Ain't no reason

http://youtu.be/amwVyRH2B8A

I find my self right now feeling like June in The Secret Life of Bees.  She is the one that absorbs and carries the weight of the world on her shoulders.  This video of Brett Dennan sums up my overwhelming sense of loss right now. 

It all started with a deeper look into a pair of brothers who were listed as needing a home on Rainbowkids.com.  They are 13 and 15 and the older one will be tossed out on the streets at 16 in August.  John and I did a lot of soul searching on this one.  Our hearts are open, but unfortunately we don't feel like we have enough to offer them in the way of material things.  We would constantly remind ourselves that we can do better than what they are going to get, but somehow, where we are in life right now, our society, our surrounding shout loudly at us that this is not good enough. 

I am feeling distressed by the state of priorities, and overwhelmed trying to meet, what feels like arbitrary goals, that don't truly make a difference in the world.  For example; last week I gave my students a multiple choice test over plate tectonic caused catastrophic events.  Overwhelmingly they bombed it.  As a teacher I take "F's" personally.  They scream at me that I have failed to teach them, or inspire them, or motivate them to learn the material.  So, I decided in my moment of failure, to look at the notebooks of the students who did poorly on the test.  To my surprise, there were great notes, illustrations, news articles, reflections, questions and explanations of the concepts.  They knew the stuff, they could not only address how these events were cause, but what to do next to keep themselves and others safe (which by the way I am not required to teach.) 

This got me really thinking.  Why can my students give me such depth on one form of assessment, but they can't answer a simple multiple choice question?  This let me to another fundamental question:  Do I want to create citizens, who view science answers as concrete options, rather than innovations that deserve explanations. 

The answer for me is I clearly want the latter, but society doesn't seem to have time for depth and innovation these days.  My kids will face things like the SAT's and state testing, and those scorers don't have the time to sit down and truly see the depth of their knowledge and complexity of their thinking and why it is so hard for them just to pick one correct answer from someone elses thoughts. 

This sums up my struggle in general right now.  I feel caught up and in despair over the speed, materialistic nature and shallowness of the daily grind.  I feel surrounded by wealth, greed, things, that ultimately don't matter, but here, feel like they are what defines or makes or breaks someone.  If I look deeper I know that most around me are running on borrowed time, money, energy and are living way beyond their means to keep up with everyone else that is doing the same thing. 

Yet, I can't bring myself to play that game.  I am haunted by the sorrowful eyes of the kids I left in the Kazakh baby houses.  I know that the healthy orphan girls in China are not really going in mass numbers to loving adoptive homes.  I know that my new iPad was made with sweat shop labor, and I know and I have seen the face of children abused and neglected.  I have seen starvation, and true poverty in Central America.  And, still with all that I have, I feel like I don't have enough money to do more for those who truly don't have enough to survive let alone thrive. 

I am disturbed by our society's misplaced value of money.  Who decided that as a teacher I am not worth that of a doctor, or a lawyer.  Who decided that little girls need Vera Bradley backpacks to avoid getting bullied by their peers, who decided that it is OK to cheaply overfeed our kids crap food to the point of obesity, while other parents are praying for just enough to keep their child alive. 

Why am I sad because I can only keep my heat at 60 to make ends meet, while I am sure the kids in Bulgarian orphanages tonight could not possibly dream of the warmth of 60 degrees.