He who givith, also taketh away

This is what my brain feels like


Ironically on Emerson's special gotcha day we received terrible news today. Our dossier is being sent back to our agency from the counsolet. We did not make the cut. I am trying to believe that this is not the end, but I have a lot of questions and unfortunately this process is sucking us dry both emotionaly and finacialy, without an end in site. For now I am just plain sad to have been so close, to have had all papers in order and on their way, only to have red tap abruptly wrapped around our hearts and dreams the same day. For us there are so many factors. For those of you who are on this journey you know, for those who our outside of the process here are a few of the variables that are being thrown our way.


The to do list:

1. June 8, FBI prints expire. I have sent for new ones, but my prints take almost 6 months for them to process due to weird hands. $55-60 each time they kick back
2. Our USCIS prints expire September 17th. It takes three months to get new ones but you can't apply for new ones too soon or too late. $180 and a missed day of work for both of us.
3. Our homestudy expires October 20th. To get our first homestudy through AL took from May 12-October 20th. This also took calls from both Senator Sessons and Senator French to get it moving. This will range from $100-$3,500 depending on the new Hague regulations.
4. The lease of our house is up Oct. 1. Do we move when we are re-doing our homestudy? but then we have to redo our financial documents, living documents, house pictures, school information and then get that all translated again. The translation alone is $750, not to mention the cost of each paper, the notary and the appostile
5. Then there is the USCIS paperwork. Kaz is switching to a Hague country which means that the $800 we spent on the I-600A for our I-171H does not mean $h!t. That will be another $1000 to get a I-800A and a whole slew of different paperwork including fingerprint clearance from all states and countries we have lived in since we were 18. This amounts to 23 states and 4 countries between the two of us.
6. Medical reports are only valid for 3 months and BCBS does not believe that physicals for adoptive parents should be covered because, hey our health does not matter because we are not real people. $180.

Then here is the real clincher where pursing an adoption puts me, absurdly, in the same realm as an addictive gambler... There is a legitimate piece of legislation on the table in Kazakhstan that would limit the adoption age of parents to under 45. This comes up for a vote in October. So we could go through all of the previously mentioned steps only to be shut down one month later. OR they bill won't pass and we pray we make it to our child and home before the flaming bureaucratic hoop that we are jumping through moves and sends us going down in a blaze of glory.

I ask my self questions like, one more hand will be all it takes, will Emerson be ok with out a sibbling, will the child we leve survive, or better yet thrive. Will I be able to look at my self in the mirror with a clean concious or will I always know I gave up just before I won the "lottery?"

I know there are some "this could be worse" stories, I know there is something good at the end of this damn tunnel, but for now it just plane feels like the universe has come crashing down.

Monday we will start asking questions and start problem solving. For now we are just sitting on this news in a daze of saddness.