Kicking it into the Finish Line

As a long distance runner in middle school I used to have this internal rationalizing conversation during cross country races:

Me to Self:  "If I run fast, I will have a lot of pain, but I will get it over with quicker."
After a few minutes of running faster
Self to Me:  "If I run this slower it will not hurt has bad , but it will hurt for longer." 
I would run slower for a few minutes then I would repeat the conversation. 

I later learned that I was a much better 100 M hurdle runner of focus on one fast approaching obstacle, get over it, then move to the next one without much if any thinking/rationalizing time. 

One thing though with running was consistent, you always dumped all the energy and speed you could muster when you got close to the finish line.  Kicking it in, was what we called it. 

Here I find myself at the end of the school year having a similar dialog.  We had a three day weekend and I worked for our business three of the three days.  It was hard to drag myself out of bed.  I still had lingering bitterness from last week and I will admit I came into today just wanting to "get it over with."  Before you think "Karon, you idiot why are you saying such things on a public blog." 

Here is why.  It did not take long for me to get over my whiny self and remember why I teach and specifically why I teach middle school kids.  So many people look at me like I am an alien when I tell them that I enjoy working with kids in the awkward years.  To make a long and private story short, I had a kid this morning who was having a really bad day.  I had gotten the rest of the class on track with their assignment and I was able to give him the time and attention he desperately needed.  I was able to confide in him that I taught middle school because I wanted to be there for all the kids that were like me (the miss fits.)  He was shocked to find out I was considered weird, outcast, unpopular in middle school.  I explained that early adolencenc is not kind to those who do not conform or fit in, but assured him that he can be his own person and love that person when those around him are critical of him. 

Situations like this came up over and over again today.  Kids who are hurting, who still need me.  Maybe they are not really paying attention to the moon and tide graphs we are making.  Maybe they need something quite different from the adults in their life today and for the rest of the school year.  I am glad I was able to wake up, find some energy reserve and remember why it is I am here in front of these kids today, here and now.  So while I am looking forward to summer and only doing two full time jobs rather than three, I will take the time to cherish the creatures that are with me now, for all too soon I will be letting them go and wishing them their best. 

Never Enough

I consider myself to be a very professional person.  I also consider myself to be an attentive passionate mother.  I still have a few hobbies that let me be creative and personal like gardening and cooking.  I assist in the running of our business, The Backyard Pantry.  I also don't like to do things half a$$.  Don't get me wrong.  It does not need to be perfect in every way, but I am not a slacker and I take each of these jobs very seriously (OK not so much the gardening part.) 

Well today was one of those days were being split too many ways just made me feel less than enough. 

Let me back up a bit so that when I slingshot you, dear reader, into my rant, it will make more sense.  Basicaly this time of year as a teacher makes me nervous and insecure for a variety of reasons.


 My son Isaac had surgery this morning.  I was planning on taking Emerson to school , so that John only had one child with him at the hospital.  I can't take Isaac because I have just now payed off all my borrowed sick leave from taking off to be with Isaac last year when he came home.  So, now I can't take Emerson to school or be with Isaac during his surgery.  Looser Mom of the Year. 

This morning probably would have been hilarious for someone to watch (other than for me.)  We loaded both boys in the car a 5:30 am  in their PJ's and 1/2 asleep.  I packed food for everyone to have at some point this morning.  Then John pulls out, my mom calls and I tell her that I have packed everyone food, then I see it on the counter.  I hang up, John reverses back home (it is now 5:50) and leaves again with the food.  I finish getting ready.  Now I have to somehow get the chicken out of the coop so that I can put the dog in the coop (the reason why is way too long of a story.)  This was the ridiculous part of the chicken not wanting to leave and the dog not wanting to go in.  Force was involved and neither animal was happy.  I am sure that they conspired for hours on how to switch positions. 

Then I am off to work.  I frantically set up for a lab today while also planning on having an important meeting.    We meet.  It is brief and overall it is good except I got neggative feedback for taking "too many days off"  3.5 sick to be exact and 1 personal.

Today this was especially madding to me.  Here I am, I have ticked off the dog and the chicken, sent my poor husband with both kids to Children's.  Neglected to take one son to school and therapy while neglecting to take the other son to his surgery.  Not to mention that I miss every morning with them so I can get to work at 6:00 to prep and grade and spend time with some of my students who need the extra help in the morning.  So to get dinged on this, just felt like a big old slap in the face.  I then mentioned that in the three years I have been here that I have only taken one personal day in three years and 3.5 sick days in three years.  All three days were for my sons never for deal old me.

  I didn't realize that my all would just not be enough for anyone. 

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Happy Metcha Day Emerson!

Friday, April 20, 2007

It is a malenke malchick!!!

We are proud to announce that we are soon to be the proud new parents of a very tiny little boy. He was born September 30th 2006 and he is absolutely adorable. He was the second child they brought in and we both knew the second we saw him. We both held him and he laughed and hopped around and just kept looking at us. We played with him until they took him away. They brought in two more children that were each two years old. While they were adorable they just did not feel right.

After meeting him our hearts were so happy knowing that it was so easy to meet the right child and just know. Then we got to hop on the emotional roller coaster. As we were rejoicing the social worker made a few phone calls and then it was announced that this boy would not be available until May 9th. Our hearts crashed as we did not understand what this meant. We were then told that while she filed the paperwork more than 6 months ago they did not file it right away in the capitol. So we made a very difficult choice which is to start unofficial visitation on Monday until May 9th. We will not be able to start our official visitation until May 9th and court will be a few weeks after this.

We have said from the beginning that we would do what we felt was right not what was easy. When John and I got married we vowed (for some very bizarre reason) to always keep our lives adventures. Right now we have many details to work out this weekend to figure out our extended stay.

We are sad that we can not visit him until Monday but the baby house does not have heat in the room we will use for visitations. This should be fixed by Monday. We love hearing from all of you.

5 years ago today

It is hard to believe it has been 5 years since we set foot in Almaty Kazakhstan.  It is even more hard to believe that we had not met Emerson yet, or had our lives forever changed.  Here is what I wrote them:

Wednesday, April 18, 2007


Hello From Almaty Kazakhstan

Well we have made it safely to Kazakhstan and all went well in our travels. The flights to Germany all went very well and were quite uneventful. In Germany we had to get boarding passes for our flight on Lufthansa. This took about 1.5 hours but hey what else did we have to do there but hang out in line. I did buy one thing there which was a $4 bottle of water. oh yea. After that everything seemed much less appealing. People in Germany were super friendly and it amazes me that many people we met spoke English well. I still find it a bit embarrassing that Americans don't typically know another language.

The flight from Chicago to Germany was a bit rough we spent a lot of time generating static electricity and not so much time sleeping. We then had another night of flying into Kazakhstan on a brand new Lufthansa plane. great service!
When we got off of the plane in Almaty I saw a family with these adorable children that appeared to be from Ireland. I thought about it a while and realized that this family looked a lot like my Aunt Stephie's friend Kate. I went on a hunch and the bravery that 14 hours of jet lag can create and asked her husband (as she had taken off by this point) if his wife's name was Kate, and did her mom live in the San Fransisco area. Sure enough we now have friends and contacts in Almaty:) We are planning on meeting up with them on our way back through.
We are staying in an apartment. Mom and Sharron I will e-mail you with the phone number. We have been searching for the grocery store for quite some time, but we stumbled upon the Internet cafe so I have not managed to get a calling card yet. At the cafe I began to become very thankful that I sacrificed my NPR for the last year to learn Russian. We managed to buy breakfast, tea, get on the Internet and hopefully get good directions to the grocery store. All directions seem to say walk straight for three blocks. I would feel better about this if this was not the third time we were told to walk three blocks. Who knows we might end up back at our apartment without any groceries and many calories burned.

Also to traveling families, make sure if you are arriving in the middle of the night that you get a bottle of water on the plane. We arrived in the middle of the night and the stores were closed. We have been boiling water for 10 minutes hoping that we will not regret this in a few days. Also the city does not have hot water so I had John to wash my hair like Robert Redford washed Meryl Street's hair in Out of Africa. Ah all of my dreams are coming true.


Speaking of, we will head to Uralsk very early tomorrow and hopefully we will have met our child by tomorrow night.



Much love to our faithful fan club:)

The Glass Jar must be Half Full

Our dear sweet Isaac, sadly did not come to us this way.  He came to us bitter, scared (emotionally and physically), starved for both food and attention, and deprived of sensory experiences most notably unconditional love.  This is not his fault, it is not his birth parent's fault, it is not even the orphanages fault or the family that he first lived with.  It was a recipe of "not enough" that created a deep void in my little boy that is deep. 

I have been learning a lot about trauma, neglect, deprivation.  I will be honest, I do a lot of the research because of Emerson (not because his story is harder, it's not, but because he is more screaming out for attention and help, his pain is extroverted and outward.)  As I learn and apply my new found skills with Emerson, my senses are heightened and I see a very different manifestation of pain with Isaac. 

Isaac has overcome a lot from his rough beginnings, but the one that seems to still cling to his mentality is hunger.  The reality of nearly starving to death is not something Isaac could consciously explain to someone.  He did not have words then, and thus he expresses this fear and trauma in the same emotional state he was in during his hungriest years 1.5-3.5. 

I am learning the trauma is cyclical, and it can flare up with time, season, associations, smells, sensations that trigger a memory or emotion.  We are in a phase of this fear of huger driving my little ones emotions, decisions and reactions. 

Here are some examples of how the perceived fear of huger has manifested recently:

• At school a few weeks ago they made fruit loop rainbows.  At home, he ate his rainbow, the paper and the glue.  Food is not a toy for him.
• At school they dyed Easter eggs, then the teacher hid them.  He found them, peeled them (thank goodness), then ate all the ones he found.  Food is not a hide and seek game to him.
• At the playground the other day he was as happy as he could be.  We ran out of snacks, he wanted to go instantly. 
• At the coffee shop we go to some Saturday's John would not let Isaac gets some chips because they cost too much.  He literally sobbed and tantrum ed like the end of the world was coming.  He never came out of the mood for the rest of the day.
• When he doesn't like something for dinner, he eats it anyway because he knows food is a tool and fuel.
• When he finds snap peas or strawberries in the garden, he claps with glee and eats it right off the vine.
• Our chicken is cooler to him than the puppy because the chicken lays eggs, which are his favorite food.
• The other day in the kitchen he broke down sobbing telling me that I didn't love him anymore.  It was out of the blue and he was looking behind me at something.  Behind me was the glass jar that normally has walnuts in it (his favorite snack) was almost empty.  When I noticed this, and had him help me refill it, his mood was back to cherry. 

These are just small little things, but they put us all on high alert for something that would not mean much to others.  I seriously am thrilled when he leaves food on his plate or doesn't ask for 3rds.  It helps me believe that he is healing. 

What we are doing new though is putting all the snacks in glass jars on the counter that he can have.  There is now a "blue worry line" of tape.  When the goodies get down to the line, he can ask for it to be refiled.  Just one more small piece of security for our sweet little boy. 

The Power of Puppy Love, in honor of Ghunsa

For years my husband and I lived in rural Eastern Oregon.  When I mean rural, I mean edge of the Earth sort of place.  We lived in a town of 120 people with two major wilderness areas to the south, a national park to the west, and huge ranches all around us (one as large as 55,000 acres)  One of the big jokes there was; "You know you are at an Eastern Oregon party when their are more dogs than people." 

Animals were a way of life out there, and our little family of me, John and Ghunsa (the trusty black lab and my first child/doger) were no exception to the rule.  It was a place where Dogs always went with you, and usually you knew a persons dog's name before you knew the humans name.  Dogs were working animals, part of the family and a way to bear the sometimes insane isolation in the winter.  It was necessary to have a companion, a listener, a cuddlier, a noise maker, and a partner, when faced with weeks on end without seeing or talking to another person that the ones you live with. 

Sadly, five years ago today, our beloved Ghunsa left us.  With that, I had a hole within me that was a void of un imaginable proportions.  Yes, we adopted Emerson shortly there after, but as we all know, people and dogs love very differently. 

Fast forward five insane years to this week.  When John and I got married, (take note here soon to be married folks,) we included in our vows to constantly embrace life as an adventure (we also had our dog as the ring bearer).  You know when they say be careful what you wish for....  Boring has not really been an adjective to describe our life. 

Now we have two amazing human boys, one chicken, one cat, 200 square feet of gardening space, a business, we have moved to the opposite corner of the country, and now we have a puppy. 

What I am finding interesting though is how people react in this corner of the country to the news of the new puppy.  It usually goes like this:

me:  "We got a new puppy this weekend!"
Public:  "What are you nuts?  Don't you know that is like adding another child in your life."
Me:  "Yes, but this child will not go to college and I didn't have to complete  a home study or dossier to adopt him."
other person:  "What kind of dog?"
Me:  "A wimeraner."
other person "Oh, they are wild" or "they get big"

This is where I realize once again I don't fit in.  I am pretty sure I am more excited about the puppy than the boys.  But, I don't get this, a dog is a burden mentality of the South.  Oh well, I always have marched to my own beat and loved and explored in different ways from others.  At least now, I get to do it with my two little men and a puppy at my heals, heading off to find the next adventure life holds. 

I miss you Ghunsa, and Finn, welcome to the family. 

Here is my blog post from 5 years ago today: 

Wednesday, April 11, 2007


Losing our best friend





September 22nd 1996 I adopted my first “baby.” She was between two and five years old and in need of a good home and was already on home number three when we met. I can still remember her shy disposition as she sat there snapping at flies as they buzzed around her head. I had spend weeks looking for the dog that was to be mine. Ghunsa was mentioned on a flyer at the pound and somehow I knew she would be my dog. I called the number for two weeks as I looked at dog after dog. I found out later that her owners were out of town and when they called me back they had already given her away. I was devastated and went on a limb and asked them to call me if the person happened to change their mind. Well they did, Ghunsa did not like them and she let it be know. Because of this failed attempt at finding her a home Tina (her owner) wanted me to visit her for two weeks to get to know her. I knew from day one when we ran down to the river and went swimming together.

For 11 years she has been my constant companion and has grown to love John. She had to earn his trust and love, but did so after finding our camp for us in White Sands National Monument in the dark. She was the ring bearer in our wedding and has for all intensive purposes has been our first child.



Today was one of the hardest days of our lives as we said good buy to our loyal friend and companion forever. She will be missed and we hope that she will be watching over us on our trip as our ever present guard dog.

Our 3rd and maybe final adoption

Yup, we did it.  I have always said that when the boys were five and about to go into Kindergarten that we would get a dog.  The situation worked out well and now we have a puppy... Huck "Finn" McMissile You can probably see where some parent and little boy compromising went on with the name.  He is such a delight to have in our family, and it is so much fun watching the boys learn how to bond with their newest little brother (who won't be little for long.)

Greener Grass

I'll admit it... I get sucked into drama and despair very well.  I can be knocked off my foundation, and I find it difficult to come back to a good place.  When I am in a place of negativity, my instinct is retreats like behavior.  Some people binge, some go for retail therapy, some search for new jobs, or new partners.  Not me.  I find myself thinking all of my problems would go away if I was a homeschooling mom living in a yurt in Mongolia or Kazakhstan herding reindeer never to be bothered with civilization again.  Far fetched I know, but for those who know us in real life, you can probably picture us doing this. 

With that said, I recognize that I am playing the Grass is Greener game.  Not a good one to play, and it just isn't true (especially in the case of Mongolia.)  Regardless though I have found myself in the midst of a pity party.  It all started with the maddening conference I had last week.  Also we have had some issues with the boys going back to school after break.  Emerson is a mess on so many levels from his sensory issues.  The more I learn, the hungrier I am for more tools to help him, and the more aware I am of his needs.  While Isaac has come so far in so many areas he has had two recent situations where food has been involved with art projects at school, and then he ate them, because, well food is not a toy to him it is food.  I have also been the recipient of numerous nasty grams and it just wears on you.  I poor my heart and soul into my students, my kids, and my garden (at least that is all going well) so when I am getting negative feed back time and time again, I take it to heart. 

Sometime Wednesday afternoon I had a switch of heart.  I had one of those aha moments that allowed me to shift from poor me, to "be the change" mode.  One of the things that prepped me for the shift was a wonderful conversation with my sister.  She pointed out that praise comes from my kids and students in many different ways.  And, that actually, my parents of students really were giving me positive feedback when I read their reflections of their child's work.  My good friend and fellow teacher Ann Marie gave me the book What Teachers Make
 Written by this guy.  The real kicker though was looking at my leader, and seeing that she was in a similar place as I was.  I was looking to her to lift me up, but I realized that, that expectation is not always fair.  Those of us who have the strength to lift each other up, need to do it, despite our level of power or influence. 

So this morning I took the time to water the grass of pride and beauty, rather than the one of pity and sorrow.  Pointing out the bad, is like picking the low hanging fruit.  It is too easy and is a cop out.  When I took the time to share the beauty of what I get to see, it brightens that part of the world and the bad is diminishing, not just because I am ignoring it, but because I am leading people (hopeful) to a place where they can find the beauty in themselves.

Keep the brains, change the culture

There is a lot of talk on a day to day basis from lots of people about how to best teach our kids.  There is talk from politicians, doctors, lawyers, school boards with little educational experience beyond being a student.  Now this does not exclude these folks from having an opinion and certainly can be useful.  What is more upsetting though, is the lack of the people with power, rarely asking the people on the front lines what changes needs to really be made so that learning occurs. 

The other day I held a class meeting with my reading students.  They are a bright bunch of kids.  Probably one of the most articulate group I have had, coupled with the ability to look at issues or concepts from several different angels.  Our discussions have depth, meaning, disagreements, consensus, and are thought provoking.  We always are caught by the bell and the kids groan when it is over.  So the other day their attitude and depth was a normal occurrence for my students, during reading. 

The question I posed to them was, "What do you find challenging about sharing your true opinion?"  Boy, I got some real answers, mainly because they feel very safe in my room during reading with each other.  The bright, with the bright.  Ultimately the expressed in many different ways that did not feel like they could express their opinion in their other classes, because the other kids would bully them, make fun of them, or just not even be willing to think through a complex idea.  Other students expressed that their peers typically have made up their mind and become emotional before a discussion even really begins, so they have stopped trying.  MY STUDENTS ARE 6th GRADERS. 

Then there was the topper, the culminating theme of the discussion.  They said, "Look, we realize that our school does not have many minorities.  We are mostly Christian, mostly white, mostly well to do, but being smart is a minority, and we are bullied constantly for our brains." 

We are a school.  Our job is to make them smarter, but our school culture does not value their brilliance.  Oh dear.  Why do we have pep-a-rallies honoring our athletic teams, touting our cheerleaders, kids who pay happily to see a football game, but kids are ashamed to me on the scholars bowl team, or participate in the science Olympiad. 

This cultural flaw in schools and in daily society is the first change we must make in this country, if we want to join the ranks of the smart nations of this world.  Even if you don't want to join those countries, what about doing it so some 6th grader does not already feel like they must sensor their ideas so they don't get shut down by the loud popular bully that sets the standard for our cultural norms. 

Caring for Introverts

Seeing as our family is 3/4 Extrovert and 1/4 Introvert, I am finding it important to learn and care for the minority in my home and in my classroom.  Thanks to my wonderful brother-in-law, now have some practical ways to care for this very important group.