A shift in attitude

I will be honest, (when have I not been on this blog) things have been rought this last week and a half. John and I closed on the house then our to do list hit us a like a ton of bricks. Ulitimately it comes down to the basics for the chore list: John is really good at fising, preping and painting houses. I am on maternity leave to get to spend time with Isaac and get to know him. So I have been spending every non-school moment alone with the boys. To say it has been trying is an understatment. I will say I have the utmost respect and adoration for single parents. I have no idea how they do it.

As a result I have been so streched thin that I don't have enough time or energy to give either of the boys the attention they need. The result is that they find a way to get attention.

Yesterday was Isaa'c bottom for me. During snack time he tells me he needs to go Pee Pee. I help him down and he tells me to stay (this is his way of saying he can do this by himself.) Then he is starts crying out for help from the bathroom. I run in there to help him (all the while Emerson is shouting at the top of his lungs I NEED YOU.) So I put Issaac on the potty and run off the help Emerson finish making smoothies. I run back to the bathroom to help Isaac and he has gotten off the toilet and peed all over the floor.

I am sad to say that I was not loving, patient, compasionate or even nice about this. I was furious. Earlier that day I had to clean all of our floors by hand with a rag because our mop is at the new house, not to mention is was such an offensive way for him to seak attention. I grabed a wash cloth, washed him off threw dry shorts on him and put him to bed. I just needed to be away from him.

One of Isaac's quirks is that he can not stand to be in wet clothes (he will tolerate a swim suit.) He absoultly freaks out if even a drop of moisture gets on his clothes and demands to be changed. So here he has gotten him self wet with his own unrin and I wet him down further and uncerimouniosly put him to bed.

Isaac went into a place I have rarely seen him. He lost it. He hit the wall, he took apart his room, he kicked the door (mind you it has not knob so he could have easily just come out of his room.) he screamed he sobbed. I calmly finished feeding Emerson then put him down for a nap.

When I calmed down I went in Isaac's room, picked him up ans sat in the rocking chair with him. To say he was in a state of uncontroled hystarics would be putting it lightly. I stayed with him for 20 minutes and he never stoped sobbing. It was almost as if he was somewhere else.

What saddens me is that I have no idea about the first 3.5 years of his life. I don't know what those scared eyes have seen, why he has scars all over his hips, why there was such pain in his eyes as he cried tears reserved only for the pain one should know as an adult.

For me it was a wake up call. Yes we are busy, yes I am exausted, and yes we made a choice to parent these two boys. We knew Isaac had some issues, we know this is all really scary to him, we know he is testing the limits, we know that he is really more like an 18 month old in his reasoning and comprehension than a 3 year old. So now it is time for a shift in attitude. It is my job to love him through this, to have some humor, to find a lost reserve of patience and do the hard job of parenting him through this.