I have found myself asking more questions these last few days than any other form of thought. I have questioned my sanity, my recollection of events, my perception of my children and their experiences. I have questioned whether I made a mistake in saying "yes" to too big of a job. I have questioned if God made a mistake in letting us be our boys parents. Weren't they meant to be with someone more spiritual, nurturing, wealthy, living somewhere different, with better access to therapies, someone better equip?
I am by nature, by culture and by profession a questioner. When presented with a problem, I first ask questions. Many, many questions. Some are stupid, some might be rude, some insightful, some that we lead me to the answer, some will lead me to a dead end, and often they will lead me to another question. What I have found helpful, through this blog, is that I have been able to blurt my questions, fears, thoughts to a group (of mostly) people who could help narrow my impassioned look at a subject my heart was too close to, and to help my head see the next step to take.
Now I am at a very new crossroads. My ultimate purpose and core values are still present to help guide me. When I run through the "What do I do now?" scenarios I can fall back on my main job as a parent is to keep my boys safe. My main job as a professional is "To create a safe, supportive, and challenging academic environment that creates life long learners." My two core values also tell me 1: Every child deserves a safe and loving family, and 2. All children deserve a quality equitable education that empowers them to fulfill their dreams and make the world a better place.
Rarely have I found myself in such a quandary where these values and purposes have caused me such heart ache. Logically the decisions I must make are clear. My number one job is to keep my boys safe. I have read enough about PTSD and RAD today to affirm that I am not alone, or crazy, or delusional. I have held my children through enough night terrors and meltdowns to know that they do not feel safe. If my core value is that all kids deserve a safe loving family, then I must change the situation.
Yes, it will be complicated. We will possibly need to sacrifice money and time that we don't have any extra of? Will it ask us to do much more with less? Will it put me in an awkward situation? The answer to all of these questions is a resounding YES! And, so what. We made some huge choices to bring our broken kids into our little world. We did not do it to be comfortable, or popular. So now, we must stick with them, our hearts, our intuition and our core beliefs. This upcoming week will create many more questions, but hopefully, a few needed answers will come our way as well.
You are tenacious, courageous, intelligent, and level headed. These traits will lead you to better the lives of those adorable boys that you have taken under your wings. Due to your professional experience and your intimate knowledge of their circumstances there is no one that knows better what is best for them but YOU! Stay strong and know that what you ask for is what is right for them. No, it won't be easy but you will do it because you are wonderful people and parents! Hugs to you all!!! Amy and Kendall
ReplyDeleteThanks for the words of encoragement.
DeleteFrom earlier posts about kindergarten I'm guessing the school is absolutely in denial about the boys' needs and are stonewalling you about how to best support them.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to know that the first weeks of school have been so hard on the boys and to you and John. This is not the way school should be. I watch how students in my school are treated and how their parents are ignored or their concerns brushed aside and I'm ashamed. The school I'm at is not a healthy work or learning environment and I'm sad to say that, after just a week of this school year I've already decided that I will be moving next year to a new school.
It is hard when the right decision is not the comfortable decision. But once you have made that decision and acted on it, I believe the discomfort passes because moving forward will take all your energy and it will be focused where it belongs, in helping your sons be successful.
Oh those questions! and the BIG one, the same exact big one I ask myself... am I the right person for the job? does he(they) need more than me? someone with the resources to do it all? It is the toughest question of all and one that I ask myself often. Then the others... can we get by with less? It has been a struggle for us as well. It seems we either have the time and no money to put into therapy or we have the money and not time to actually go to any kind of therapy. So we get creative, we research, we find a way to get by and do the best we can. In the end will it be enough? We hope so. Just as you do. No, love does not cure all, BUT... it is love for our children that drives us to keep going, to keep researching, to keep being creative, to keep finding a way break down the barriers that stand in the way of healing. In the end it IS our love that will heal our children. Yours and mine. Because we whether we question if we were the right choice for our children or not, we are who they have and we are the ones who do it all... for them.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find a way to get through this sooner rather than later, but I do know you WILL find a way!
Kim your words do me so much good right now. Thank you.
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