It is hard to belive sometimes that Isaac has only been with us 4.5 months. A lot has happened in all of this time, and now we are at the stage where it is hard to remember life before being a family of four. Both the boys are learning lots about this dynamic, but I think John and I have had to do the most learning. Just the little things like going to a birthday party with 2 kids, or getting them in the car, or managing car line at school, or the grogery store dynamic have all come with huge learning curves accoplished by trial and error.
Emerson has had to do a lot of growing up so that we can really teach Isaac the basics about behavior in public, expectations with property, what to eat and not to eat, how to appropriately interact with friends at a party... Fortunately (and saddle) Emerson is also just naturaly becoming more indipendant. He does not want me to hover over him at a birthday party, while Isaac wants to assign me a place to stand and he looses it if I move from that spot. Unfortunately, this means that I have to trust that Emerson is going to stay out of trouble which is a long shot on a good day.
Another thing that is challenging with having two boys 4 months apart with them added to our family at different times, is the struggle they are having with dominance. When Isaac is out, he is not assertive at all. If a kid takes his toy he will looks sad, and possibly cry, but he is not going to try and keep it, and definately would not try and get it back. Emerson on the other hand will obsesively gard the toy and would fight to the bitter end to keep control of it, just for the principal of personal possessions.
At home though it is a different story. Isaac is still not assertive but is very agressive with Emerson over what he deams to be his stuff. If Emerson takes a toy of Isaacs, fist start flying and he screams and crys like a baby. What perplexes me though is that he knows Emerson is stronger, but he will regularly take his things almost begging for a fight. I can't figure this one out for the life of me. The challenge is that once they get going they are pretty evenly matched. Fortunately they are both getting better at using their words which can prevent a lot of the problems in the long run. It will be nice when Isaac trust his voice and can speak clearer.
Speaking of speaking, he is comming a long way but has a long way to go still. When he came home the only phase he could say was "I don't know." Now he rattles off sentances and songs, but unforuntately it is still very difficult to understand him and he gets lazy with running his words together. He is already getting shy about speach. If I ask him to slow down and repeat him self, he shuts down. This worries me, because as a teacher the harest kind of kid to teach is the one that won't try. Hopefuly his confidence will start to grow in this regard.
We are also struggling with Isaac seeking negative attention. I have expereinced this with at risk teens but never with someone so young. Isaac knows the basic rules of the house now. He knows he must ask to get down from the table, he knows he can't throw toys in the house and he knows he can' dump his drink or plate becase he doesn't like what is on/in it. Regardless though he will look strait at me or John and dump out a glass of water because he wanted milk, or he will throw a christmas ordimate across the room and laugh when it smashes. It is like he way of garenting that he will get some attention and one on one time and he doesn't seem to care that it is negative. It happens when we are busy, or when I have to take care of someone else and I get it, he needs more of me. The frustrating thing is that I am one person who works 50+ hours a week, has food to prepare, a house to keep clean a garden to grow, a husband to love and two children.
While we have come a long way, we still have a long way to go.
Wow - so many of the things you are describing we are experiencing still too. On the one hand, I am so proud of Miras that he can do so much for himself now all on his own with no help, on the other I feel bad that I am not able to help him with his jammies, etc. because I am taking care of Irina. And I see this wearing on him a bit too. We are trying to at least put them to bed separately but it is hard when you are tired and still have to clean the kitchen after dinner.
ReplyDeleteAnd while Miras loves to be taught and catches on to things really fast - or tries and tries again if he doesn't. Irina is like Isaac in that she gives things a half attempt and resists any attempts to teach her or show her the right way (she'll throw it down and/or turn away). For example, with her speech she has either regressed or is being stubborn about using signs as she refuses to use them when asked. Now maybe I am pushing her a little too hard or expecting too much (Miras set the bar quite high) and she can sense it. She does seem to want to learn at her own pace and in her own way (for example, she'll go over and stack blocks on her own but not when I am encouraging her or teaching her to do so). I will admit when I am feeling hopeless about the situation and how much work is still ahead of us, I try to remind myself how far we've come. While I am certainly not an expert on the topic, it does sound like Isaac has some control issues - perhaps due to attachment? If you haven't already, you might want to talk to Diane Henson who experienced some similar behaviors in her Anton and other kids that she has counseled. She seems to have been able to use some techniques that have really helped the situation.
In any case, hang in there and get help where you can to lessen your load. Things will get easier over time and the joy of even the smallest milestone will be very very satisfying - especially since it didn't come easy.
Karon,
ReplyDeleteEmail me please...I can't find your email and have a couple of things to discuss with you that are too long for a comment.
Cindy CyndilJ@aol.com
Hi Karon,
ReplyDeleteI found your blog through the Kaz chatboard. I had attempted a Kaz adoption in 2007-2008 and 10 months after registering my dossier in country, it was rejected and returned--I never did travel there.
I switched gears and brought home my daughter from Russia at the age of 3 years and 10 months. It has been a wonderful journey and many things you write about sound familiar to me. Not wanting affection initiated at first but only wanting it on her terms was so true at first but not anymore. I continued to give her lots of affection to her dismay and I started out in the beginning holding her and rocking her to sleep every night. She really did not like this some nights in the beginning but I would not put her down. To this day I am still rocking her to sleep and it is a very calm and snuggly time that we both enjoy. She also told me recently that I always hug and kiss her but that she likes it--we've come a long way. I remember praying that one day she would sit on my lap to watch a movie and now sometimes I have to remind myself of that as she sits on my all the time.
I noticed a big change when she could communicate well--it really decreased the frustration level for both of us.
One year later and I can hardly remember the hard times.
Your boys are adorable and your family sounds wonderful.
I also applaud your decision to go without TV's. I have often thought it would be better but can't bring myself to make that plunge. You've given me something to think about.