What a weekend we had. I am in a funk right now. Which leads me to working hard and winning the lamest mother of the year award. I am tired, I am coming to the end of a long school year, I am achy, because that is what my body does, and I am lonely.
If one looks at my life from the outside, they would wonder about this last statement. "But you are surrounded by people all day." Yes, but it feels worse to be surrounded without meaning and depth to those interactions. I live in a world of 30 second conversations that are interrupted constantly, and the flow is out of whack, and the demands of others are constantly interjected. I am needed, but I don't feel wanted, and as a result, I feel like running away from it all.
Of course this is not an option, because I am needed, and this weekend was no exception. Saturday we had the farmers market booth to run of the business. Our both was swamped, but I could not really help directly because it is impossible to talk to customers and keep the boys from causing trouble. I took the boys to railroad park where they had a good time, but I had the dog to also watch, so I could not run around the playground with them. Then, I took them to the pool. This was the one time of the day where I felt on purpose. ON task and present for both boys. This is one of my favorite things about swimming with them. I don't have the choice to disassociate when I am overwhelmed.
Emerson is very independent in the pool, which is great because it gave me lots of very sweet time with Isaac. I could hold him, catch him, give him piggy pack rides, and just play without much distraction. BUT, pools close and dinner must eventually be made, so the good time must end. Well, that is when all hell broke lose. When I told Isaac it was time to get out and dry off, he lost it. He raged, he hit, he threw things, he threatened, he cried, he screamed, he head butted, he fought with every fiber of passion he could muster up. As his parent I felt helpless. If I handed him a towel he would hit me with it. If I tried to hold him he would scratch at my face or punch me, it I talked to him, he would scream louder.
Fortunately there was a crowd, which helped me not join in the chaos. I stayed calm (and for this I am proud of myself.) I even laughed at one point when people started staring and I said "I bet you are glad you are not me right now."
Once Emerson and I were dry and I had everything packed up, I calmly explained to Isaac that we needed to go and that I was going to start walking to the car. He is still raging, but I have managed to get him to agree to let me put his shirt and shoes on. Then as soon as we left the pool area, a switch flipped and he was 100% different and well, fine.
It took me until today, and a good talk with my sister to figure this all out. This was a PTSD trauma triggered episode. It has happened before and water is a trigger. He came to us terrified of water, and we thought that now that he loved to swim that this trigger was gone. But NO, this pain and trigger is deep and terrifying for all involved. We have lots of work to do. He is little now, but he will not always be. Looking forward, I will admit I am scared for all of us. Good thing summer is around the corner because I will now have time to go get professional help. It is needed, while he is young, while he is little.
Yet, this morning, he made sure to invite me in his room so that he could tell me he loved me. He gave me a huge hug and a kiss and wished me well for the day. We have made so much progress, yet that is why I think I get blind sided by such extreme traumatic episodes.
I was thinking about you & yours yesterday & wishing you all well. I'm glad to read this post this morning. I hate to sound trite or cliche-ish, but my first responses were "bless her heart" and " She is a good person & I love her. " Maybe the old sayings are old sayings for a reason. I'm so glad your sis was available for a good talk. She is a treasure, as are you, and your whole family. I'm glad y'all are in the world, making it a better place. Sending wishes & positive energy for a good day, and week, and at least 5 minutes peace to mindfully breathe in & out daily:-). May you be aware of love working in & around you.
ReplyDeleteLA we love you. It sounds like it was such a rare and blissful experience for him - lots and lots of delicious cuddle time with mama, 1 on 1 without his brother bugging the you-know-what out of him, the beautiful healing physical sensations of the water embracing him, the sunlight, the smiles, the laughter . . . and then it had to end. Back to the chaos - loving chaos, but still, ejected from Eden, in a sense. It is not very often I feel grateful to have experienced and accompanied all the trauma that I have, but yesterday was one of those times that I'm grateful for each step of the journey. If it leads to one little boy having the help he needs to feel safer and safer in the world, then it was all worth it. I love you, Karon. I read a beautiful blog post the other day that I think you and your readers will enjoy. You can find it here: http://www.karenmaezenmiller.com/the-end-of-my-rope
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