This is a question adoptive parents ask a lot. Maybe more so than those who have both bio and adopted children. Now that we have managed to work through many of the glaring issues we are seeing more and more of our new little man. Many of his personality traits are just that, him. Some though cause me concern. When I mention this outside of the adoption community I get, "well all kids go through that, or my kid does that." Then I talk to others with kids who were born with a cleft pallet and I find that there is a set of characteristic behavior these kids all have in common. When I talk to the adopting community I here words and phrases like Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
Then add to all of that being 3 with very limited communication skills with only 4 months of having someone even listen to you and only 2 months of hearing what anyone is saying.
Writing this helps me see it is all a combination of things that creates this perfect storm.
Don't get me wrong, life is not a total storm with Isaac, but it is definitely filled with warm and cold fronts, high and low pressure areas. The problem is we have not found the key to interpreting his temperaments.
This past Thursday and Saturday I found myself very worried for him. Here are the things that concern me:
1. Hugs are on his terms. If I approach for one 60% of the time I am pushed away. He still likes them, but he must initiate. The other 40% no big deal if I sneak one in.
2. He answers "No" to almost verything first, then turns around and ask for the same thing after he just told you "No." Can we say opposite world?
3. Seriously pout behavior that is not fun to be around. You know someone like this. Everyone is having fun laughing and playing and there is the one kid in the corner who just won't join in and has a scowl on their face. He can snap out of it but it takes a ton of work on our part.
4. Night Terrors. For those who have not experienced one as a parent, count yourself as very lucky. There are terrifying. If he is off schedule with sleep, or if he falls asleep anywhere other than his bed, all hell is going to break loose when he "wakes up." He is not the same person and he can cry hysterically without consolation for up to 45 minutes.
5. Playing dumb despite major consequences. John and I have very few rules. One is that both boys must ask "May I get down please" after meals. Both boys know it and have said it 100's of times. For some reason Isaac will just refuse or play dumb when it comes time to do this.
Ok E is up now so I must go.
I know what you mean about over-analyzing things. I didn't do much of that with Miras as he transitioned and bonded very fast. Irina, being older and "high risk", has us wondering about some of her odd behaviors. While she is doing really well and surprises us still with her abilities to do age-appropriate things, she is still quite quirky (people will look at her oddly) and still quite "young acting" (people will act surprised to learn that she is 19 mos). Lately she seems to have regressed in some communication skills and will hide/have a tantrum/bang her head against the wall or throw herself on the floor when I ask her to communicate with me ("tell Mommy 'more'" for example). Daddy has better luck getting an appropriate response. So what is this? Something to be concerned about? A sign of autism? A sign of not bonding with Mama? Or just one of those developmental hiccups/regressions that seem to happen just before kids make a leap forward? I guess time will tell but I am all for nipping alarming behaviors (like a 3YO's need to control and do things - especially give and receive affection - only on his terms) in the bud earlier rather than later. But where do you draw the line on overreacting? In any case, I am continuing to be persistent with encouraging Irina to communicate with us (she's not talking yet). And I'm waiting for at least 6 mos post-homecoming before I over-react to give her the time she needs. You have good instincts about these things and, while I has only been home a short while, you know him better than anyone. So I'm sure that you'll do the right thing by him.
ReplyDeletep.s. Now that you have me thinking about this, I may just post my comment on our blog too!
ReplyDeleteso loved spending the day with all of you. I thought Isaac did great and love that Krissy got some really good photos of him. Emerson is always my charmer. We really shouldn't let so much time pass before we get together again.
ReplyDelete