Regression

The other night, I am sure my mother could sense my level of exhaustion.  She kindly called up just before we were leaving to come to her house for dinner, and offered for the boys to spend the night.  We managed to get them boys psyched for it, and I promptly took the first night without the boys around to crawl into bed at 7:30 and fall soundly asleep by 7:31.  Did I mention that I have been wiped out this week. 

When I got home yesterday the boys were down for the nap, so I enjoyed a few minutes of down time after my long work week.  When they woke up though, I realized the down time was over.  Isaac was back in full force baby mode for me.  He does not do this when he is just with John, or at school, just when he feels "let down" by me.  He can't express his sadness or insecurity for being away from me for the night.  He was a good boy for my mom, and was fine when John picked them up.  But, with me, he would only squeal, his facial expression was glued in a baby face, and he would just flop around or squirm in my lap. 

This is hard to watch on so many levels.  The first is that he needs to experience life like a baby before he can experience it like a 5 year old.  Second, I have a very hard time ridding with it for very long.  It sometimes feels like an act, and other times, he is truly in the moment of being a baby.  Yesterday, I realized I just had to go with it.  I held him, I played peak-a-boo, we rocked, we sang songs, I feed him.   At times, OK who am I kidding, most of the time, I look at myself, doubting, feeling like I am not doing it right, or how others would do it.  Lets be frank, outside the adoption community this is not really something that most have to work through.  There are not a lot of daily role models to follow. 

This morning started off the same way.  Isaac came in my room to cuddle, but stayed in baby mode until I insisted it was time to start the day.  At the playground and library, I got my five year old back.  Such is our families experience with a new kind of normal day.  We are OK being different, I just hope I am doing it right and the best thing for the boys so that the world will be kind to them.  They are special, not like others, but so very special to me, to our family and they have gifts to share, if people can also see that in them.