Fight or Flight

By nature I am a take flight sort of person.  I am not big on confrontation, or pointing out other people's faults, short comings, or what appears to be wrong from my point of view.  Granted in the South, I apparently am still considered a fighter because I dare blog or question. Survival wise, that leaves me with the option of running.  For years I was a runner (literally.)  Then I headed out West to start a-new, and I ran figuratively from one exciting adventure to the next.  When life became to routine or mundane, or just plain wrong, I could pack my two boxes of stuff, throw it into my jeep and flee. 

The beauty of this lifestyle was shallowness along with a sense of refreshing adventure.  Everything is so crisp and exciting when it is new.  You don't yet know the intricacies, the gossip, the bullies, the politics of a place, and for a flee-er, this is grand.  But as time goes on, you become close to someone, or you observe something over and over again.  You are smart enough to recognise a cultural pattern.  Up jump the values, the endorphins, the conscious being, which start to flinch with the imperfection of a place. 

I have lived in enough places (4 countries, 9 states) to know that no place is perfect.  This too is the curse of the fleer.  You know that you will get the initial rush of newness, only to be slammed in the face with the mundane jadedness of daily life once the dust has settled on your new dwelling. 

Right now, (if you could not tell by the tone of the post) I am in a melancholy place.  Don't worry AL family and co workers I am not packing or on the run again.  We are locked in place for a while.  Not to mention that my body has made it clear that I am no longer to be a runner.  It has made it clear by breaking the very fiber of my being one joint at a time. 

So now what?  I am currently in the middle (of what for me) is a very frighting place.  I know that I see the world differently than those around me.  I don't long for simple or convenient.  I don't crave popularity and busyness, or events and adrenaline.  I am a literalist and a globalist, yet I strive for self sufficiency and sustainability. 

There is nothing in particular that has put me in this current mood.  I think that is why it is affecting me so profoundly.  I feel as though I am square peg, in a round hole world.  What is sad for me, is that I cannot, for the first time in my life, picture what it is that would feel right.  Maybe this is a result of the complexity of raising two very unique boys.  Maybe it is because my husband is a fighter, who will, and does stand up for what is just (in his mind.)  Maybe it is due to loneliness of the soul, with a lack of time and energy to spend with kindred spirits.  Maybe it is that my filter for injustice has become weekend due to the events that led us to home-school our boys (even though I know with all of my heart that this is the right thing to do). 

What ever it is, my soul is aching and feels alone and lost right now.  I feel fragile.  I wish that I was an innate fighter.  I know that I am no longer physically capable of being a runner.  Unfortunately, this leaves me feeling like I have joined the indifferent.  To my soul, there could be no greater insult.