I think on of the biggest struggles we still face with Isaac is that I am looking at a 4 almost 5 year old in appearance. I can have a conversation with him about expectations and he can clearly explain to me what they are and why I have such expectations. Yet, when something triggers him, he instantly reverts to 2 year old emotional reactions.
For Example:
Yesterday at the market he fell behind as I am walking quickly to keep up with Emerson. Mind you, I am that person at the farmers market saying, "Emerson wait up, Isaac come on and where the heck did John go?." Anyway, Isaac will first start screeching at the top of his lungs, "Don't leave me, wait for me!." Then he will proceed to crawl through the crowded market on all fours. Once I am standing right next to him, he will scream and cry for me to hold him. He now weights 47 lbs, and I am also carrying all of our food through crowded market. If he was a 2 year old, I might be able to physically do this, or use a stroller or a wagon, or I might not get the crazy lady looks.
The other issue is that when he and Emerson have a disagreement, Isaac's first instinct is to hit, and boy can he hit hard. He can use his words, he does sometimes, and yes there is progress in this area. Unfortunately he will also use his words to drive his brother nuts. "You are a baby, you are Mr. Poopy Pants, I don't like you. Your not really my brother." Emerson then goes bonkers setting Isaac to reaction mode and tears are shed, boys are sent to their rooms while John and I sit there scratching our head.
The other day John and I were at the point of feeling like the most insane parents in the world. We were getting ready to go to San Fransisco, for our first trip in almost 5 years without children. Emerson, a few days before has a massive 1.5 hour melt down because he decided after school that he needed to go to Target right then to buy Misty Island Rescue DVD. When he was told no he lost it. This took a lot of my time that night to say the least.
Well the next morning at 5:15 John walks past the boy's bathroom only to find Isaac standing on the bathroom stool, peeing in the sink and all over the bathroom. I happened to be walking towards our room with the morning coffee. John, understandably was about to loose his cool. I shut the door to the bathroom handed John his coffee and we sat right there on the floor in our own form of time out while Isaac freaked out in the bathroom. After 10 minutes of us talking, drinking coffee and trying to figure out why he would do this, and what we should do about it, we finally came to a decision. We got the mop, some warm soapy water and a rag. John walked in calmly and taught Isaac how to clean the bathroom. I explained to him how pee pee all over the place could make the whole family sick.
I then left for school, feeling worried, feeling lost, wondering if there is enough love to close the gap of 3.5 years of neglect.
Fast forward to the next morning. Isaac comes running up to me to tell me that he just went pee pee in the potty. "Mama I went in the potty, because the sink is where we wash our hands and brush our teeth. Pee pee there could make us all sick."
Progress comes in funny forms for us, but I will take what I can get when I get it.
Wow - it does sound like there are leftover emotional issues. How sad and how frustrating. It sounds like you are handling it the best way possible - not overreacting and letting him take responsibility for his own actions (versus turning it into a power struggle). I wish I could remember that more often! It is a process and takes time and lots of reminders I suppose. Parenting is hard and doesn't really end but I'm sure that Isaac will close the gap over time with your sound parenting. I had lunch yesterday with a girlfriend whose 19 year old is having major anxiety and clinginess issues - probably because she didn't force him to make his own choices and take responsibility for them for his life until now that he is on his own.
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