The Glass Jar must be Half Full

Our dear sweet Isaac, sadly did not come to us this way.  He came to us bitter, scared (emotionally and physically), starved for both food and attention, and deprived of sensory experiences most notably unconditional love.  This is not his fault, it is not his birth parent's fault, it is not even the orphanages fault or the family that he first lived with.  It was a recipe of "not enough" that created a deep void in my little boy that is deep. 

I have been learning a lot about trauma, neglect, deprivation.  I will be honest, I do a lot of the research because of Emerson (not because his story is harder, it's not, but because he is more screaming out for attention and help, his pain is extroverted and outward.)  As I learn and apply my new found skills with Emerson, my senses are heightened and I see a very different manifestation of pain with Isaac. 

Isaac has overcome a lot from his rough beginnings, but the one that seems to still cling to his mentality is hunger.  The reality of nearly starving to death is not something Isaac could consciously explain to someone.  He did not have words then, and thus he expresses this fear and trauma in the same emotional state he was in during his hungriest years 1.5-3.5. 

I am learning the trauma is cyclical, and it can flare up with time, season, associations, smells, sensations that trigger a memory or emotion.  We are in a phase of this fear of huger driving my little ones emotions, decisions and reactions. 

Here are some examples of how the perceived fear of huger has manifested recently:

• At school a few weeks ago they made fruit loop rainbows.  At home, he ate his rainbow, the paper and the glue.  Food is not a toy for him.
• At school they dyed Easter eggs, then the teacher hid them.  He found them, peeled them (thank goodness), then ate all the ones he found.  Food is not a hide and seek game to him.
• At the playground the other day he was as happy as he could be.  We ran out of snacks, he wanted to go instantly. 
• At the coffee shop we go to some Saturday's John would not let Isaac gets some chips because they cost too much.  He literally sobbed and tantrum ed like the end of the world was coming.  He never came out of the mood for the rest of the day.
• When he doesn't like something for dinner, he eats it anyway because he knows food is a tool and fuel.
• When he finds snap peas or strawberries in the garden, he claps with glee and eats it right off the vine.
• Our chicken is cooler to him than the puppy because the chicken lays eggs, which are his favorite food.
• The other day in the kitchen he broke down sobbing telling me that I didn't love him anymore.  It was out of the blue and he was looking behind me at something.  Behind me was the glass jar that normally has walnuts in it (his favorite snack) was almost empty.  When I noticed this, and had him help me refill it, his mood was back to cherry. 

These are just small little things, but they put us all on high alert for something that would not mean much to others.  I seriously am thrilled when he leaves food on his plate or doesn't ask for 3rds.  It helps me believe that he is healing. 

What we are doing new though is putting all the snacks in glass jars on the counter that he can have.  There is now a "blue worry line" of tape.  When the goodies get down to the line, he can ask for it to be refiled.  Just one more small piece of security for our sweet little boy.