Perception Vs. Reality

Alight, I asked for it, and I am getting it.  I wanted clarity and tonight it came in some odd stressful ways.  First, as always, I need to give some back story to my ramblings.  Two things weigh heavily on how I am seeing my family right now.                                                                            

One is that my sister and I are taking a class together called "Designed for Wellness."  It is a wonderful look at how we can morph into this new and incredible phase of motherhood, while also taking the time to invest in ourselves as people so that we can have the necessary strength and wherewithal to do the very difficult job of parenting (not to mention all of the other things we also need the energy to do.) 

The second thing is that I have recently joined a faecebook group for Kazakh families.  The other day a woman posted a great thread about the realities of parenting our adopted children.  The thread was rich with deep discussions about the things many of us are facing, that are not in the "norm" of kids who start off with more stable beginnings.  For me, it was an eye opener, because a lot of the behaviors, issues and struggles I have assumed were preemie related issues for Emerson, are being experienced with the same intensity for many other Kazakh adoptive families. 

So this leaves me up at 2am thinking about our night (or last night I guess) with a need to be humbly honest.  We went to our monthly family dinner at my moms.  Fortunately it was a smaller than normal group, because as much as I like seeing everyone, large groups of people that my children don't know well is a stress trigger.  Not to mention that it was poring down rain, which is a major pain trigger for me. 

Anyway, as soon as we get there Isaac immediately reverts.  "Hold Me!, Hold Me!" he shouts.  I do, but now he is 47 lbs. and he still does not really know how to hold on to me.  I go to sit on the sofa in a quieter room, but he is agitated.  He squirms uncomfortably while talking in baby talk, unable to be calmed and not listening at all.  I try to carry on a conversation with a very wiggly reverting 47 lb. 5 year old in my lap.  I can feel the judgment coming from others in the room.  I know what they are thinking "is he retarded" and I know it is not in a mean way.  I would think the same thing if I was an outsider looking in.  How do you explain?  Should I explain?  Is there any explanation that would even make sense?  Even for John and I, that know better than anyone else what is going on, find it mentally exhausting and at some level terrifying to watch our son careen through emotional ages and responses without having a great solution for him, for us, and certainly not for the crowds around us. I often wonder if the room full of "strangers" (I put this in quotes because to Isaac he still does not register the relationships with the larger family that is seen so infrequently, it is too hard of a concept for him yet) if this flashes him back to a room in China where he was transitioned from an orphanage worker to his 1st US family (that turned out to be a very poor match.)  I can't help but wonder given the severity of his regression if somewhere he associates the setting with being given away.   

Then, Emerson has a very different response to the crowd.  He is a sensory seeker.  People bowling is his favorite sport, and the bigger the crowd, the more he seeks out concrete and repetitive input from the senses he wants to really remember.  If you are just now starting to read this blog, Emerson has virtually no sensory filter.  He takes in everything at the highest possible level.  What I am learning right now is that he does not have the ability currently to organize this mass amount information.  As a result he becomes completely overwhelmed with too many details, and can't seem to move forward unless he gets stuck on one or two things.  Well, last night this was one of his cousins who he doesn't see very often.  I must have asked Emerson to give him his space over 100 times.  He grabs, pulls, pats, constantly makes physical contact.  It became clear to me last night that he is doing it to keep the thing he wants on the top of his sensory input, and it is how he stays focused with too many things going on.  Unfortunately to the outside observer, it makes me kid seem like an incessant brat, who can't mind his table manners.  Again, how do I explain it to those who don't really know it, or experience it, or who are not around it very often. It is annoying.  And I love my children with all of my heart, and it hurts me deeply to see them so stressed, and have such alienating coping mechanisms. 

By the time we get home, I feel as though I have run a marathon.  Running interference has taken it all out of me.  I have given all of my energy to the boys and I was so ready to read to them, and go have a sit in the hot tub.  Isaac is really into reading John's father's day book that tells Isaac's story of joining our family.  At home on the sofa he reminded me of those pill sponges you put in the sink that rapidly grow.  The baby I had with me only an hour ago, came back to being 5.  I finished reading to him, then started with Emerson.  I finished Emerson's book with my last reserves of energy and sent him off to bed.  Unfortunately, it was now time for the end of a chaotic evening melt down for him.  He wanted me to come lay down with him.  I explained that I needed a little "me" time.  I needed desperately to put my aching body in the hot tub, so that I could possibly get a good nights sleep. 

He would have none of it.  He became hysterical.  A deep sorrowful hysterical proclaiming that he needed his mommy, "don't leave me, I need you."  This was not your normal kids temper tantrum.  It came from a deep place of true fear that mommy needing her own time, means mommy is going to abandon me.  In my exhausted state, I held him and we cried together.  Who am I to walk away from either of my kids who know the true meaning of abandonment.  So here I am at 2am awake and writing and getting ready to go in the hot tub for the little bit of me time I can find. 

I am at a stage in my life where I could care less about judgments passed against me.  I am sure from a distant, I appear to be a lousy parent with out of control kids.  I know, my kids history, I know where we have come from and it doesn't bother me.  Yet, the mama bear in me wants to tell the world to back off, to understand that they are different, they are coming from behind world, so give them a break.  Sadly, I know the world does not work like that.  I cannot protect them from all that is out there no more than I can go back and erase their painful neglected beginnings.  For now though, and especially tonight, the world made it loud and clear that while our world might appear stable and normal for John and I, it is not so much for our boys.  Right now our adventure is learning how to heal little people into having enough trust and confidence to be able to take on the adventures of life with grace and truth.