Numbers that mean something

I awoke this morning with number swimming in my head.  Numbers like 147 Million orphans, two little black eyed boys, 100's of friends who have taken the leap to welcome these orphans into their souls and lives, 46 families (at least) who have finalized their Russian adoptions, but (at the present time) will not be able to bring them home.  I think of the Kygerstan 64 families that have fought for years to free their children or the 411 families that met their children in Nepal only to have bureaucracy and politics imprison their children in a flailing system of "care."  Or the families who never got to bring their kids home from Guatemala, or Vietnam, or the countless families in the US who fostered kids for months or years, only to have the US states decide over and over again that blood line is the best choice for kids. When truly, those who have worked closely with the kids who bounce back and forth from foster home to hospital, to biological families, back to foster care again know that blood is not always what is best for our most vulnerable among us. 

I am going to come out and say this loud and clear, even though I know many of my readers will disagree.  I do not believe in Hell as most do.  I don't believe that there is some sort of afterlife punishment for those who do not abide by one religion or another's set of prerequisites.  I do however know that the concept of eternal damnation is very real and here on Earth.  I don't need some threat of "do this or else."  I have seen it.  I have seen it in Central America in the eyes of a poor mother who's child died of starvation despite her best efforts and boundless love, I have seen it in the shame on the legless veterans face who begs for money.  I have seen it in the lost empty eyes of the children I left in the orphanages in Kazakhstan as I could only bring one home.  I see it when an adopted mother desperately tries to get her child dental care, but told "no" to anaesthesia for pulling 6 absest teeth because it is not medically necessary to prevent suffering.  There are 27 families in CT that know good and well what Hell feels like.  And now, the 700,000 + orphans in Russia who live life in Hell on Earth each and every day, will continue to live life in conditions that we preach might befall us in the afterlife. 

The news of Russia shutting down adoptions for Americans has hit me in so many ways.  On one hand it puts me back to remembering the day we found out Kazakhstan was closing.  The same day our paperwork made it to the Embassy, only to be returned.  For us it was heartbreaking, but I can see now, not nearly as heart braking as it must be for the 46 families that have gone to Russia met their children, gone to court, received birth certificates, and made a promise to their children of coming back to bring them into their forever families.  We spent almost three months in Kazakhstan adopting Emerson.  We refused to return to the US because I was terrified of something like this happening.  I can remember my father asking me when I would relax and believe he was really our son.  I replied "when I have him home." 

I can also see another side.  Imagine for a moment if we were to learn in the US that kids who were in our foster system and not adopted after 1 year of being available could be adopted by families in Russia or China.  We too might assume some of the things the Russian Parliament is thinking.  Yes, the individuals might be good, but when you lump all people into a mass category of a stereotypical culture you are playing a dangerous game of judgment.   

Then there is the undeniable truth that nags at me every day.  We as a society our lousy at taking care of the weakest.  We bemoan the EPA for killing jobs, rather than thanking them for keeping mercury out of our drinking water.  We tell people "the ONLY way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun."  We industrialize our schools to a point where our kids are numbers, statistics, chair sitters and our counselors are those who administer high stakes test.   We shun those who are mentally hurting, and label the alert child in an overstimulating environment as ADD, and wonder why they lash out.  We move the public health clinic for the poor to suburbs where there is no bus service, and yes, we let bureaucracy run the law of the land when it comes to the orphans on the world. 

I recognize that many of my readers are AP's but some are not and have never tried to navigate the system of truly trying to bring into your home a child who does not have a family.  It is a battle my friend.  And not one that ends, ever.  When we decided to adopt we fully thought it would be domestic.  We hear all the time (sometimes in front of our children)  why not just adopt a kid from the US.  There are so many who need homes.  To those I say, go ahead give you local DHR and call, then lets talk.  I know families who have waited years with open hears, minds and with rooms ready, only to be jerked around by the US system.  Yes, these kids do need homes, but we have got to revamp our system.  By the time an average kid in the US finds their forever family they have been in 18 placements.  Do you have any idea what that does to a child?  New born adoption in the US is equally as perilous.  It involves adopting a family because most adoptions are open.  This works great for some, not for others, and when it comes to adopting, you better go in with your eyes wide open, because nievitey does nothing for you at 3 am with a child who is unconsolable for the 3 hour in a row.  The other aspect is that a birth mother can changer her mind (rightly so) after she gives birth to the child.  For me I knew there were millions of kids already alive that needed a home so domestic infant adoption did not appeal to us.  For those who do form their families this way, I comend you for being there to guide a child as soon as possible.  Fortunately very few of these kids end up as "orphans." 

Now, lets think for a moment the reality of what happens to children who grow up without a family or foster family (which by the way, those in the US who are doing a good job at this, are the unsung heroes of taking care of our weakest.)  A large number of children don't survive the institutions/orphanages around the world. Illness, malnourishment, physical and sexual abuse is rampant.  In China, those that are weak are sent to the dying rooms, and the precious few resources that the orphanages have, are given to those who are "stronger."  Then lets think about what it means to be a toddler in an orphanage.  My son at 2.5 spent about 23 hours a day in a crib, head flattened, gross moter skills stunted.  My other son had never been outside until we took him out ourselves. 

Now lets just say you are one of the 25% that survives this emotional, nutritional, and stimulus void environment until you are school age.  Don't expect to get much schooling, or medical help, or dental care.  If you are strong, you might get to go work in a sweat shop and make a bunch of cheep plastic crap so Americans can go buy it at walmart or get a nice little toy with their "happy meal."  If you are a pretty girl, you can go work in the prostitution rings.  If you are disabled, deformed, defected, off to the permanent institutions for the disabled.  Hell on Earth.

If you live to 16, say goodbye to the comforts of your institutionalized Hell and you are off on your own with out a family, education, money, skills, love, nourishment.  The "options" are few for these kids.  Prostitution, slavery (yes it still exist), gangs, drugs, suicide, terrorist organizations ect. 

Then there are the few families in the world (1-5% of all families) who form through adoption.  We are the lucky ones (me not my kids.)  My kids are not lucky that they had to endure what they did.  Just today, I found out Emerson is going to need to have major dental surgery due to extreme malnutrition in-utero and during his first 12 months of life.  With Isaac he came to us as a 17 lb 3.5 year old.  He was labeled as autistic/schizophrenic mute child.  When really he was a child of trauma.  His first adoptive family could not take it despite their best intentions.  For the scars of neglect profoundly effect young children. 

I hear all the time "children are so resilient, they bounce back from everything so quick."  The problem is, this is just not true.  Early childhood neglect and trauma literally rewire and deform the most basic brain waves, functions and structures, causing all new memories and experiences to be built on a faulty platform.  So what happens when we get our children home after fighting sometimes years for the right and privilege to shrink that number of 147 million. 

We hold a child with night terrors for hours as they are inconsolable
We try to explain to the landlord why all the wall paper was ripped off the wall
We try to block the oncoming rock or toy train that is being throw at us from a child in a PTSD rage.
We sit through IEP meetings while some listen tearfully to the horrors of your child's experiences and other seemed inconvenienced by their different needs that don't fit the mold.
We fight with insurance companies about covering children that were adopted older.
We endure the stares of people as our child flails on the ground from over stimulation because for years they had none, and the world is still frighting to them. 
We face one more surgery or trip to Children's Hospital to try and undo the damage that was done while we waited for bureaucracy to run its course. 
We are treated with scepticism as "those crazy parents" by doctors, teachers, and principles when we try to explain how early childhood trauma and neglect has made my child different. 
Many of us them make a huge leap and homeschooling our children, to protect them from further slipping backwards in society.

And, with all that said, I would do it over and over again.  Unfortunately I am just a teacher and my husband is just a small business owner who also stays at home with our boys to give them the much needed back parenting they so desperately need as they move forward in this world.  What this means though is that according to US law we don't make enough money to bring more children into our family.  So, now we are fighting for a larger cause. 

There are a lot of outspoken pro-lifers out there.  Most of them believe and profess in an afterlife possibility of hell.  For those of you out there protesting abortion, stand up equally as loud for the 147 million kids that are hear on Earth, enduring a Hell that most in the US cannot even begin to imagine.  If you are in a position of power, look at the list above of what families face who do give fathers, and mothers to the orphans of the world, and see what you can do to change that. 

Vladimir Putin made a bold move today in the very wrong direction.  Are there enough of us out there, to offset this move through action, goodness and changing the conversation in both the US and the world on how we treat and care for the most vulnerable? 

The Grinch's Heart

Yesterday was our day out in the "real world."  Normal our Saturday's are activity filled.  We started off the day at the Art Museum's Christmas event.  The boys were so excited to run into old friends.  And like most of my plans to further their cultural endeavors, my boys managed to turn the art museum into another really cool playground. 

We managed to get them outside into the sculpture garden where the security guards would not be so nervous about four sprinting kids.  And thus, logically it seemed a great place to play hide and seek. They had a blast until one of the four declared a statue of a necked man was "base."  Then she ran to base, grabbed its but and said as the voice of reason "This base is kinda gross!" 

But, the highlight of the day for me was our next stop.  The boys were invited to a twin birthday party with a Grinch Stole Christmas theme.  At the end of the party, the game was for the boys to "pin the heart on the Grinch."  Each child was asked to fill the heart they had been given with something that would make the Grinch's heart grow.

Most of the other kids were waiting for something to write with, but not my little Isaac.  He still had his pencil in his pocket from the Art Museum scavenger hunt.  Then he very deliberately wrote on the heart "DAD" and drew a picture of his dad.  When I asked him about it he said, "I think the Grinch would have a much bigger heart if he had a Dad like mine." 

Proud Mama

I love my boys more than I knew it was possible to love something.  Being a parent to them has allowed my heart to grow in directions that I did not know were possible.  With that, I am also able to feel all of the other parenting emotions in great detail.  When they do something frustrating, it is maddening to me, or disappointment can become shame, and proud can become an intense form of pride. 

Emerson has always been easy to look at with adoration.  He can charm the pants off of just about everyone he meets.  He knows how to work a crowd and win over his mama's heart.  Isaac on the other hand, is more complex.  He is my visual learner who excels already in math in many ways.  Take for example the Law of attention for negatives and positives.  If a child does something positive they have between a 20-60% chance of getting attention for the action.  If a child does something negative they have a 95-100% chance of getting attention. 

So, needless to say, when your brother is an outgoing, charming attention hog, you gotta get some attention however you can, and with Isaac that tends to be with the negative.  But... and this is a big one.... Isaac and martial arts is all about being his best, because he loves it that much. 

I have always been clear about my goals for the boys with them taking karate.  I want Emerson to gain skills in following directions, and physical agility/coordination.  For Isaac I wanted him to have an outlet for his aggression, and confidence building sport and a place for him to excel physically. 

Yesterday, as I sat in the parent section, I could feel myself beaming. 

Emerson loves martial arts.  He practices all the time.  He pays attention there better than any other time.  He still struggles, but for him, he has his A game on when he goes to class.  It is a pleasure to watch him improve despite his struggles.

Isaac marched into class, bowed at the door, went to the wall and sat "like a black belt" and waited for class to start.  He watched his instructors intently.  When asked to come up, he confidently shouted a "yes sir!" and ran to attention.  He performed each skill to a level of impressive accuracy for a five year old, and his instructors and other parents noticed.  There was so much to smile about during the 45 min. class.  My boy was impressive, just because.  It wasn't just that he was better than he was before, or that people were patronizing him.  He was in his element and he did something wonderful because he was passionate about it, and he was good. 

Needless to say positive attention was abound on the car ride home, but no amount of praise said, could match the peace my heart felt in seeing that my little one has what it takes, and much more.

Confession of Lemon

You know the phrase "when life gives you lemons make lemonade", well I am not sure if that applies in this situation. 

I am the lemon, or to be more specific my body is a lemon. No, I don't mean the yellow fruit that makes great pies and refreshing drinks.  I mean it like the crappy used car you bought with cash, but you are constantly having the check engine light come on, or you are constantly breaking down.  That is the kind of lemon my body is. 

It was not always that way.  I know, what those who are reading who know me in real life are thinking... "Just wait until you turn 40 then you will know what falling apart feels like."  When people say this to me I cringe for many reasons, but mostly it makes me hide even more. 

You see, there are days when I wake up and I can't walk, or can't use an arm or nights where I don't sleep at all because there is not position of comfort.  My body has decided that I am its own enemy.  That parts of me don't belong and should thus be treated like an invader. 

Most of the time, I can control my immune system from going nuts through medicine, diet, exercises plain old begging and willing it to work.  But, every once and a while I loose and it wins.  Usually it is a big storm that rolls in, where I have absolutely no control and thus I become trapped in a body that had decided to destroy itself. 

Yesterday my left shoulder and arm was useless or perhaps worse than useless because it was excruciating.  I don't bother saying anything to my students fellow workers, and not too much to my family.  Why complain. It is not their fault, they can't fix it, and worse when people put in their two cents it is usually based on pretty faulty outdated information.  Not to mention that today, my left arm is fine, but my right elbow, wrist and hand are...useless, swollen, curled and in pain.  Talk about trying to explain that one in a casual "What happened to your arm"

My response it typically "I am a lemon" and then I offer nothing else.  How do you say in polite conversation, "I have a degenerative auto-immune disorder that is destroying a joint that it thinks is injured, but it is no, so it is causing an injury which it will then go in a fix."  Not such great lunch table conversation. 

Now, there is some lemonade to go with this burden of lemons.  For those who knew me in the younger years, I took a lot of physical risk.  I had big dreams of where my life was heading.  I feel like these lemons are constantly steering me, serving as a ruttier.  Many roads I have taken in life I would not have taken, and most of them have been pretty sweet.  So for now, don't shake my hand, or ask what I did to myself, but just know that I am apparently being shoved onto a different road.  Maybe when I get on the right one, (or the storm passes) I will be back to functioning like always. Untill then have a glass of lemonade for me.     

unbalanced enough

Sorry for the absence of writing these past few weeks.  I have been in a funk and did not feel the need to spread the confused outlook I was having on life.  I will say we had a wonderful Thanksgiving and my time with the boys and family was filled with precious moments and quality experiences.  I felt alive, meaningful and purposeful. 

But, for many reasons, I have not felt those things this past week.  I have been struggling with the monotony and mundane of life. 
Then, this morning I read the following poem for the first time: 

"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish enough "Hello's" to get you through the final "Good-bye.."

It seems clear to me know that my "enoughs" are out of whack.  I feel like I don't have enough money to make ends meat, enough time with my boys, enough food growing to share a meal.  I feel like I have been eating too much junk, having too much coffee, sleeping too much to wish the darkness away.  Not enough outside time, not enough time with friends, or books, or in meaningful conversation. 

I know that in the grand scheme of things that balance does not come on a day to day basis, and the big lesson for me right now is that I am having just "enough" imbalance to nudge me in the right direction. 

For me, this is the time of year where I start to feel drained from being in constant output mode.  I share everyday what I know and teach others, I take care of my wonderful boys, I look after my gardens but harvest little during these months.  As a result I feel drained and empty and I need to find someway to get input, learn something new, read something engaging and find the time to do what is most important.  Be whole and present for those around me. 

What a difference a decade makes

I am not sure if I have ever mentioned my first date with John on my blog.  Surprisingly, it was not exactly a conventional courtship.  John and I met while working at Hancock Field Station in the desert of Oregon.  After knowing each other a few months as fellow field instructors who led kids off into the desert for 2-5 mile hikes daily, we were able to go on a river trip to scout the John Day before taking kids on the river.  With all that said, John was off limits.  He was dating someone else.  How did I know this given that I rarely saw him? 

Did I mention that we lived in a very remote place?  So remote that cell phones did not work and we just had very slow dial up Internet that we could rarely access due to being out in the filed most of the time.  John being a diligent problem solver and handy, decided to install his own phone line in his cabin.  He had to literally dig a trench over 1/2 mile from the nearest place to split the line.  He worked on this project for over a month.  Finally he had finished it so he could talk to the girl in Idaho he was dating. 

Fast forward to the very next day.  I found John sitting in the homemade wood burning hot tub that we (the instructors) had built.  He was never in there because he was always working on his phone line.

When I asked him how the phone was working, he replied that women were evil, and that she had broken up with him then hung up on him on his first official phone call on his newly installed phone.  This made the space free.  I had just left a four year relationship and I was in no mood to be in another one any time soon. 

When John mentioned a few days later that he was going to Seattle for a few days, I invited myself along, desperately needing a change of scenery.  On the way north, we noticed how windy it was, and John being the adventuresome type, just happened to have a 6ft. wingspan stunt flying kite with him.  So, we pulled over at the Cottonwood Bridge to fly this kite.  The kite was impressive, and the wind was intense.  It literally picked John up and carried him in three steps across a parking area the size of a football field. 

When he got to the edge of the lot, he launched head first into the sage brush and had sticks and twigs protruding everywhere.  It was funny on so many levels.  But life was about to become interactive.  He decided at this point to tie himself to the car, you know, to prevent being launched into sharp sticks again.  Now he needed my help to launch this kite.  Willingly I hiked out in the field, found the kite tangled up and set it free.  I held it high above my head, waited for his tug, the tossed it strait into the air.  At this point I made the novice mistake of stunt kite flying; I looked up to see it fly.  Unfortunately I got a very close look, because the kite took a nose dive and slammed into my face, causing me to began to spurt blood out the side of my head.  (Romance at its best)

So, I loving refer to our fist date as "the time John tried to kill me with his kite."  A lot has happened in last 10 + years of us being together.  We have run rivers, climbed glaciers, I let him live through a few remodeling projects, we adopted not once, but twice, we lived 1/2 way around the world, we have moved, and moved again. 

This past weekend, we decided to have some family time at Dauphin Island.  It was a great time, for time to go slow enough for me to get a moment to be reflective and also in awe of how far we have come as a family and as people over the last 10 years.  There is one exception though. 

The kite is still alive and well and she was flown this weekend, and John risked life and limb to save her again. 

Imagine if you will 50 mph winds on a large sandy beach with intermittent grassy sand dunes, tide pools and the occasionally washed up debris.  John was letting Isaac hold the kite handles and all of the sudden, Isaac decided he didn't want to hold them any more.  John was holding on to Isaac so he wouldn't fly away, but instead of Isaac saying "Dad, can you take over?"  he just let go.  John's first reaction was "seriously Isaac" but then love of the kite kicked in and he was off, sprinting like a mad man after his kite.  Unfortunately he also had a sling backpack on at the time that was clipped to his belt loop.  As he was running and falling behind the race with the kite, he tried to ditch the backpack to gain speed.  He had forgotten that he had clipped it to his pants.  "No problem" I imagine him thinking, I will just ditch the pants and keep on running.  So here is my husband 10 years later, running through sharp sand grass, through freezing cold tide pools, in his underwear all to save his kite. 

Isaac and Emerson watched the scene in awe with me.  At one point Isaac looked at me and asked "am I in trouble?"  I replied "that depends on whether he catches it or not."  None the less, when his pants/ backpack came off we all laughed.  When he dove into the waves belly flopping and came out victorious we all cheered for all sorts of personal reasons.  Me, because John will go to all limits and effort to save something he loves, Emerson because he now has a good reason to wear underwear, Isaac because he was not going to get in trouble, and John because he has still got what it takes to risk life and limb for his family and his kite. 

Two weeks worth of lessons

So some of you have expressed interest in how our weeks work with John teaching.  Here are two weeks worth of plans.  Granted, this is just an outline, but it gives you the gist of what we are doing with them.  This does not include all of the imaginative play and creative things they come up with during the day.  This is just how we are intentional about concepts. 

Date: Nov. 5-9 Theme: Dauphin Island


Letter: Y Number: Upper teens

Site Words: We, Like, To, Go, Went

Vocabulary: island, fort

Animal of the week: Dauphin

Field Trip: Dauphin Island Sea Lab

Objectives:

1. Preparing for Dauphin Island (packing and learning)

2. Know what an island is and mark the spot on a map

3. Know the sounds the letter Y makes and how to draw it.

4. Continue to work on teens in math





MONDAY Specific instructions Special information

Morning Activity Journals

Handwriting/ Fine motor skills/Art Itsy bits Y book and play dough or side walk chalk letter.

PE/ Gross Motor Skill Sits ups, jumping jacks and stretching for warm up.

Card Game with sit ups and jumping jacks See direction sheet. Take out face cards from the deck

Math Number of the day WS, Group things by that number. Take one away, add another one.

17 Have the kids use the domino's to see how many ways they can make 17

Science What is an island? Define, write and color major islands on the world map
Reading Use new sight word flash cards then do the letter cut and paste for the new words.


TUESDAY  Election Day
Morning Activity Journal

 Vocabulary Election, President, Ballot, Leader

Handwriting/ Fine motor skills/Art Make election campaign poster

SS Have kids watch the election video and list what makes a good leader. Make their own campaign poster to take with them to the polling place. Have the boys interview people about what leadership is while waiting in line. Tally up the comments and have the kids create a pictograph of leadership traits.

Bowling after voting

Math Bowling/ subtraction
Reading Rainbow write site words and color code the sentences then read aloud.

WEDNESDAY All about Islands 

Morning Activity Journal and discuss election results

Handwriting/ Fine motor skills/Art Letter Y Handwriting sheet 1 and 2

PE/ Gross Motor Skill Math Teens ball toss with buckets in the yard

Math Number 18 Have kids use the dominoes to see how many different ways they can make the number 18

Science What do we want and see on vacation? What tools do we need to pack:

Sand toys, screens, kites, binoculars, bird books ect. Have them pack a small rubber made tub with their science instruments for exploring the island.

SS Label dauphin island and Birmingham on the map of AL

Reading Write sentences using site words

THURSDAY
Morning Activity Journals

Handwriting/ Fine motor skills/Art Give the boys a newspaper or magazine and have them highlight the letter Y when they see it.

PE/ Gross Motor Skill Karate Test tonight. They need a good nap.

Math Number 19

Other The big goal of the day is to get groceries and cook for the weekend:

Make bread

Cookies

Hot coco mix

What to pack for food

Go to grocery store after making list.

FRIDAY Preparing for field Trip
Mom takes Emerson to eye doctor

John and Isaac pack the car

Next week

Date: Nov 12-16 Theme: Veterans, Thankful For


Letter: M Number: 20,30,40,50

Site Words: on, am, in, you, are

Vocabulary: Thanks, Veteran,

Field Trip: Dauphin island

Objectives:
Learn why we celebrate veteran’s day

Who are veterans

What are we thankful for

Learning about the history and traditions of Thanksgiving

Recognize, sound out and write the letter “M”

Be able to write 20,30,40 and 50 and say them correctly.

Determine less than more than for 20,30,40,50
MONDAY
Morning Activity
Veterans Day

TUESDAY
Morning Activity Journals

Handwriting/ Fine motor skills/Art Making their itsy bitsy M book.
Paint M, side walk chalk and play dough M’s Watch Emerson as he works and make sure he is doing it neat and that both boys are reading it back to you.

PE/ Gross Motor Skill Bowling and Math

Math 20. Have them measure and mark 20 somewhere. Can they get their car into the range of the 20’s

Science What did we learn at Dauphin island

SS Veterans day definition. Make something for Tom and mail it to him.

Reading Play matching and games with new word cards.

Cut and paste letters to make new words




WEDNESDAY
Morning Activity Journals and q tip art Have them do a dotted pattern on paper with q tips. Then they use a paint brush to blend the colors

Handwriting/ Fine motor skills/Art Worksheet 1 and 2 for the letter M

PE/ Gross Motor Skill Nature Hike

Math 30 Have them measure out the 30’s Have them try to get a hot wheel or other item in this range. Have them then do less than 30 or more than.

SS Thanksgiving tree.

All they need to do today is make their “I’m thankful for..” list I will make leaves and the boys need to make one a day for something they are thankful for.
Reading Rainbow writing words
THURSDAY 

Morning Activity Journals

Handwriting/ Fine motor skills/Art M hidden picture coloring and Poem about M

PE/ Gross Motor Skill Karate

Math 40 Same as 30’s but with 40’s

SS Make a list of people they want to make Thanksgiving cards for

 Reading Color coding sentences


FRIDAY
Handwriting/ Fine motor skills/Art Finding M’s around the house, and in the news.

PE/ Gross Motor Skill Slack Line Walking See directions printed. Have the boys set up a very short one for this week. Once they master one length we will go for something longer.

Math 50 Same as 30’s but with 50’s

SS History of Thanksgiving We need to get books and movies from the library for this lesson 

Reading Writing sentences using site words

Finding the long lost Optimisum

Sorry for the two week absence for those who are still follow along.  A lot has gone on these two weeks, and I am working on developing a filter, other than just writing things on the blog (as not everyone who reads, is here for the right reasons).  For the most part, these past two weeks have left me in a dark, questioning, distrustful place.  This is not a state of mind I deal well with.  I am not, for the most part, a dweller, but the events that have upset me have shaken me once again at my core. 

But, things in life got complicated, and were not the type of issues I could, with good conscious, just bury my head in the sand.  One thing led to another, and choices had to be made, but they were not popular or easy choices.  To some they were "wrong," to others the could have been necessary, and to me, it was the best I could do given the circumstances. 

Ultimately, it left my soul hurting on so many levels.  Once again, I was being backed into a corner of forced indifference.  Regardless, I did not retreat or relent, but was encouraged to so by the powers that be.  It hurt my soul, and it has been hard to bounce back  despite by best intentions of moving on with my life and going about my business. 

On Friday, I was still wound up and I knew I needed to calm my mind.  I tried to pick just one word to focus on to quiet my internal monologue on justice.  I tried, "trust" but the world does not deserve such a word right now.  I tried "calm" but I am frustrated that there is too much calm sometimes about things that don't deserve "calm."  Finally I just asked for "hope" to present itself to me along with "companionship" and finally sleep came. 

Saturday of this week was a busy one for our family.  My husband and I own a business "The Backyard Pantry" where we build and install ready to plant raised garden beds.  This weekend, we decided to work a huge festival as part of the Eco-ideas section.  We were swamped the entire day and John has gone back to work a second day. 

I bring this up, because it was invigorating to be affirmed by so many that we are doing something good for the world.  We had people thanking us for creating such a business.  This affirmation is something I have sorely been missing these last few weeks.  Rational or not, I function better, when what I am doing is recognized with insightful deep conversation and acknowledgement of the specifics. 

Then as vendors we went to the VIP party and this is where my prayers were answered and I began to be hauled out of a hole of dispare. I met other decenters, fighters, caring people who were not worried about their popularity but about standing up for what is right.  (I am also not so naive to think that "right" is the same for everyone.)  What was lovely though, was being introduced to new friends from old friends, who could have discourse.  We were not the outcast, or the weird ones, but part of a group who really does have hope for making the world around them better, safer, cleaner. 

So this Sunday, I have found my optimism again.  My goal is to have it last throughout the week, or at least to remember this feeling when I feel like I am slipping back into a place of pessimism about the world around me. 

What have I done with this day?  Well, I have roasted pumpkins, make soup stock, cooked spinach pie (made with our kale) preserved part of the 10 gallons of pecans John and the boys picked the other day, made two loaves of apple bread, prepared the home school notebook for John for the week, and spent wonderful time with my growing little boys.  Tomorrow I shift into looking after the minds of my 100+ students and I hope I sever them well, with honor, with passion and compassion. 

What a week looks like

Many people have asked us how John is dealing with being the teacher at Daddy School.  I will say first off, he is a really great teacher for the boys and loves being there for him.  John also teaches a bit like he cooks.  He is very good about following a recipe, but not so good at looking in the refrigerator or garden and just coming up with something to make. 

I am better with the figuring things out from scratch and research, so I write the plans for each week.  I am not sure if this post will be helpful to anyone out there, but here it is, what our weekly plan looks like. 

Date: October 22-27 Theme: Look at me grow

Letter: W and X Number: 50’s
Site Words: The, is, it, can
Vocabulary: Word Want, Weather, Water, Harvest
Instrument of the week: Woodwinds,
Field Trip: Pumpkin Patch with Everest Academy. (See sheet)

Objectives:
Learn how to measure in inches
Record facts about how big they are and what they know
Create a “just my size book.”
Learn the value of things in the 50’s
Know the sounds for the letters of the week
Be able to identify and read sight words in text

MONDAY
Morning Activity Writing in journals. Listening to woodwinds, weather and the daily plan

Handwriting/ Fine motor skills/Art The boys will be creating their all about me books. I will make these and they will need to trace the titles, do the art work, and help measure each other. You will need to lead them through each of the activities.

If you have extra time work on the bat houses. I have made the books and they just need to trace the letters, then write it in their best handwriting below when there is space. Do take their picture on this day and have them print it and put in on the back of their book.

TUESDAY
Morning Activity Writing in journals. Listening to woodwinds, weather and the daily plan

Handwriting/ Fine motor skills/Art Side walk chalk showing them how to form a W and an X. Be sure to show them when to lift the chalk. They then need to come in and make play dough letters

PE/ Gross Motor Skill Bowling Print and use bowling math worksheet

Math Going over the 50’s do flashcards, put them in order, do the math number of the day worksheet with “50”.

Science All about tigers Make a Tigers "Can, Have, Are" chart Get a book from the library about tigers

SS Wants Vs. Needs. Go over each day when they ask for something and have them place that item on the want’s vs. need chart and state why.

Reading Introduce new sight word flash cards. Have the kids color the words on the top and then the words in the boxes below



WENDESDAY
Morning Activity Writing in journals. Listening to woodwinds, weather and the daily plan

Handwriting/ Fine motor skills/Art Handwriting worksheets #1 Pumpkin coloring and dot to dot

PE/ Gross Motor Skill 50’s bucket toss and measuring 50 feet and counting to 50 out loud. 50 sit ups, 50 jumping jacks.

Math How many different ways can you make 50? Possibly do this with pennies or rocks.

Science Life cycle of a pumpkin. Have them cut out all of the stages and paste them in order after you discuss it. See worksheet

SS Wants Vs. Needs. Go over each day when they ask for something and have them place that item on the want’s vs. need chart and state why.

Reading Rainbow right sight words, Cut and paste letters to make sight words

THURSDAY

Morning Activity Writing in journals. Listening to woodwinds, weather and the daily plan

Handwriting/ Fine motor skills/Art Handwriting Worksheets #2

PE/ Gross Motor Skill Karate class

Math :  Baseball math

Science What is a mammal? Can, Have, Are chart. We will use this chart in the sun room them place all of the animal charts below it that are for mammals. We will eventually make ones for other groups as well.

SS Wants Vs. Needs. Go over each day when they ask for something and have them place that item on the want’s vs. need chart and state why.

Reading Use sight words in a sentence Story time at the library

FRIDAY


The Great Pumpkin Patch

Come visit

The Great Pumpkin Patch!


We will enjoy a hayride to the pumpkin patch, where you can choose a pumpkin if you wish, then we will ride back to the pavillion where we will eat lunch & hang out. All ages & all homeschoolers welcome!


Date: Friday, October 26

Time: 12:00 - 3:00pm

Location: The Great Pumpkin Patch

Details: After the hayride, each family can choose the other activities "a la carte" from pony rides, to train rides, to petting zoo, to inflatables, or you can just enjoy visiting with other homeschool families. There is food available on-site; hot dogs, burgers, fries, pies, funnel cakes & drinks, or you can bring a sack lunch or snacks.

Oh the things they say...

I often joke that while Isaac did not say more than three different words until after being 3.5 years old, he is currently making up for lost time.  The boy can rattle on and on and on and on... Well, you get the picture.  I am sure there is a part of him that is just so excited to be able to physically speak.  Then there is the other added benefit of having a family and friends that will listen to you.  A lot of the time, he is just making noises has he is playing.  It is cute for the first 6 hours, but looses its charm after a while. 

What is fun though is learning his emerging sense of humor.  Isaac, is by far my more literal and serious child.  Before I tell you about his funny sayings and humor I need to back up a bit. 

Isaac has some serious issues in the way he processes information communicated out loud.  I have no doubt that it is auditory processing disorder, but alas he cannot technically be diagnosed as such until he is older.  Anyway, the point is, that when you ask Isaac questions, the person asking has to really think about how they worded it, because it will drastically effect the answer.  For example:  "Isaac, do you want to have an elephant to come over for dinner?"  Vs.  "Isaac, who would you like to have over for dinner?" 

This is proving to be a character building challenge for John as Isaac's teacher.  The other day John spent the whole day teaching the boys about the month of October.  They sang songs, did dances, wrote the word, went on an October scavenger hunt, found it on the calender, and on and on. 

So, at the end of the day John asked Isaac, "What month is it?"  Isaac responded proudly and confidently, "5."  I am sure you can picture John's reaction, frustration, and feeling of failure. 

The next day Isaac is sitting at the kitchen table eating his snack.  He shouts to me in the other room, "Mom, don't lift up the cup.  There is a spider in there and I will deal with it when I finish my snack."  I then watch Isaac finish his snack, get a file folder, slide it under the cup with the spider (something he watches John do all the time), then carry it outside.  I'd say this is a better thing to know at 5 than what month it is. 

Fast forward to yesterday.  Isaac got a nasty cut on his hand and John and I are having to clean it daily.  John did it the first day while I was at school.  The next day, before I started, I asked Isaac how Daddy cleaned it, and if he did a good job.  Isaac then proceeded to go into an extensive detailed narrative about each and every thing John did.  The best part was when he said, "after he soaked it, the cup had blood in it.  Then Daddy pored it down the toilet.  I think the toilet was hungry or that vampires live down there and they wanted to drink my blood." 

So, no, Isaac can't really answer direct questions, but his is listening, and paying attention.  Every day my little men teach me how to look at the world in a new and interesting way. 

What does 6 Look Like?

Every year John and I say it is our favorite age of the boys.  We have loved having two five year olds and all of the amazing things they can do as five year olds.  To be honest, I have been a bit sad about the upcoming number six.  Not because of any premonition I have about the age, but because it is happening.  They are growing up fast, just like people said they would. 

We were fortunate enough to get to go camping at our friends place, with a couple of other families, for Emerson's 6th birthday.  It was wonderful to say the least.  Lots of open space, freedom to climb trees, kayaks to play in, bow and arrows to shoot, campfires to be lit, and of course an abundance of love for the kids and grown ups. 

One of the comments we get most frequently about Emerson is "boy, that kid has a lot of energy!"  Some mean it lovingly and with a bit of envy in their voice.  Some are overwhelmed by his intensity or quite honestly put off by it.  There is a part of me that wants to teach the world about sensory processing issues, and the effects of early childhood neglect on hyper vigilant behavior in surviving kids.  I do often find myself explaining that he as a 1.7 lb baby and his intensity and tenacity are inborn traits in him that make up the very reason he is here.  The question that usually comes up then is "will he grow out of 'this.'"  The answer is, I don't know. 

What I do know is that Emerson has a drive like no person I have ever met before.  He does everything with passion and intensity.  For now, this is who he is, and I am so thankful that we get to be his parents and help him choose good paths to exert his energy. 

The other huge thing is that this is the first year I have managed to make it through reading On the Day You Were Born with him and not bawl my eyes out.  John and I truly did do a dance and breathed a sigh of relief when we signed up to adopt on the day he was born.  We didn't know why for 6.5 more months, but we knew then, that we were so happy he had made it to this world. 

Fight or Flight

By nature I am a take flight sort of person.  I am not big on confrontation, or pointing out other people's faults, short comings, or what appears to be wrong from my point of view.  Granted in the South, I apparently am still considered a fighter because I dare blog or question. Survival wise, that leaves me with the option of running.  For years I was a runner (literally.)  Then I headed out West to start a-new, and I ran figuratively from one exciting adventure to the next.  When life became to routine or mundane, or just plain wrong, I could pack my two boxes of stuff, throw it into my jeep and flee. 

The beauty of this lifestyle was shallowness along with a sense of refreshing adventure.  Everything is so crisp and exciting when it is new.  You don't yet know the intricacies, the gossip, the bullies, the politics of a place, and for a flee-er, this is grand.  But as time goes on, you become close to someone, or you observe something over and over again.  You are smart enough to recognise a cultural pattern.  Up jump the values, the endorphins, the conscious being, which start to flinch with the imperfection of a place. 

I have lived in enough places (4 countries, 9 states) to know that no place is perfect.  This too is the curse of the fleer.  You know that you will get the initial rush of newness, only to be slammed in the face with the mundane jadedness of daily life once the dust has settled on your new dwelling. 

Right now, (if you could not tell by the tone of the post) I am in a melancholy place.  Don't worry AL family and co workers I am not packing or on the run again.  We are locked in place for a while.  Not to mention that my body has made it clear that I am no longer to be a runner.  It has made it clear by breaking the very fiber of my being one joint at a time. 

So now what?  I am currently in the middle (of what for me) is a very frighting place.  I know that I see the world differently than those around me.  I don't long for simple or convenient.  I don't crave popularity and busyness, or events and adrenaline.  I am a literalist and a globalist, yet I strive for self sufficiency and sustainability. 

There is nothing in particular that has put me in this current mood.  I think that is why it is affecting me so profoundly.  I feel as though I am square peg, in a round hole world.  What is sad for me, is that I cannot, for the first time in my life, picture what it is that would feel right.  Maybe this is a result of the complexity of raising two very unique boys.  Maybe it is because my husband is a fighter, who will, and does stand up for what is just (in his mind.)  Maybe it is due to loneliness of the soul, with a lack of time and energy to spend with kindred spirits.  Maybe it is that my filter for injustice has become weekend due to the events that led us to home-school our boys (even though I know with all of my heart that this is the right thing to do). 

What ever it is, my soul is aching and feels alone and lost right now.  I feel fragile.  I wish that I was an innate fighter.  I know that I am no longer physically capable of being a runner.  Unfortunately, this leaves me feeling like I have joined the indifferent.  To my soul, there could be no greater insult. 

Fun at the Farmer's Market

What a fabulous day today we have had.  Saturday for us equates with a day at the farmer's market downtown.  We did not have a booth most of the summer, because we were so booked with orders.  We like to sell again in the fall so we can get people ready for the spring, even though you can actually garden 12 months a year here. 

My mom was kind enough to offer to pick the boys up at the market so I could help John and so she could get some special time with the boys.  They had a great morning of playing on the playground and trying on their new Halloween costumes (which are very cute.)  I had a great time talking gardening with people today. 

Our booth was swamped the entire time the market was open.  We went through 150+ brochures and many more cards.  We had old costumers come and ask for more, and say how much they loved the beds.  Mostly we just had lots of excited people who realized that they too could have a garden when they thought it was unattainable before. 

It was just a great morning, filled with passionate people.  People who are willing to do things different and find that fun.  People who work with their hands and are proud of their products.  People who asked about our boys and were sad not to see them running through the market today. 

It reaffirms for me the notion that we as humans are pack animals.  We do need a pack.  Not necessarily a large one, but we need to be part of a group where we have commonalities with those around us.  Today was a day of being on common ground with many others and it was a good day. 

We are now getting ready for the week ahead, and John and I actually had time to sit down and go over the "lessons" and "goals" of the school weak.  The boys will be learning lots about sight and sound, African animals, geography, habitats and cultures.  There will be more math and baseball practice, and a canoe trip is planned for Monday.  Our boys are learning to write, by writing thank you notes, invitations, and cards to friends.  So far it is a fun adventure and we are all learning loads through the process.  Now if we could just find the time to set up their school room and finish installing the wood stove, life would be grand. 

Daddy School

It is hard to believe that one week ago today at this time, my kids were just realizing that it was their last day of "school" for them.  I took the boys to William's Orchard on the way home, and dealt with one of Emerson's largest meltdowns to date.  Isaac had his last night terror last Friday as well.  We had a wonderful, healing and restful weekend.  I worked hard on setting my three boys up for success for the next week, and we dove head first into life's next chapter. 

I must say, life has a funny way of preparing you for the unknown future.  John and I have years in the field of experiential education.  We have worked extensively with kids who did not fit the mold, and all of that is paying off now. 

John, and the boys have had an amazing week of learning.  The boys have started off each morning with desk work of hand writing, art and fine motor skills.  They do tons of math with John when making breakfast and lunch.  John has had them test race cars at different angles to see which one will be the fastest.  They went on a hike behind our house and found a turtle.  Next they went to the library to ID the turtle and find story books about turtles.  Yesterday, they played baseball and the boys had to use a measuring tape to see how far they hit it.  Each time they had to count out loud the feet, and the record their personal best in their journal along with the weather, date and name. 

I am learning that what we are doing with our boys has a name:  "Unschooling."  When I first heard this term I laughed.  Kids can't learn just by being kids.  Well, probably not everything.  What we are learning to do right now for our kindergarten boys, is be intentional about teaching through the activities we do. 

Best of all, we have had a meltdown free and night terror free night.  Isaac is no longer eating food off the floor or hoarding food, and his regressions are more playful than hateful.  Emerson is not constantly being defiant or ignoring us. 

No, it is not perfect or easy, but it sure does feel right for now.  I can't wait to see how they grown this year through this process. 

Officialy Homeschoolers

Two weeks ago if you had asked me my opinion of homeschoolers and homeschooling, it would have been pretty narrow and very judgmental.  If you had asked me if my family would ever consider it, I would have given you 20 reasons why it wouldn't work.  And, well, now I am at a place where I get to eat a lot of words, probably be on the other end of judgment, and we get to figure out a way around all of those 20 excuses. 

For you see, we worked really hard to be given the privilege of raising our two boys.  We did not accidentally become the parents of two special needs boys with a convoluted, less than favorable, past.  We choose this path very consciously.  With that choice came a lot of risk, a whole lot of change, and ultimately a very new definition of what "adventure" would look like in this phase of our lives.  Most importantly we acknowledged what every parent must face, the fact that we must do what is best for our children. 

For four weeks, we gave normal an honest try.  What we got was reports that our kids were doing great at school, but at home we were seeing a drastically different tale.  Isaac would revert every afternoon, shouting that I was not his real mother, reliving his trauma nightly through night terrors, and went back to food hoarding, gorging and eating out of the trash.  Emerson came home daily a wreck from over stimulation and exhaustion.  His tantrums became so violent that he would punch me in the face while scratching me until he drew blood.  While my heart broke, and sanity dwindled at seeing their unhealthy responses to stress, I realized that teaching them to be confident and secure in who they are, had to become our first priority. 

Our kids were not ready for the one size fits all mainstream education.  They were not ready to drop their naps, or have several transitions throughout the day, or strong enough to have the will power to say no to things that are not good for them.  John and I knew it was not a good fit, but what next. 

We explored our options, and after 1.5 weeks we know the path we will take for this year.  We are now "those people" who home school.  Yup, try and squeeze our family into those stereotypes you have always thought of.  Funny picture, right?  This is what we have learned, there are 1000's of reasons why people do it.  I have two beautiful and talented reasons that live with me everyday. 

Off we go, into this adventure whole hearted.  We are excited to see where this leads us, our boys, and their concept of family.  I have signed the paperwork and we have made the commitment.  It is exciting to think of all of the possibilities and to be able to tailor their days to who they are.  For too long in their young lives, there were just a number, a check list, something to deal with.  For now, they get to be the priority and we get to teach them what they so desperately need to learn. 

Week One at a glance

So here is what I am giving John to start off with for the week.  We figure it will be easier to go from structured to spontaneous, rather than the other way around.  We also know that plans are just a starting point, then there is reality. 

Week at a Glance: Sept 17-
Theme: Getting started
Goals and Objectives:

• Set up classroom space
• test out daily schedule to see how flow works
• incorporate in-breaths and out-breaths throughout the day
• The boys need to have a positive experience with minimal stress.

  Subject	Monday	Tuesday Field Trip Day	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday 21 Fall Equinox
  Movement/ Music/ Singing/ Art	Days of the week, months of the year and ABC’s Mark the date on the calendar and write this in their journal along with the weather.	Field Trip Day to RMCS	Days of the week, months of the year and ABC’s Mark the date on the calendar and write this in their journal along with the weather	Days of the week, months of the year and ABC’s Mark the date on the calendar and write this in their journal along with the weather	Days of the week, months of the year and ABC’s Mark the date on the calendar and write this in their journal along with the weather First official day of fall
  Household/ Garden	Cleaning and scrubbing upstairs of the barn.	Packing their lunch for the day	Making a list of what is needed. Boys write this in their journals	Setting up their classroom	Setting up their classroom
  Math	Book Store with Mimi. Plan a budget.	Time leaving, time to get there and # of miles recorded in journal	Writing numbers in journals and dates. How far can you go (where we started from)	Handwriting the number 5	What does five look like. Estimation and creation of groups.
  PE	Baseball at home or at Clay Park	Railroad park after the RMCS	Hiking	Playground and 10am story time	Free Choice
  Science Exploration	Finding Nemo Movie with Mimi.	Bring scooters and hot wheels and a stop watch (you have one on your phone) Race cars down hill and time them. Which one goes the fastest and why?	What does 5 mean. Collect 5 beautiful things from your hike. ID/ define + vocabulary. Press plants for their journal.	D/ define + vocabulary	Fall equinox egg balancing trick http://francesa.phy.cmich.edu/people//osborn/egg1.html
  Writing	Practicing the letter R Big drawings, stories and sidewalk chalk		Practicing the letter R	Make name templates for the “desk” 1st and last. Make letter R wall cards for the barn.	Writing their alphabet in their journal as a starting point. Caps only.
  Thinking of Others and History Planning for the future.	How to plan a birthday party. Boys make a list of who they want to come to their party.		Look at the calendar for dates between the boy’s birthdays.	Call pump it up for available times and cost. Write down details.	Call Mimi and explain the “plan.”
  Reading Done with Mom Practice Sight words daily.	Reading with mom and story time. Aesop's fables	Reading with mom and story time. Aesop's fables	Reading with mom and story time. Aesop's fables	Reading with mom and story time. Aesop's fables	Reading with mom and story time. Aesop's fables
  Screen Time	Movie theater	PBS Kids Word Girl word of the week	PBS Kids Wild Krats	PBS Kids Dino Train	Family Movie Night