Last night we went to our monthly international adoption meeting. It is always a nice night of the month because it is the time when our family is not different, we get to be with others who get it, and all the families don't "match." What I also appreciate is that for one hour a month, our kids go and play with other adopted kids, while we meet with other parents and discuss, learn about, problem solve and express the issues that come up with our kids. The reality is that raising adopted kids is different that biological kids who are raised from the beginning in loving families. With our group we specifically address the issues of multi-cultural and trans racial adoptions. Also most of us adopted our children when they were not infants, so like it or not we have the "baggage", trauma, neglect, malnourishment, and multiple transitions to add on to the challenges of parenting.
Last night I was still in a mode of reflecting upon Isaac's episode on Sunday with the pee on the floor and the state he went into after I caught him. We have been watching a series called "Adopted" and the DVD has these little mini lessons that we watch and discuss. Fortunately for me the topic was about the impacts of institutionalized life on a child's development, emotional expressions, ability to process sensory information, and nourishment. It also talked about how many kids will show signs of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder.) The psychologist said with these kids it is not the same because it is rarely one big event that triggers a PTSD episode, rather a feeling, a sensory experience, lack of choice ect. Isaac definitely has water triggers. He used to hate swimming and the bath. I feel we have conquered these fears. We have taught him that water can be fun. Yet when he gets water on his clothes it can set him off. Not always, but unpredictable times.
It was affirmation mostly of the new approach we are taking. Patience, cheering him on through the frustration, and loads of attention. I have both boys IEP meetings on Friday and I will see how school can support him as well.
What it boils down to is that kids do not come out of being in an institution without some scars with out some grief to process. It was said well with "Adoptoin stories never have a happy beginig." As adopted parents this is something we always need to have in the back of our head, it is something that is there whether we like it or not. Our children have grief they need to learn and be aloud to process. They are both too yong to totaly get it, but Emerson is starting to realize that his family is different from others. We have tough questions to answer ahead of us and for some of the questions we have some really lousy answers.
Glad that you have a support group who gets it. I wish we had a stronger one here. In fact, I was just describing to some co-workers that while we don't have the sleepless nights and work of a newborn, we have sleepless nights and work of dealing with the baggage that a toddler brings with them. Learning about them - and coping with this baggage and its effects - is one of the most fascinating/rewarding and also frustrating parts of becoming an adoptive parent.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like the adoption meeting is just what the Dr. ordered! It is a relief to be in the company of others that have "been there". Even though you may have lousy answers to some questions you most definitely have wonderful answers to some as well. As for the pillow fight.. well thanks for the idea! I haven't done it since I was a kid.
ReplyDeletejust remember that both the boys are God's gift to you as special parents who have that bottomless barrel of love to give.
ReplyDeleteParenting adoptees is never easy, but the love washes over all the rough spots and the same God who gave you to these precious beings will also give you all the tools needed to make them and your life with them full of joy and geat accomplishment!
We are all for you!