several huge factors.
1. Emerson was absurdly addicted. So much that when he was called to dinner, had guest over or asked to turn it off he would go into hysterics. He would beg to leave the park so that he could go home and watch TV. Then to top it off he was making really poor choices of what to watch. While I appreciate Batman's desire to save the world, I am not so happy with the kung-fo moves that he taught my son.

2. We were choosing to watch mindless TV way too much. We would stay up way too late and be over tired the next day. I would not want to read to the boys because I had to see the next dance on "Dancing with the Stars" or the end of a good HGTV show. In all reality we have way too much to do to spend our precious little time watching someone else do something.

3. Our boys need us right now. They need us to be present, well rested and a part of their life. "I" is growing at lightning speed both physically and developmentally and we need to be there for that.

4. It did help that our local cable company did not service our area either and the other option was way too much $

So what is life now with out TV, you might ask?
I love it and can't see going back anytime soon. "E" has not totally caught onto it yet. He still checks out DVS's every time we go to the library. When he gets home he asked to watch it. I then calmly explain to him that we don't have anything to watch it on. The other day when we went through this talk (again) he just said, "can I go play baseball?" Yes my dear, you are 4 and that is what you are supposed to do.

Tonight we spend 2 hours playing outside. We picked persimmons from our tree, we told stories in our new TP, the boys and I cleaned all the water out of the sand box, we built a train track, they helped make pizza dough, we read books , then we finished off the night with a board game.

I watched the boys create, experiment, explore, absorb and play with such bliss and intensity tonight. I was so proud of them as they each found something that interested them and went for it.

This is why we got rid of the TV and I am so happy. We worked so hard to bring our little ones into our lives and I don't want to miss a moment.

Three months later

It is sometimes hard to believe that "I" has only been in our family for three months. It seems like this is how chaotic things have always been. The other night John and I took the time to look back through all of our pictures from when we first met him. It was amazing to see how far he has come. So here is my working list from the last two months.

1. Eating and gorging: What can I say, the kid has a huge appetite. He regularly out eats John and usually cleans E's plate after dinner. He does not have to always have food with him anymore and he does not beg for food at each new location. He will still tell me he is hungry after a huge meal, but I am sure it is a power thing.

2. Digestion Issues: We now know with out a doubt that he is allergic to dairy. One small bit = big time stomach upset. Now that we have cut it out 100% he has gained 7 lbs in 3 months.

3. Drugs: He came off all the drugs they had him on in August. We had him take melatonin for a while to help with sleep but now he does not even need that. We are also not seeing the wild behavior we did when he first came off the medicine.



3. Behavior: I am happy to say that this is the area we have come the furthest in. When "I" came to us he did not have any consistency in regards to behavior and when he was drugged he didn't have to try because he was so out of it. He now gets it. When I give him a choice of "sit down in the bath tub" or "go strait to bed." He sits down. He realizes he has a choice and that we have rules. Sure he messes up but it is more like 30% of the time rather than 95%. This process has not been fun or for the faint of heart and I am sure we will still have new challenges and backwards steps. But for now I feel like we are closing the 3.5 year gap that we started with.

4. Potty: Isaac is mostly potty trained in the day.He is very good about asking and even asked at school the other day. He can't stand and Pee, but one step at a time. We are still working on the night time thing, but that is much slower going.

5. Brothers: This is probably our biggest struggle right now. E communicates with his hands and "I" reacts by screaming, crying and melting down. Words Boys! Words! "E" has done a lot of regressing throughout the process so we are making sure he gets a lot of one on one time. The good news is that E has not asked to take him back to his old home recently.

6. Attachment: I can truly say that I love both my boys unconditionally now. "I" has many qualities I am growing to love and he gives wonderful hugs. There are moments when we find our selves wondering why we ever embarked on the parenthood journey. Fortunately they are very few, and we remember that this has been better than any of our adventures in our previous life.

7. Coordination: I would venture to say that he has leveled out with his peers in this area. He runs, jumps, climbs like the rest of them. We haven't had a major incident in weeks. We are still always cautious with him because he still is weak in the area of cause and effect. The other day he just let go of a swing instead of asking to get down. Oops.

8. Self Play: I would say he is right where he should be, but he still needs to be watched closely with Emerson.

9. Language: He has come miles in this area. This alone is one of the major reasons he is doing better in the other areas of life. He can put together sentences, ask for help, tell me if his tummy hurts or what he wants to eat. He understands what I am asking or telling him. Yes, it is hard to understand him and he has many sounds he can not make yet, but at least we have words to work with.

On the Day You Were Born

Emerson was recently given a copy of this book for his birthday. It is a beautifully illustrated book talking about all of the amazing things that were happening on the day he (and everyone else for that matter) was born. It is a science teacher's dream of a book because it ties all the stuff I teach about. I totally get why he was given it and why millions of copies have been sold. Absolutely beautiful story.

I was doing great tonight reading it to him, until the very last page. It reads like so:

"Welcome to the spinning world," the peope sang,
as they washed your new, tiny hands.

"Welcome to the green Earth," the people sand,
as they wrapped your wet body.

And as they held you close
they whispered into your open, curving ear,
"We are so glad you've come!"

As the parent of two adopted boys the tears flowed for the unknown and the little bit I do know.
Did their birth mothers ever hold them?
Where was Isaac even born?
What was Isaac's name them?
Who spoke up for Emerson and acknowledge that his tiny 1.7lb body was alive?

What I know is that I wish that this story was true, that the first people (who I have never met, nor probably never will meet) who held my baby boys were glad they were here. It left me with more questions than answers. With Emerson we have lots of guesses. We can make a pretty story out of the fragmented puzzle pieces. There are also enough pieces that could make for a much worse story. What the truth is, we don't know.

With Isaac, it is even harder. I know nothing. I don't have a name, birth city, birthday, age of parents, were they poor? was it because of his cleft pa let? were they married? was he planned? unplanned? who was he with before he was found by the police in a basket? We did not go to China so this piece is a huge gap for us.

There is a huge part of me that wants to let their birth mothers know that they boys are well, thriving and loved. There is another part of me that is so sad that my children's stories do not have a happy beginning.

This is one of the realities of being an adoptive parent. I would not give up the experience for any other way of life, yet I have a lot of soul searching to do before the boys start asking the hard questions.

So what did happen on the day they were born:

Yes, the Earth did spin, the sun did rise, the animals did migrate, gravity pulled my boys to the center of the Earth, the tides ebbed and flowed, and yes, "we your forever family were so glad that you arrived on this planet."

Here is what I wrote on the day Emerson was relinquished:
The Joys of Paperwork

10-15-06
Here we go on our journey to start our family. We have made lots of important decisions this last month including picking an agency, a country to adopt from and the age of our child(ren) to be. Now we have hit the ground running by collecting our vital records, scheduling physicals, getting our house ready for the home study visit, renewing our passports and sending off the I-600A.

Here is what I wrote on Isaac's assumed birth date: What I find interesting is we were so convinced that we were going to be able to adopt two kids on our trip to Kaz that were close in age. We had it sort of right:

Sunday, January 28, 2007
Update

Sorry we have been bad bloggers this past week. Our house has been in major transition as we have been moving the office upstairs and continuing to put the nursery together. While it might sound like a simple task it was pretty monumental to rearrange our whole house. I checked on a Dossier through FedEx tracking on Friday and it was on its way to Almaty, so I assume it will be on its way to Astan (the capital) any day now. Unfortunately during the office shuffle I misplaced the tracking number so I will have to wait until tomorrow to continue my stalking of our package.

Yesterday morning I think it finally hit me full force that we are getting really close. There are certain things I have been putting off saying that it was too soon to mess with this or that. Now I am realizing that we need to get our buts in gear. If you know me (Karon) you know that I like to have things done way in advance, so I would rather work my tail off now than be in utter panic the last two weeks. I am also starting to get concerned by the fact that this little one or two will not have a thing to wear as we have not bought any clothes because we don’t know the age. I know I need to trust the process, but I hate feeling clueless. Oh well I guess I better get used to it. I will post pictures as soon as we finish rearranging the house.

E's Birthday

 

 

 

The Famiy Pictures are up

So late the other night I decided our new family picutres had to go up. We have not even finished painting the kitchen and bathrooms, but I could not wait. I wanted the wonderful pictures that the Kaz moms and Jenny Morgan gave to us. It was a push to say the least to get John to play along. Picture hanging with him is a science and enginering feat, and perfection is the standard. It took 3 hours to hang three pictures, but we got it done. We were so adamant about wanting family pictures because we saw how sad Isaac was when he looked at the pictures that did not have him in it in Texas. He also constanty noticed the family pictures John had framed for me this past mother's day hanging up. Isaac got it, he was not part of our family picture and it visibly made him sad.

I had no idea that he would react so favorably to the new pictures but it brought tears to our eyes. Both the boys woke up and when they went into the living room, they noticed them imediately. Isaac literaly was standing on the sofa, pointing to them naming everyone and saying "my family, Isaac's family." Every time he comes into the room he repeats the ritual as if to remind himself that this is real.

So thank you so much to all of those who contributed to the photos. I will post pictures soon of they boys looking at their pictures. It is a special peice of helping Isaac know and understand that he is part of our family now.

Feeling Thankful

These days I wake up and go to bed with one major thought: Thank You World.

For the first time in a long time I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be. John and I have the children we have hoped for since June of 2004, we are close to family, we have an amazing piece of property, we own a business helping people garden which is one of our passions, and I am so lucky to be in the public service of teaching kids.

All in all I feel like I have won the lotter in that my life has come together. I know there are bumps yet to come and loose ends to tie up, but all in all we worked really hard for these things, dreamed of these things, and here they are.

Isaac has come leaps and bounds these last three months. Emerson is acting out a lot, but I have confidence that his behavior will improve along with Isaac's.

The house could not be better for all of us. Today I cleared paths, weeded and pruned my fruit trees. It felt wonderful. All the while the boys were racing cars up and down the driveway, picking up pretty things to put in their "Jars of Wonder" and John was setting up the Tee Pee we acquired yesterday from one of Mom's neighbors. I finally feel at home in Alabama because this property is so us.

Looking at all of it I also am so thankful for my past, for without it, (as treacherous as it sometimes was) I could not be here. If we did not have such a friend as Larry McGraw in Oregon to teach us about gardening and fruit trees, I doubt we would have our business or have been drawn so much to our property. If we had not been infertile, I am sad to say our path would have been much more strait, but so much less fulfilling. If our second Kaz journey had not been so abruptly shut down Isaac would not be ours and quite frankly we would not have been able to buy our place. If I had not had a crummy job when I first came to Birmingham, I would not be teaching at such an amazing school. If my dear friend Jamie's son had not been born with a cleft lip, she might not have opened my eyes and heart to a child like Isaac.

I guess what I am saying is that I am in a place where the wisdom of it all is so clear and I am so glad to be on this end of it for the time being. I feel this is important to, because I think of all the little passing comments, or influences that led us to where we are. Not just the major people in our lives, or major events led us here. It was all of it. So next time you get the chance to come into contact with someone in a vulnerable place remember that what you say, do, how you treat them, really does matter. Maybe not right then, but it sticks with you, shapes you, goes into that tool box and one day gets put to use.

So thank you to all of those people and experiences that have crossed our paths. Weather they were positive or negative does not make a difference. It has made us who we are and led us to where we are.

Now the big question is what is next. Contentment is a new concept for me. I will be honest, I am looking around each corner wondering what the next surprise is. For now I think it is a small dose of normalcy. That is a pretty new thing for us.

Maybe that is the suprize.

Family Pictures

 

 

 

 

What has hapened in the writting gap

I am having the feeling now, as I do many times, when I have left a journal on the shelf too long. Then, when I finally pick it up, I feel overwhelmed because I feel like I should pick it back up where I left out. Being overwhelmed sets in and then I usually re shelve the journal and repeat the same exercise. But alas a blog is different, so my reaction this time shall be different too.

What have we been up to im my absence? The main thing has been moving. We broke down the office of the old house which meant sutting off the Internet. We still have not set up the new office (but major progress is being made) and I still have not figured out our wireless connection at the new house. So, baby steps are being made.

I also am back at work. I must say it has gone smother than I expected it to. John and Isaac are doing well together and school is wonderful for both boys. We are so lucky to have them in an early intervention pre-school with a teacher who is incredible innovative and a whole team that works with our kids to get them on the right track. I do joke around with people that I come to work to relax and that it is easier to teach and manage 115 middle school students than to do the same for my two toddlers:)

John is also slowly getting back into the grove of work. This has been harder for him because he was the one fixing up our new house and getting it all painted (we still have three rooms to finish.) He also has to figure out a new system for building the raised garden beds at our new house.

The boys are loving the new house. It is so good for them to have so much outside space to play. Isaac loves that there are swings all over the property and that he can ride in the fire truck or little car up and down our long driveway. Emerson just loves getting to explore and run around. He also apprecitates the abundance of swords/sticks all over the place.

We also made a definitive move, by canceling TV and we did not even unpack our TV's. I am loving that this battle is over with Emerson. It was such problem at our old place. I also like that John and I have one less distraction. It was way too easy for us to zone out with the TV, and the reality is that was did not have time for that, and our boys need us.

The other big thing is that the boys are starting to play together. It is so cute to see them laugh and wrestle. Emerson is helping Isaac learn his ABC's and counting. He will repeat a letter or number over and over until Isaac saies it to his satisfaction.

I promise pictures will come soon, but I am writing before school starts because we are not up and running at home.

Oh and we recived out whole dossier back from our other agency the other day. It was a bit weird and sad, but I know things worked out the way they were supposed to.

Bad Blogger

I am sorry to all of you who have been regularly checking and finding nothing. We are stil sorting and sifting through boxes and our internet is just now up at our new house. I still need to figure out the wireless but not much will be writen this week either. Things are going well I am just overwhelemed with fixing my nest and getting used to being back at work. Oh, and we decided to be totaly irresponsible and go to the beach this weekend. It was great, but boy am I paying in axiety now that we are back home. I promise I will write again soon.

Post institutionalisation

Last night we went to our monthly international adoption meeting. It is always a nice night of the month because it is the time when our family is not different, we get to be with others who get it, and all the families don't "match." What I also appreciate is that for one hour a month, our kids go and play with other adopted kids, while we meet with other parents and discuss, learn about, problem solve and express the issues that come up with our kids. The reality is that raising adopted kids is different that biological kids who are raised from the beginning in loving families. With our group we specifically address the issues of multi-cultural and trans racial adoptions. Also most of us adopted our children when they were not infants, so like it or not we have the "baggage", trauma, neglect, malnourishment, and multiple transitions to add on to the challenges of parenting.

Last night I was still in a mode of reflecting upon Isaac's episode on Sunday with the pee on the floor and the state he went into after I caught him. We have been watching a series called "Adopted" and the DVD has these little mini lessons that we watch and discuss. Fortunately for me the topic was about the impacts of institutionalized life on a child's development, emotional expressions, ability to process sensory information, and nourishment. It also talked about how many kids will show signs of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder.) The psychologist said with these kids it is not the same because it is rarely one big event that triggers a PTSD episode, rather a feeling, a sensory experience, lack of choice ect. Isaac definitely has water triggers. He used to hate swimming and the bath. I feel we have conquered these fears. We have taught him that water can be fun. Yet when he gets water on his clothes it can set him off. Not always, but unpredictable times.

It was affirmation mostly of the new approach we are taking. Patience, cheering him on through the frustration, and loads of attention. I have both boys IEP meetings on Friday and I will see how school can support him as well.

What it boils down to is that kids do not come out of being in an institution without some scars with out some grief to process. It was said well with "Adoptoin stories never have a happy beginig." As adopted parents this is something we always need to have in the back of our head, it is something that is there whether we like it or not. Our children have grief they need to learn and be aloud to process. They are both too yong to totaly get it, but Emerson is starting to realize that his family is different from others. We have tough questions to answer ahead of us and for some of the questions we have some really lousy answers.

Why the world needs chearleaders and pillow fights

Those of you who know me well in real life know that I am a sync when it comes to the "Ra Ra, put on a good smile" chearleading style of doing things. I am a realist and I like to call things as they are. Cheerleaders have always seemed fake to me. The whole notion of wildly cheering in a short skirt waving palm palms around over some sports team often times will make me think deeply about re-reading then becoming Jack in Call of the Wild.

Well today I learned something. I learned something big and out of my comfort zone. I need to be a cheerleader for Isaac. I need to plaster on that pretty smile, I need to sweetly say I love you, I need to do dances when he is happy and I need to believe that he is on the winning team no matter how lousy of a player he might be right now.

I woke up with the notion that we needed to move forward again today. We have tried the tough love, we have tried time outs until the floor seems much smoother in that one spot, I have tried screaming back at him, mimicicing behaviors, and yes I even tried a good old fashion spanking. All I got was backwards. This goes to the greatest struggle I feel that families face when they adopt a toddler. There is not true love and trust between us yet, it is too soon and under these types of circumstances it is going to be much slower. While Issac is 3.5 his emotional age is much more like an 18 month old and his needs are more that of a baby. While I don't feel he needs to regress in every way I recognize that he needs to know I love him unconditionally and he is testing that. So far he is the winner but we were all the looses.

Now on to moving forward. Today I decided I was going to love him through it all. It sounds simple, but it takes a ton of energy to Cheer for a game that last from 5:30am until 7:30 PM. Oh well, this is why we have a YMCA membership right? One thing that helped was that I only had Isaac this morning because he had to have surgery to put tubes in his ears. It was really nice to just have him. It seemed so easy after a week with the two of them. I was able to be there for him and comfort him afterwards. He had a meltdown in the parking lot and I lovingly picked him up and took him to the car. He resited being buckled in, we walked around while I held him like a baby. Today I just slowed down the pace and listened. When we got home John and Emerson were still out so we sat on the porch swing and watched the birds. When it came time to put the drops in his ears, I was playful and let him pretend to put them in my ears first. We made a tickling game of rubbing the drops in.

The only major negative attention seeking he had with me today was after his nap. I was on the phone with my sister and he kept screaming about it (he hates when we are on the phone.) The he just peed his pants to show me how he felt about it. (flash back to peeing on the floor and playing with it from yesterday.) Today I just said, "Oh O you had an accident. Let's go clean that up." We walked to the bathroom and I had him take his clothes off, put them in the bin and I gave him a warm rag to clean up with. No tears, not anger, problem solved in 5 min. 1 point Mom "You Can Do It"

The end of the day was probably the best in a long time. I decided not to go over to the new house but keep things low key. The boys decided we should have a pillow fight and they hauled all the pillows in from the whole house and for 30 min we just blasted each other, ticked and gave zerberts. The boys had a blast and I must say there is something therapeutic in lovingly whacking someone else with a soft pillow then laughing hysterically about it.

So to all of you cheerleaders out there, thanks for what you do, despite cynics like me. The world, or at least my little Isaac, needs your spirt, your willingness to chear when the team is hopelessly behind and to have a giggling pillow fight at the end of a long day.

A shift in attitude

I will be honest, (when have I not been on this blog) things have been rought this last week and a half. John and I closed on the house then our to do list hit us a like a ton of bricks. Ulitimately it comes down to the basics for the chore list: John is really good at fising, preping and painting houses. I am on maternity leave to get to spend time with Isaac and get to know him. So I have been spending every non-school moment alone with the boys. To say it has been trying is an understatment. I will say I have the utmost respect and adoration for single parents. I have no idea how they do it.

As a result I have been so streched thin that I don't have enough time or energy to give either of the boys the attention they need. The result is that they find a way to get attention.

Yesterday was Isaa'c bottom for me. During snack time he tells me he needs to go Pee Pee. I help him down and he tells me to stay (this is his way of saying he can do this by himself.) Then he is starts crying out for help from the bathroom. I run in there to help him (all the while Emerson is shouting at the top of his lungs I NEED YOU.) So I put Issaac on the potty and run off the help Emerson finish making smoothies. I run back to the bathroom to help Isaac and he has gotten off the toilet and peed all over the floor.

I am sad to say that I was not loving, patient, compasionate or even nice about this. I was furious. Earlier that day I had to clean all of our floors by hand with a rag because our mop is at the new house, not to mention is was such an offensive way for him to seak attention. I grabed a wash cloth, washed him off threw dry shorts on him and put him to bed. I just needed to be away from him.

One of Isaac's quirks is that he can not stand to be in wet clothes (he will tolerate a swim suit.) He absoultly freaks out if even a drop of moisture gets on his clothes and demands to be changed. So here he has gotten him self wet with his own unrin and I wet him down further and uncerimouniosly put him to bed.

Isaac went into a place I have rarely seen him. He lost it. He hit the wall, he took apart his room, he kicked the door (mind you it has not knob so he could have easily just come out of his room.) he screamed he sobbed. I calmly finished feeding Emerson then put him down for a nap.

When I calmed down I went in Isaac's room, picked him up ans sat in the rocking chair with him. To say he was in a state of uncontroled hystarics would be putting it lightly. I stayed with him for 20 minutes and he never stoped sobbing. It was almost as if he was somewhere else.

What saddens me is that I have no idea about the first 3.5 years of his life. I don't know what those scared eyes have seen, why he has scars all over his hips, why there was such pain in his eyes as he cried tears reserved only for the pain one should know as an adult.

For me it was a wake up call. Yes we are busy, yes I am exausted, and yes we made a choice to parent these two boys. We knew Isaac had some issues, we know this is all really scary to him, we know he is testing the limits, we know that he is really more like an 18 month old in his reasoning and comprehension than a 3 year old. So now it is time for a shift in attitude. It is my job to love him through this, to have some humor, to find a lost reserve of patience and do the hard job of parenting him through this.

Two months

It is hard to belive that we have know Isaac for two months now. When I remember this I am pretty darn happy with how far we have come. When I look back and see pictures or read the blog from July I am able to see that we are doing the right things and he is getting on the right track. I guess that is why we jornal, blog, write, record things, make observations. It helps the mind and soul gain confidence and reflect upon the good, bad, ugly and pretty.

Last month I took the time to list out our major parenting challenges and note where Isaac was on all of these fronts. For my sake and those of you who are interested in the pattern of progress or regression of a newly adoped toddler here it goes: (You are welcome to look back at August 11 to see what was going on then)

1. Food/Weight: Today my father went to pick up Isaac and he comented on the fact that he was becoming a solid boy now. Not only has he gained about 5 lbs, but he does not feel so frail like he is going to fall apart when you pick him up. As far as eating, I think Emerson has taught him too much in this area. Isaac really eats like most 3 year olds now. Picky, plays with food, he would rather play than sit. The one big difference is that he LOVES eggs. He would eat 5 fried eggs every morning if I let him. He will eat 10 deviled eggs if left un checked.

I am clamping down on the free form eating because I can not have an open door policy on my kitchen. He is also way to messy to be given free acess to food. Unfortunatley in the South if you have crumbs you have cock roaches. Enough said, sorry kid you can't graze all day.

2. Digestion Issues: Isaac does not have parisites, he was just being neglected in his previous home. He does have soft stools frequently but has only had 2-3 incidences that I would call stomach upset. He still does not get any dairy or nuts for now.

3. Drugs: I am happy to say he is drug free. If anyone out there is even considering psycotrophic drugs for your child, go talk to a smoker who has recently gone through withdrawls. When Isaac came off the colondine he swung wildly as far as his emotions and ability to show self restraint. When I think back to that week, it makes the current issues we are dealing with seem quite simple. Yes, the drugs did minimize his behavior issues but they also supressed the rest of him as well.

We have at the Dr. suggestion started him on melatonin to support health sleep paterns. The last thing he needs is to try and process all of his other emotions on no sleep.

3. Behavior: Overall this is an area where I feel like we have gone backwards overall. Isaac is all over the place with bahvior. One second he will be a happy playful, helpful little boy. Then the slightest thing will set him off and he spirals out of control fast. So fast that you aren't expecting that kick in the face, or punch. Sometimes it comes in a screaming fit or hysterical sobbs. What it does is it puts me and John on a constant state of alert. He will be happily and appropriately playing with a toy and then throw it at Emerson who is minding his own buisness reading a book on the sofa. He will be laughing and playing with us on the floor and it one of us ask him to stop doing something he will haulf off and kick or punch. Not lightly I might add. This makes it hard to bond and hard to love to be honest. The hardest thing is the testing boundries and negative attention seekeing behavior. The only way to get attention in a Chinees orphanage is negative or basic needs. The only attnetion he got in his last home was negative. We are doing our best to go nuts over the good stuff and give lots os specific praise and imideiate rewards. We truly don't expect this to level out until Chirstmast time. It is much harder to re-train a child than it is to do it right.

4. Potty: Isaac is mostly potty trained in the day. He now ask to go to the bathroom. He can sometimes take care of everything by himslef and other times he needs help. The hardest thing is that it is 100 degrees here with 100% humidity which makes for sticky pants to pull down. He is about 50/50 at night. He will still not get out of his bed at night so until that happens we are stuck with diapers. It is a battle I am not willing to take on right now.

5. Brothers: I love when I see them play together, and they are doing it more and more. They play great when one or both of us are around, but they are doing better. They also really look after each other. They are in the same class at school, but apparently they do not do too much together there. Emerson will however tell me imidiately if Isaac did somehting wrong at school.

My biggest worry is that Emerson will remember this phase of Isaac's too much. Isaac regularly hurts Emerson, and Emerson is a tough kid. Occasionaly he will ask me when we are taking Isaac back to Texas. Ugg.

6. Attachment: If you see the article below I must say my favorite line is the fact about "this love is not microwavable it is a slow simmering dish that I get lovely wiffs of." This is where we are. Kids don't come out as three year olds or 13 year olds for a reason. It doen't mean forming a health familialy bond is not possible, it just means it is different and harder. On Isaac's part, his delayed developmental stage is a blessing for him. I really don't think he conciously remembers his previous life and family. He does trust us, he does cuddle, he does all the normal things he should do at this stage. Fortunately for him, he doesn't hold a grudge when I flip out at his behavior. If only I could be as kind and let things go.

7. Coordination: This is still improving but his common sense when it comes to danger is really lacking. He can now walk on uneven surfaces or go down hills without falling. He still does not get that if he stands on a chair it will filp over despite doing this three times now. He will pull heavy things over on him. Again imagine a 12-16 month old learning to walk and navigate the world with the strength, hight and will of a 3.5 year old. He has to be supervised at all times because he will get hurt if were are not right there and sometimes he gets hurt anyway.

8. Self Play: He can but he chooses not to most of the time. The hardest thing now is that he gets into trouble fast if someone is not there.

9. Lanuage: I don't think Isaac's speach is imporving from class just yet. I will say that we have gotten better at understanding him. Signing helps a lot. Also we are making him go through phases or sentances with us that he needs all the time. He does this one word at a time. For now it is just teaching him about the use of language to communicate. He still mostly screams to initiate attention or need for help. I can't wait until this habit goes away. The greatest challenge though is that Isaac does not comprehend language well at all. This is in part do to his hearing, patialy due to multible languages and lack of communication with adults in his past. When this improves I think many other issues will resolve them selves.

An interesting article from Rainbow Kids

Today had some pretty rough moments. Moments where I questioned my sanity and choices in life. John and I have gone into this life with our eyes wide open, but we also recognize that things take time and great things can be really hard to attain. The jorney to adopt both of our children did not end the day they came home. In fact the first 6 months with Emerson was rough and Isaac's first few months are also proving to be hard. This article helped me recognize that John and I are not evil people for not having an instant devotional love to Isaac. It is happening, but slowly. I thought I would share this article on my blog because it is nice for others to know these feelings happen and are normal. At least it helped me to not feel like such a monster.

Confessions of a Mom with Attachment Disorder
That's right, I have attachment disorder, not my daughter
September 01,2010 / Dawn Choate

Maybe I should have left my name off this one. Perhaps I could have been one of the anonymous writers who change their name to protect their identity. I will probably open my inbox to find I've been booted off a Yahoo adoption group or two after this confession. I'm sure I won't be invited to the next LifeBook creation group or called up by the Discovery Channel to cover my next adoption. But, I'm not really confessing this to win any popularity contests anyway. The truth is, I am quite certain that what I am about to confess is a dark, deeply held secret of other adoptive parents out there and I am just the one with the big enough mouth to say it. Okay, here I go.

I have attachment issues.

Yes, me. Not my daughter (our second adoption), although she has her own set of attachment issues, too. But I am talking about me. After a year and a half, my heart still struggles to latch on firmly, to feel free and open with her, to feel the wonderful bonded feeling of being completely attached in heart and spirit to another person. I still catch myself looking blankly at her, wondering if I even know her yet. I am still more easily frustrated by her, less patient, slower to forgive and recover after she misbehaves. I still have to fight feelings of wanting to pay more attention to the children with whom it is easier to feel close. And sometimes I am the one who can go without contact with her and not feel like I even miss her absence.

Before you lynch me, before you throw me to the Yahoo group trash bin, before you black list my name to every agency on planet earth and turn me in to Dr. Phil and his evil message boards.

Let me leave you with some thoughts just in case this strange phenomenon ever lurks its way into your adoption fantasy and threatens to turn it into a nightmare.

Why Adoptive Parents Face Difficulties in Bonding

There are many reasons an adoptive parent may experience difficulty in bonding with their new child. Post-adoption depression is actually a term used now by many therapists and experts in the field. Below are some possible reasons a parent might struggle with bonding:

Unresolved grief over a previous child-related issue (such as miscarriages, inability to conceive, previous adoptions that fell through or previous difficulties with an adoption)
Previous experiences with attachment issues with an adopted child
Adopting an older child who no longer exhibits the natural baby/toddler development stages that promote bonding with a parent
Adopting out of birth order (this can make navigating the baby of the family developmental stage tricky)
Attachment issues in the child that cause the parent to feel rejected
Inability to communicate adequately with the child (language difficulties, speech issues, special needs issues)
This is, of course, only a partial list of the myriad of possible reasons a parent may feel that block that prevents the free-flow of emotion from parent to child. It is a list that we could mark off multiple items that relate to our experience. When we adopted our daughter, she was 3.5 years old. While she still had much of the baby look to her rounded cheeks and pixie face, her behaviors were not in any way like a baby. When I tried to follow the advice of re-parenting her (treating the new child like a baby in certain ways), it only became a source of frustration for us both. She would bite the bottles or pacifiers until she chewed them off, she would regress and wet her pants since she thought that was what I wanted her to do (behave like her little sister), and all the effort didn't produce any real feelings of change in either one of us because she seemed to grasp that she was really not a baby and didn't particularly want to be treated like one.

Another issue we faced was that it was an out-of-birth-order adoption. Although there are many successful cases of this type of adoption and we do not regret having done it ourselves, it certainly presented us with challenges. Our younger daughter still needed to be babied in some ways, and it was tough to make sure that our new daughter was receiving the amount of attention she needed. In addition, you really can't trick your mind into seeing a child who is not the baby as a baby. We were learning firsthand how those critical baby years form that soft foundation of bonding before you have to face the more difficult toddler years with a child. Yet we had missed all of that with her and were thrown head-first into the tougher toddler years.

Communication was also a great hurdle for us as our daughter came to us not only as an older child who had learned over 3 years of Mandarin, but as a child with cleft lip and palate that severely impaired her ability to speak at all. Once again, I was startled to realize something we take for granted in parenting other children that is such a vital key to successful bonding was missing in our relationship with her. Even now, if you ask her why she is crying, she can rarely answer you. All you get is, Um..um..I'm crying! Language and communication are the cornerstones of relationships and it is very tough to find alternate ways of communicating with a child who is impaired in a way that truly brings understanding and the ability to form bonds and attachments.

Perhaps the most critical key to understanding my struggle to bond to my daughter, however, is to understand the struggle we had to get our first daughter to attach to us and how that struggle impacted and scarred my parental psyche. Over time, I have learned and recognized that the awesome weight I bore in the journey to help our first daughter through her struggles left me far more emotionally exhausted and wounded than I had realized at the time we completed our second adoption. After all, Hannah was doing great by the time we adopted again and was getting better everyday. The battle was over (for the most part) and now our new daughter was quiet, gentle and much easier to care for than Hannah had been. How could I not be okay and bond instantly with her?

Yet when the first crying jags started, even though they were not nearly as wild and uncontrollable as had been Hannah's, I found myself holding my new daughter up by her shoulders as she wailed and shrieked, looking her straight in the eyes, and pleading with her, I'M NOT GOING TO DO THIS AGAIN!!! I CAN'T DO THIS AGAIN!!! Red flags should go off at that point. Someone with a megaphone might as well have been screaming at me, SECONDARY POST-TRAUMATIC SYNDROME!!! Of course, I had no idea what that even was at the time. It took a few late nights of internet searching before I recognized it several months after it began to surface. My heart had been greatly wounded before, and now my emotions and spirit were struggling to bear up under another child's journey through grief.

Strategies for Navigating the Journey to Attach with Your Child

After months of agonizing over the lack of attachment I felt towards my daughter, we slowly began to piece together some strategies that we hoped would eventually build the necessary bonds between us. Over time, we noticed small changes that eventually led to even more significant changes. Though the process is slow, the effort and energy we have expended has always eventually paid off. Here are some of the strategies we used that have contributed to the growing bonds between us:

If your child is out of birth order, separate time out specifically for that child away from the children who are younger. Find an activity that suits the new child's age and personality and make it a special event between you. For example, my daughter is very domestic (unlike her wild, Harley-riding sister). So, when I bake an apple pie (okay, this is a rare activity), I bring her alongside of me to help instead of Hannah (distracting Hannah by telling her she can go swing from the trees with her brothers, an activity she would prefer anyway).
Do not feel like you have to follow all of the tips of re-parenting if you adopt an older child. When we tried many of the suggestions (giving a bottle, pacifier, etc.), we found it just frustrated us and did not build any connections with her. Those methods may work well with some children, but our daughter did not respond to them, so we had to move on and treat her like the age that she is instead of trying to regress her. She was happier when we did and we found connections with her easier when we did not try to treat her like something she wasn't.
Work hard to find skills, personality traits, and talents unique to your new child. We tried many things until we discovered what a great swimmer our new daughter was. So we spent extra time developing that in her, praising her for that skill, and used the time in the water as a way to attach to her. Some of my best interactions with her and most affectionate times are in the water.
Give yourself permission to not have to feel all gushy about your new child. It is okay if it is not a fairytale. It does not make you a bad parent or evil. It is what it is. Many days I told myself that I was just going to be a good babysitter that day and gave myself permission to not have to force myself to feel anything else.
Work through any unresolved emotional issues you may have that are blocking your ability to bond. If you have issues of grief, resentment of previous failed adoptions or attempts to bond, or secondary post-traumatic issues, it can really impede your ability to connect with a new child. Get help if necessary.
Find at least one person other than your spouse that you can be completely honest with about your struggles . You might need to air some feelings that can cause some to judge you. But if you don't have at least one safe, outside place to vent, the pressure can build and cause further damage to your relationship with your child.
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, no matter how you feel, no matter what your emotions tell you, after all is said and done and you have done everything you can to change your feelings.just keep moving forward anyway. This may sound simple, trite or ignorant of your needs. I certainly stress the need for you to have time away, time for yourself and time to vent to others. But in the midst of all that, there are many days you have to just realize that you made a choice to bring this child in and whatever you do or do not feel towards that child, love is a choice.

Choosing to love your child mentally even when you do not feel it emotionally is a powerful step in the journey to bonding with your child. The rewards for that choice may not surface immediately. The process may be very slow and lacking in immediate gratification. But every day that my daughter laughs a full belly laugh instead of a weak giggle, every time she spontaneously comes to me with arms open for a kiss and says, I love you, Mommy, every time she comes running to see me when I return home with a giant yell, MOMMY'S HOOOOME!!!, I realize that though the journey is long, we will get there. Though I have doubted at times, I know it is true. What you reap, you will sow and one day I know there will be a bountiful harvest in my relationship with my daughter.

This is not an adoption that was microwavable. I could not create insta-attachment for her or for me. No, this is a relationship that is in a long, long simmer. Every once in awhile I get a whiff of what it will eventually be. I cannot wait to taste it fully, but until then, I will keep kissing her good-night, brushing her long, beautiful hair, biting my tongue when I'm frustrated, and hugging her just as fully as I do my other children. She's worth the wait. I hope she thinks I am, too.

P.S. I intentionally left my daughter's name out of this article. It may sound silly as I'm sure I've used her name in other articles. But I felt I at least owed her a little privacy in this particular article considering the candor with which I am expressing our struggles.

Breaking a horse

My husband and I lived out West for a long time. We did not live in the trendy West either. We lived in rural Eastern Oregon where there were far more horses in our county than people. Near by towns had the air of the wild wild west and kids aspired to be rodeo champions and clowns when they grew up. Young kids would walk around with belt buckles that were like sheilds attached to their mid section.

The reason I bring this all up is because I watched several wild horses and rescued horses get "broken." It was a term and process that always bothered me when it was happening, yet there was no way I was going to ride a horse that had not been broken, or even go near one for that matter. What was stronge to me was this notion of repeditively subjecting the horse to triggers or repeating a concequence for agressive behavior over and over and over again, unitl the horse would "break, subcome, give in." This idea of nessisary dominace always bothered my idealistic young mind. Why could ridder and horse just live in harmony..? Or, Couldn't the ridder and horse come to some ameable agreement? The second question get's a "Yes" Once the horse is well behaved, safe to be around and can do it's job, the ridder can and does give in loads of love, adventure, rewards, food, good shelter and pasture.

So this is where I am with Isaac, and it does not feel any better when it is a child. In fact it feels much worse but so much more nessisary. Isaac is like a horse that learned all the bad habits that one could learn. It would almost be easier to start with wild than to start with bad habits.

Right now we have the following habits to deal with:
1. Hitting his brother: Isaac has no idea that Emerson could rip him apart if he so choose. He constantly hits him then thinks he can be out of trobble by saying he is sorry. He will even say he is sorry before I say anything which tells me he knows it is wrong. How on earth do I get him to stop though??

2. Throwing toys at people and windows: The kid loves to throw and he didn't learn that this was not Ok prior to gaining the strength of a 3 year old. I keep soft balls around that he is aloud to throw, and toys that are tossed get put in time out.

3. Dumping water or milk on the floor: If one gives Isaac something to drink he does not like he will look you right in the eye and dump it on the floor. Instant time out earner. I akin this to the dropping the rattle phase. It almost is like he is trying to figure out cause and effect but with 3 year old examples.

4. Screaming: This is the real clincher for me. The boy has a screach that can ratchet up the blood pressure like non other. This was his primary form of communication for 3 years and I don't think it will be going away until his language skills drasticaly improve. He does it out of anger and it is usualy followed by hitting, swinging, scratching and/or kicking the wall. When this behavior ends I will be one very happy mama.

John and I are incredibly consistant on calling him on these behaviors every time they happen because they are the biggies. His teachers are also on board. Now I think it is just putting in the hard time of "breaking Isaac." Maybe to sooth my peaceful nature I need to reframe this process of "breaking his habits so that Isaac can be free."

Back to the original example of the horse I know that what we are doing is nessisary. Yes, wild horses are amazing, but they don't get to coexist with human society. Isaac is a human and a little boy who needs to get past his past so that he can move foward with the rest of his life. These next few months may not be fun, they may not be pretty, but hopefuly we will all be happy that we did this hard work or habit breaking.

Family Pictures

Working on the House and Boys

We are back to moving mostly forward. John has almost finished preping our new house to be painted. I have found appliances, picked paint colors and started packing. We have a plan that includes painting pre/cleaning this week, painting all next week, moving in the week of the 20th, clean up our current house the last week of September. I then go back to work on the 27th and hopefuly we can have a really cool fall festivle super hero birthday party for Emerson.

In the mean time we are learning how to juggle all of this with keeping our boys happy, well fed, with enough attention, exciting sensory opportunities, and at bear minimum from completely melting down. I can say with pride I have accomplished most of these task. Both of my boys are extremely tempremental, strong willed and opinionated. Add to that that they have different oppinions about almost everything, and what they care about changes minute by minute.

One of the biggest difficulties is that John is doing most of the work on the house, while I am taking care of the boys. This is good in some ways because John is really better at the detailed work. The biggest bummer about this is that neither of the boys is getting the one on one attention they need and the family hour is not happening. Emerson had a rough day yesterday of such extreme sadness over the small things. Finaly it hit me that he was needing my attention. Isaac had been getting into so much trouble that Emerson was not getting any attention. So what do 3 year olds do to make that happen? What ever works. So Emerson started screeming, hiting scratching and hitting the walls to get me to pay attention toh him.

The big thing John and I are discovering is how to parent the two of them according to their needs and emotional age. Isaac needs to learn that life is boring when you don't play with your toys appropriately, when you scream, you get ignored, when you ask nicely you get help, when you push your parents to the limit you go to time out.

With Emerson he needs time in's right now. I don't feel the need to walk away from his fits to calm myself down like I do with Isaac. I see that he is truly sad and distresed about something. Sometimes he does need a time out, or to be ignored or to be empathized with.

One giant step backwards and a big bunny hop forward

On Wednesday we finally closed on our house. On Thursday the boys went to school and I put paint samples up on the walls to get a better idea of how the colors I chose would look on the walls. I then went out to lunch with some of my girl friends while John did a delivery of one of his garden beds. All in all it felt like we got some good stuff done on the first day of owning the house and getting to work. Fortunately one of our friends convinced John to not redo the floors or remodel the kitchen before we moved in. So we are not doing anything but painting and cleaning before we move in. Friday we had a friend who cleans houses who was supposed to come over and clean the place so we could get to work. I entertained the boys all morning and we went to the YMCA and the library and had a pretty good morning. My plan then was to come over with the boys to the new house and set them up for a nap in the barn. This was the first place that was going to be cleaned so that they could take a nap while John I decided on colors because he did not like all the work I had done the day before. Needless to say I was extremely frustrated because he would not provide input on the day we needed to look at colors and half heartily agreed to those colors.

My lofty goal was to have the boys take a nap at the new house while John and I made some decisions about colors so that I can buy all of that while he is cleaning. So when I get there he informs me that he had arrived not too long ago, he can't get in touch with the people who were supposed to come clean and that the barn is not ready for the boys to take a nap. OH NO. Our kids need naps and they need them in a certain window of time. So the next two hours John spent cleaning the barn while our children became possessed by the devil. They were mean, cranky, vicious and just not pleasant to be around. At one point when John put Isaac in a time out, Isaac hauled off and threw a rock and hit John in the face with it. I yelled from a distance when I saw John lurching towards him, "Take a deep breath" John sat down counted to 10 and then dealt with Isaac. When I went to put the boys in the tent, Isaac hauled off and punched me in the face. It was John's turn to put me in a time out. We gave up on the naps for a little while and let them play with the hose. This is usually a huge hit, but every time Emerson had the house Isaac cried like a little baby and would hit and scream uncontrollably. I felt like we were back to square one with him. I felt like all communication, impulse control, listening skills all were thrown out the window. It was pure Hell.

I don't know what it is that makes us become so enraged at times with Isaac's behavior. Emerson does just as evil of things at times and for some reason I can ignore it, turn his mood around or I just don't take it so personal. We both feel bad that we do this. It is not fair to Isaac and it just is not fun for us to find our selves in a state of such anger. One thing that does make sense is that Isaac's emotional response is that of a baby, yet when a baby has that response it is over pretty pure needs: hunger, dirty diaper, tired... With Isaac it is over 3 year old desires. I don't want to wear those underpants, I want that toy, I wanted water not milk... For some reason his level of reaction raises our blood pressure through the roof. Add to that trying to get something done and one can forget any chance at human decancy.

Finally we gave up. They won, we definitely were in contention for the worst parents in the world and we decided to leave. No progress was made at the house, not one decision was made but a lot of energy and tears were spent. In fact I thing things at the house were worse. John took the boys home and I went to a local Gyro shop and picked up dinner. We ate and then Emerson and I went over to a neighbors then Isaac and John met us there a few minutes later. It was great to visit with Penny and just have an adult conversation. The best part of the night was the introduction to the best mid-life party game ever. They have a blood pressure machine. She took our base lines and then we played "how high can I get this person's blood pressure" Isaac came in and threw a grand finally screaming crying fit at the end and I won the game. Finally a small bit of success for the day.

The Next Day:

One thing about having a horrible day where you are sure you are the worst at everything you do and your children are the most evil creatures on the face of the Earth is that the bar for a successful day is now very very low.

We did start the morning off on a recklessly busy path. We went to botanical gardens to attempt family pictures with our friend, photographer and fellow Kaz mom Jenny Morgan. The boys had minimal melt downs but there is a reason that families don't have many family pictures once they have two children. Jenny took several hundred pictures. I am guessing that Isaac is eating in 75% of them. Emerson is moving so fast that he is probably blurry in all of them. They never looked or were even facing the same direction. By the end of the shoot I told her I would just be happy with one good picture of each boy and that we could frame them side by side. We shall see. We got home later than expected so I pulled my best WWF wrestling moves to get them down for a nap while John was supposed to be loading up the trailer and I was going to get groceries. Because during the midst of all of this some wonderful friends were throwing me a birthday party on the porch of my new house. So we needed to bring over our patio furniture, grill and fire pit.

When I got home, John had not loaded any of that and I was at my melting down point. He then reminded me it was a party, it is supposed to be fun, we have great friends who know how to have a good time and have really low expectations for fun. The goals for the night were to eat and visit with friends and everything else was not a big deal. I decided right then and there that I had to let go. I helped John get the trailer loaded, I took a short nap and when the boys woke up I went over to the new house.

I also made the decision that happy boys=happy mama. I was going to enjoy my party, let my wonderful friends and family take care of the details and I was going to make sure that my boys had all the attention, food and love they needed. It worked. It helped of course to have a 13:3 ratio of adults to kids. Attention was abound. The boys played with cars, hoses the water table and fire trucks. They ate lots of great food and they had a wonderful time. By 9:30 they even fell asleep in their tent. When all was said and done at midnight we had completed a wonderful day. It was hard to believe they were the same two children who almost drove us to our breaking point the day before. They were cute, cuddly, playful and just down right happy. Their joy and the love that all my friends shared with them and me, was the gratest gift ever.

While we made many steps backwards on Friday, I hope that we at least broke even with Saturday. Now if we can just start moving forward again.

What a Day

Why is it that things are so difficult these days? I feel like an old lady where I am that person who says things like "Back when I bought my first house things were so simple, agreements were made with hand shakes, banks had integrity, and life was simpler..." Or "When we adopted our first son the process took 8 months from start to finish and this time we were hauled down three wrong roads before ending up in the Alice and Wonderland tunnel that led us into a world that included a child we could not even imagine."

My question of the day is "Why do people not do their jobs?" We closed on our house today after trying to close since August 15. There have been a long list of people who have dropped the ball. So, I like list here they are:
1. The bank appraiser who was supposed to do their job in 5 days did it in 12.
2. The loan officer switched banks. Great guy but some how his case load did not neatly transfer to the new team.
3. The loan underwriter would say things like I will call you back in 10 minutes, then not call, answer is phone or e-mail for 2 days.
4. 2 days before the first closing the mister no call back loan guy tells us that bank needs $1,700 for an indemnity bond. Really, why have we not heard of this? Oh, because 99% of the time someone else pays for this.
5. New loan officer says the bank will not cover the $1,700. We ask him to ask his boss. He tells us he did and the answer we "No". I don't believe him, Realtor ask for it in writing, he stops calling her back.
6. New loan officer and underwriter e-mail ME the day before closing date attempt #3 to say they can't fing the appraisal and that we will not be able to close tomorrow and we will be paying a fine for late closing. "Oh no you didn't!!!"
7. We arrange an agreement for a closing extension again for one more week.
7.5. I go to the house with a friend and find termites. Mind you we just paid a "professional" $250 for a required inspection who came back with an "all clear" report. When I called to question him about this, I got "little lady how do you know what termites look like." Well BuBu, I did ecology research in the jungle for a year and I can also tell you what they taste like if you really want to know. Fortunately they were in a very isolated area and he took care of the problem. But seriously people do your job!
8. Underwriter proceeds to read appraisal one page at a time, then telling us things that must be done one day at a time. Night before next closing day gives us a huge list of things to take care of.
9. I get pissed and call the Mortgage bank president, armed with the amount of stock I own in the company, how much money they stand to make, the name of his boss, the company motto and creed and a long list of things he needs to make happen to keep my business. Oh and by the way, my grandfather and father started your company.
10. Bank president goes out of his way to make things happen. Covers all of bond, most of closing and profusely apologizes. We will be able to close in 3 days.
11. Today we go to closing only to find out that yes, the guy did do his part but handed the paperwork to the same idiot that wasn't doing his job before. Guess what they guy didn't turn in that paperwork. So our 45 min closing was the 4 hour closing. Finally we got it all taken care of.

My wonderful principal has this on going analogy about how all of the kids, staff, teachers, administrators are part of the puzzle. She gave everyone a puzzle piece to hold onto for the year. She wanted us all to think about how we fit into the puzzle each and everyday. She wants us to constantly remember that puzzles don't work when pieces are missing. I sure wish the folks that I have encountered these last few months had someone teach them this lesson. There are many people who did exactly what they said they were going to do, when they needed to. Unfortunately it does not matter when someone else drops the ball.

On another, but similar note I won a small victory with my health insurance plan writers today. Basically what happened is I was scheduling Isaac's surgery to have tubes put in his ears. I asked the person to look up and check on my co-pay for the procedure. When she did, she found out that Isaac had a pre-existing condition clause attached to his portion of the policy. She told me it was probably a mistake but that I should call BCBS just to check. I call BCBS who then tells me I have to call PEEHIP who writes the rules of my policy. I call PEEHIP and explain the situation. I am told "Yes, he is not covered for pre-existing conditions until April, 2011 because YOU failed to enrol him within 30 days of his birth."

Seriously?! I explain that he is adopted and that the policy should state that we have to enrol him within 30 days of physical custody and/or financial responsibility. She then denies that there is any such law, at which point I adamantly disagree. She tells me she will have to talk to their attorney. I leave to pick up the boys from school. I come home to a message that the lawyer can't find any such federal law and that if I want my case to be considered I need to find the statute myself. Again people DO YOUR JOB. It took me one facebook post and 2 min of a google search to find the HIPPA statement that provides the wording stated above. I leave her a message to this effect.

Fast forward to this afternoon. I still have not heard back from her. I call to find out why. Oh, the lawyer is very busy. I told him about what you told me but he is working on other things. Guess what, I don't care about those other things. I want this mistake corrected NOW. She admits that I am right but that she does not have the authority to change it. 5:30 I get a call stating that they will waive the pre-existing waiting period for Isaac. I then asked about the policy and whether it was official changed. No, you just get an exemption, you should be happy with that.

Hey lady, I am not a half ass sort of person. I didn't just adopt two kids then forget about the other 145 million out there. As my good friend and fellow adoptive parent David once said "I don't want to work the system, I want the system to work." Needless to say the policy has now been officially changes so that the handful of public employees in the state of Alabama who dare to adopt a child older than 30 days will be able to ensure their child a quality of life they deserve.

All in all we won on many fronts today. But I am tired of feeling like I must fight for justice to prevail, or for people to do their job, or for the right thing to be done because it is right, not because someone made you do it. I want people to admit when they slack or are wrong, I want a reason why things are late, a good one, most of all I just wish people would get that we are all in this world together. Our actions or in actions affect others. Don't be that missing puzzle piece that makes someone elses picture remain incomplete. Do your job and show some pride.

The Power of the Family Hour

So when I first recived Isaac's personal information I remember being very sad for him when I looked at one of the answers to a question: "What kinds of things does he like?" The former families response was: "We don't know, he does not really have any favorite things." Fast forward to two weeks ago and I was being asked the same question for Isaac's preschool. I had a slightly better answer since but not much better given the short time we have known each other.

As a result one of our new famility traditions has been started. The Family Hour. The goal of this hour is just to spend uninterupted time with each other doing some sort of interactive activity that helps us all know each other better. It is so easy in our very busy lives to get caught up with huge list of things to do, projects to finish, a house to clean, e-mails to check, and TV. Oh well, loving our boys is more important. John and I even talked about it the other day, if we were just dating someone it would be nessisary to spend quality time with that person to fall in love with them, that is why people go out on dates. The family hour is about learning to love as a family for us, for Isaac and for Emerson to love his brother as well. So far we have done things like hikie around the lake, canoeing, walks through the neighborhood, playing in the ball pit building the train set, arts and crafts projects, water table play, sprinkler play and racing hot wheels. It is a nice time for us to laugh and just be together. Of course there are moments of fits, or shoving and pushin, but we are both there to help the boys work through this behavior. We typicaly finish dinner, the boys do a craft and brush their teeth while we clean up and then we play. After that it is bath time (which Isaac absolutly loves now) then story time and off to bed. It is a crazy routine at times juggling the two of them, but it is worth it.

The other big thing is that I can now say Isaac likes fire trucks, school buses, puppies, cats, songs and playing music. He loves to throw things (we are working on just balls) and he has a blast when I lift him on my legs like he is an airplane.

While physics is the weakest of my sciences I have been thinking a lot about how the laws of motion apply to my two boys. Emerson could best be described as inertia. He is the resistant to motion. For instance I literaly had to drag him into his tent (this is where he has insisted on sleeping all summer) for a nap. He will make a great Green Peace protester one day. Isaac is building up his potential energy. He is taking so much in right now and learning the "Law of the Land" We see huge progress everyday. At times it can be madning as I would love for it to be kenetic and us to live happily every after. It is at those moments when I have to think how realistic would it be for him to come from such a negative attention environment, a place where he was being starved to death, and a place with out boundries, and to "get" all the rules in a month. For now we will continue to focus on building up our boys potential. They have already proved them selves to be survivors of unspeakable circumstances, now it is our job to shape that zeal into greatness.