Back and Forth we go

I am not sure if it is the change of me being home for the summer, the warmer temperatures, the trauma of times past, or that my 5 1/2 year old is emotional reaching out like a 2.5 year old, but something is amis.  I am struggling right now on how to be there for Isaac, when he is really struggling emotionally.  For the last few days with me, he has been in full blow baby mode.  By this I mean he found a pacifier (which he never had to my knowledge) and has been using it whenever he can.  He is crawling on the floor, sucking his fingers, talking mostly in babble baby talk.  Then he is "acting" quite helpless about things he is very capable of.  For example, Isaac always gets his shoes on the right feet, he is very good at getting dressed and he is very brave and stern with the new puppy.  But today if the puppy was in the same room as him, there were tears and screeching, he put his shoes on the wrong feet at the YMCA and just sat there waiting for me to notice.  When I asked him to get his shirt on after swimming, he put his head through the arm hole, then proceeded to melt down when he got stuck. 

So, some of this I know is "normal" for kids who are adopted.  Especially where trauma and neglect are involved.  And, I still can't wrap my head around the unpredictable nature of not knowing weather I am taking two 5 year olds to the pool, or two boys who look like their five, but one who is literally acting like a baby.  Not to mention that now I feel like I am on extra high alert because I want to do anything to avoid another PTSD trauma trigger.  Instead of being more loving and attentive, this instead makes me anxious and irritable.  I can't be the prepared mom with so many variables, or at least that is how I feel. 

This afternoon I got a chance to chat with my sister and she asked a very important question:  "What is all of Isaac's stuff triggering in you?"  It finally came down to me having a similar feeling I have with some of my female students who choose to play the cute and dumb card so they can feel like the fit in or to get attention from the boys.  When girls do that, it boils my blood for so many reasons.  Here I feel similar with Isaac, because from the outside, my child appears to be a wreck and a "baby,"  but I know how very smart and capable he is.  I know that he can do so much, and it frustrates the daylights out of me to watch him think that being helpless is the way to get attention from me. 

Fortunately in Alabama we have a great resource for adoptive families in the state.  There is a psychologist available to meet with parents and kids who specializes in adoption related issues.  I plan on meeting with him by myself early next week, and then later on with Isaac. 

I feel like I am flying blind on some of this stuff and I don't know the clear definition of "normal behavior" any more. 

The other thing I am struggling with is that I received a copy of Isaac's findling add.  I ordered this after seeing a friend get hers for her soon to be adopted daughter.  It explained how her child was left with blankets and a note that showed love and affection.  I felt like ordering the add might give me a small little piece of Isaac's past.  See, the other day I was telling Emerson some of his stories about when he was small(er).  Then Isaac piped in and wanted to hear his stories.  I was not sure what to tell him.  Should I tell him about the drugs he was on, the malnourishment, the parasites, the bareness of the walls in his room, how he would bang his head against the wall, or rip the wall paper off. 

Then the add came.  And, I was left even more empty, because of what was not said, more than what was said.  There was no mention of a note, or a blanket, or anything.  Just that he was found.  That is it.  My heart aches at the possibilities of why my little boy was just left, but that is a post all in it self.