On Wednesday we finally closed on our house. On Thursday the boys went to school and I put paint samples up on the walls to get a better idea of how the colors I chose would look on the walls. I then went out to lunch with some of my girl friends while John did a delivery of one of his garden beds. All in all it felt like we got some good stuff done on the first day of owning the house and getting to work. Fortunately one of our friends convinced John to not redo the floors or remodel the kitchen before we moved in. So we are not doing anything but painting and cleaning before we move in. Friday we had a friend who cleans houses who was supposed to come over and clean the place so we could get to work. I entertained the boys all morning and we went to the YMCA and the library and had a pretty good morning. My plan then was to come over with the boys to the new house and set them up for a nap in the barn. This was the first place that was going to be cleaned so that they could take a nap while John I decided on colors because he did not like all the work I had done the day before. Needless to say I was extremely frustrated because he would not provide input on the day we needed to look at colors and half heartily agreed to those colors.
My lofty goal was to have the boys take a nap at the new house while John and I made some decisions about colors so that I can buy all of that while he is cleaning. So when I get there he informs me that he had arrived not too long ago, he can't get in touch with the people who were supposed to come clean and that the barn is not ready for the boys to take a nap. OH NO. Our kids need naps and they need them in a certain window of time. So the next two hours John spent cleaning the barn while our children became possessed by the devil. They were mean, cranky, vicious and just not pleasant to be around. At one point when John put Isaac in a time out, Isaac hauled off and threw a rock and hit John in the face with it. I yelled from a distance when I saw John lurching towards him, "Take a deep breath" John sat down counted to 10 and then dealt with Isaac. When I went to put the boys in the tent, Isaac hauled off and punched me in the face. It was John's turn to put me in a time out. We gave up on the naps for a little while and let them play with the hose. This is usually a huge hit, but every time Emerson had the house Isaac cried like a little baby and would hit and scream uncontrollably. I felt like we were back to square one with him. I felt like all communication, impulse control, listening skills all were thrown out the window. It was pure Hell.
I don't know what it is that makes us become so enraged at times with Isaac's behavior. Emerson does just as evil of things at times and for some reason I can ignore it, turn his mood around or I just don't take it so personal. We both feel bad that we do this. It is not fair to Isaac and it just is not fun for us to find our selves in a state of such anger. One thing that does make sense is that Isaac's emotional response is that of a baby, yet when a baby has that response it is over pretty pure needs: hunger, dirty diaper, tired... With Isaac it is over 3 year old desires. I don't want to wear those underpants, I want that toy, I wanted water not milk... For some reason his level of reaction raises our blood pressure through the roof. Add to that trying to get something done and one can forget any chance at human decancy.
Finally we gave up. They won, we definitely were in contention for the worst parents in the world and we decided to leave. No progress was made at the house, not one decision was made but a lot of energy and tears were spent. In fact I thing things at the house were worse. John took the boys home and I went to a local Gyro shop and picked up dinner. We ate and then Emerson and I went over to a neighbors then Isaac and John met us there a few minutes later. It was great to visit with Penny and just have an adult conversation. The best part of the night was the introduction to the best mid-life party game ever. They have a blood pressure machine. She took our base lines and then we played "how high can I get this person's blood pressure" Isaac came in and threw a grand finally screaming crying fit at the end and I won the game. Finally a small bit of success for the day.
The Next Day:
One thing about having a horrible day where you are sure you are the worst at everything you do and your children are the most evil creatures on the face of the Earth is that the bar for a successful day is now very very low.
We did start the morning off on a recklessly busy path. We went to botanical gardens to attempt family pictures with our friend, photographer and fellow Kaz mom Jenny Morgan. The boys had minimal melt downs but there is a reason that families don't have many family pictures once they have two children. Jenny took several hundred pictures. I am guessing that Isaac is eating in 75% of them. Emerson is moving so fast that he is probably blurry in all of them. They never looked or were even facing the same direction. By the end of the shoot I told her I would just be happy with one good picture of each boy and that we could frame them side by side. We shall see. We got home later than expected so I pulled my best WWF wrestling moves to get them down for a nap while John was supposed to be loading up the trailer and I was going to get groceries. Because during the midst of all of this some wonderful friends were throwing me a birthday party on the porch of my new house. So we needed to bring over our patio furniture, grill and fire pit.
When I got home, John had not loaded any of that and I was at my melting down point. He then reminded me it was a party, it is supposed to be fun, we have great friends who know how to have a good time and have really low expectations for fun. The goals for the night were to eat and visit with friends and everything else was not a big deal. I decided right then and there that I had to let go. I helped John get the trailer loaded, I took a short nap and when the boys woke up I went over to the new house.
I also made the decision that happy boys=happy mama. I was going to enjoy my party, let my wonderful friends and family take care of the details and I was going to make sure that my boys had all the attention, food and love they needed. It worked. It helped of course to have a 13:3 ratio of adults to kids. Attention was abound. The boys played with cars, hoses the water table and fire trucks. They ate lots of great food and they had a wonderful time. By 9:30 they even fell asleep in their tent. When all was said and done at midnight we had completed a wonderful day. It was hard to believe they were the same two children who almost drove us to our breaking point the day before. They were cute, cuddly, playful and just down right happy. Their joy and the love that all my friends shared with them and me, was the gratest gift ever.
While we made many steps backwards on Friday, I hope that we at least broke even with Saturday. Now if we can just start moving forward again.
Karon, I know exactly how you feel.
ReplyDeleteIt is not easy out there Karon but you are doing a hell of a good job and what ever you do, NEVER forget that!
ReplyDeleteWishing you a wonderful week filled with more joy and happiness then sorrow:)
I can understand your frustrations with Isaac and empathize. We have higher expectations of older kids than younger kids. In fact, I sometimes have to remind myself that Miras is only 3 so give him a bit of slack. It also helps that we know Miras now very well and behaviors that used to elicit a similar reaction that you described now earns mostly sympathy as most of the time we can directly relate it to lack of food or lack of sleep. So if we can get whichever is needed, the behavior improves markedly. Irina seems to be the same way with a lack of sleep or low blood sugar. She turns into "damien". And she also has her violent side and starts wildly thrashing about - scratching anything close by. I have the gouges to prove it. We are attempting to nip this behavior in the bud. But it is hard to do that without a good sleep cycle. So, my advice is to do exactly what you did - put your needs and the needs of your boys first. And take on the rest of life in smaller bites (or lower your expectations of what will get done). p.s. A game that measures your blood pressure- that's hilarious!
ReplyDeleteYou have been going through so many stressors, new home, and new child in your home. Just one of these would be enough to stress anyone out. Know it only gets easier as time goes on. Kids just have bad days sometimes. Hang in there and know that this is as hard as it will get.
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