So is it because he is 3 or adoption?

This is a question adoptive parents ask a lot. Maybe more so than those who have both bio and adopted children. Now that we have managed to work through many of the glaring issues we are seeing more and more of our new little man. Many of his personality traits are just that, him. Some though cause me concern. When I mention this outside of the adoption community I get, "well all kids go through that, or my kid does that." Then I talk to others with kids who were born with a cleft pallet and I find that there is a set of characteristic behavior these kids all have in common. When I talk to the adopting community I here words and phrases like Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Then add to all of that being 3 with very limited communication skills with only 4 months of having someone even listen to you and only 2 months of hearing what anyone is saying.

Writing this helps me see it is all a combination of things that creates this perfect storm.

Don't get me wrong, life is not a total storm with Isaac, but it is definitely filled with warm and cold fronts, high and low pressure areas. The problem is we have not found the key to interpreting his temperaments.

This past Thursday and Saturday I found myself very worried for him. Here are the things that concern me:
1. Hugs are on his terms. If I approach for one 60% of the time I am pushed away. He still likes them, but he must initiate. The other 40% no big deal if I sneak one in.
2. He answers "No" to almost verything first, then turns around and ask for the same thing after he just told you "No." Can we say opposite world?
3. Seriously pout behavior that is not fun to be around. You know someone like this. Everyone is having fun laughing and playing and there is the one kid in the corner who just won't join in and has a scowl on their face. He can snap out of it but it takes a ton of work on our part.
4. Night Terrors. For those who have not experienced one as a parent, count yourself as very lucky. There are terrifying. If he is off schedule with sleep, or if he falls asleep anywhere other than his bed, all hell is going to break loose when he "wakes up." He is not the same person and he can cry hysterically without consolation for up to 45 minutes.
5. Playing dumb despite major consequences. John and I have very few rules. One is that both boys must ask "May I get down please" after meals. Both boys know it and have said it 100's of times. For some reason Isaac will just refuse or play dumb when it comes time to do this.

Ok E is up now so I must go.

Life on who's terms

I would like to belive that all is well with Isaac, but I must admit we and he have a lot of hard emotional work to do. Yes, we have made great progress but it is like the old saying "The more you know, the less you know." The futher we come with him, the more apparent his suffering is.

Today is Veteran's Day so I am home for work. On work days I normaly am up at 5am and out the door by 5:45. Becuase I was home the boys came running into our room and we let the crawl in bed for some family time. Emerson is very used to this, but it is rare that Isaac is up early enoguh to take part. It was glaringly obvious this morning that Isaac had a huge internal struggle going on. He wanted so baddly to cuddle, to enjoy the closeness, but it was so forighn to him that he was on edge the whole time. If things became slightly uncomfortable for him he would start thrashing his arms or crying hystericaly. Back to the world of 0-60 on emotions.

Later on this morning I also caught him staring at him self in the mirror while pawing at his hair (this is his new nervous tick.) He looked at him self with such sadness that I was close to tears. My attempts to cheer him were met with resistance. My attempts to acknowldge his pain were met with resistance, a hug "NO!" walk away "NO" sad? "NO" mad "NO!" It is so hard to watch a 3.5 year old try and processes something so complicated as abandonment x 3.

His other big thing right now is that things must be on his terms. If I go to give him a hug he will sometimes push me away, two seconds latter he is crying out for a hug. If I state we should go outside and play he says no, the goes outside without me and screams at me to follow. This has got to stop. I recognize that many kids who have expereinced similar trama do this behavior, but I also know it is because they want to be in charge because in the past the adults were not worthy of the honor.

It is a lot of work for us and requires an insane amount of patience. The good news is that he does cuddle, he does make eye contact, he loves to read in the rocking chair.

With all this said, I want to let my readers know that it is national adoption month. I want you to know that there are still 145 million kids out there that need homes, I want you to know the longer it takes for their forever family to bring them home, the harder life is for them, I want you to know that it is not ok for us to forget the horors these kids face, or even worse to forget they are out there. Kids need families that love them through thick and thin, and the orphans that remanied traped through buracracy need our voice to shout out that an institution is not an acceptable alternative.

Loving thorugh the rough spots

Tonight something amazing happened. Well it didn't just come about tonight, but it seemed to click. I need to back up a bit though because I have been a really bad blogger and one busy mama. This past weekend was pretty hectic. On Saturday John did a booth at the Moss Rock Festival for our business "The Backyard Pantry." I took the boys, and we had some very fun moments. Most of the time though was spent with me being pulled in two very different directions. They rarely wanted to do the same thing at the same time, so I had to do a lot of refereeing and shouting at one of them to come back. Typical Emerson would take off and run though the crowds to participate in his favorite festival game, people bowling. But, dragging Isaac along to chase Emerson is flat out not an option, unless I want to look like that crazy mom that was caught on tape dragging her child through a department store.

Unfortunately I made a poor choice. We stayed too long and I did not feed Isaac often enough. Both are a recipe for disaster. He still deals with these needs not being met in the same way an infant would. And like the parent of an infant I felt lost once the mood went sour. Unfortunately he is 3.5 and it is much harder to manage and/or shift the melt down once it starts. In the end it all worked out but it taught me a lot. Naps and food are non-negotiable for Isaac. He looses all faith in us as parents if he does not get food on a regular schedule. If he is over tired he reverts.

That night John and I were actually able to have a long talk after the boys went to bed about how both the boys are doing. We acknowledged how far they have come as brothers and how incredibly far Isaac has come in the 4 months we have known him. We have worked with him to stop some huge behavior issues, he is a health weight, he has communication skills, his comprehension is growing by leaps and bounds. We also acknowledged that he is starting to get that we are his parents, and what that concept even is.

His biggest issue right now is his need to test us constantly. He will regularly do manipulative things just to see how we will react. The other day I caught him sitting on Emerson while crying as if he was the one getting tortured. I silently watched from the hall and when they looked up and saw me they both started laughing hysterically. It taught me a lot.

On Sunday John had a booth set up at the Jewish Food Festival/Green Living Fair. This was a much more manageable event for the boys. Lots of food was available, the area was fenced, there was a bouncy castle, and we left before nap time. Lots of fun was had.

Now to the big event for today. Tonight Isaac was asleep when I got home, and he was still asleep when dinner was ready. John decided to wake him up for dinner to avoid the whole hunger thing latter. Well unfortunately Isaac suffers from night terrors, and waking him up can often put him in a very awkward state of mind. He became hysterical and there was no good way to get him out of it. Finally, John just held him while he cried and then I came in to sit with him, while he continued to cry. Emerson then had to come in, and when he did he put his hand on Isaac's shoulder and said, "It's Ok Isaac, I have bad dreams too." All of the sudden he snapped out of it and joined us for dinner. Mind you he cried hard and hysterical for 20 min, and 10 sec. latter he skipped to dinner like nothing had happened.

What I found to be beautiful about all of this is it really seemed like at that moment Isaac understood what a family was and that we are really here for him. It sure felt good.