Finding the long lost Optimisum

Sorry for the two week absence for those who are still follow along.  A lot has gone on these two weeks, and I am working on developing a filter, other than just writing things on the blog (as not everyone who reads, is here for the right reasons).  For the most part, these past two weeks have left me in a dark, questioning, distrustful place.  This is not a state of mind I deal well with.  I am not, for the most part, a dweller, but the events that have upset me have shaken me once again at my core. 

But, things in life got complicated, and were not the type of issues I could, with good conscious, just bury my head in the sand.  One thing led to another, and choices had to be made, but they were not popular or easy choices.  To some they were "wrong," to others the could have been necessary, and to me, it was the best I could do given the circumstances. 

Ultimately, it left my soul hurting on so many levels.  Once again, I was being backed into a corner of forced indifference.  Regardless, I did not retreat or relent, but was encouraged to so by the powers that be.  It hurt my soul, and it has been hard to bounce back  despite by best intentions of moving on with my life and going about my business. 

On Friday, I was still wound up and I knew I needed to calm my mind.  I tried to pick just one word to focus on to quiet my internal monologue on justice.  I tried, "trust" but the world does not deserve such a word right now.  I tried "calm" but I am frustrated that there is too much calm sometimes about things that don't deserve "calm."  Finally I just asked for "hope" to present itself to me along with "companionship" and finally sleep came. 

Saturday of this week was a busy one for our family.  My husband and I own a business "The Backyard Pantry" where we build and install ready to plant raised garden beds.  This weekend, we decided to work a huge festival as part of the Eco-ideas section.  We were swamped the entire day and John has gone back to work a second day. 

I bring this up, because it was invigorating to be affirmed by so many that we are doing something good for the world.  We had people thanking us for creating such a business.  This affirmation is something I have sorely been missing these last few weeks.  Rational or not, I function better, when what I am doing is recognized with insightful deep conversation and acknowledgement of the specifics. 

Then as vendors we went to the VIP party and this is where my prayers were answered and I began to be hauled out of a hole of dispare. I met other decenters, fighters, caring people who were not worried about their popularity but about standing up for what is right.  (I am also not so naive to think that "right" is the same for everyone.)  What was lovely though, was being introduced to new friends from old friends, who could have discourse.  We were not the outcast, or the weird ones, but part of a group who really does have hope for making the world around them better, safer, cleaner. 

So this Sunday, I have found my optimism again.  My goal is to have it last throughout the week, or at least to remember this feeling when I feel like I am slipping back into a place of pessimism about the world around me. 

What have I done with this day?  Well, I have roasted pumpkins, make soup stock, cooked spinach pie (made with our kale) preserved part of the 10 gallons of pecans John and the boys picked the other day, made two loaves of apple bread, prepared the home school notebook for John for the week, and spent wonderful time with my growing little boys.  Tomorrow I shift into looking after the minds of my 100+ students and I hope I sever them well, with honor, with passion and compassion.