It is out of my hands, I must trust, repeat, it is out of...

My mantra that I must repeat to my self is that I have done everything possible that I can do for our adoption process. There is not a darn thing I can do no mater how much I desperately want to beg an official to know how my heart aches for our family to add a child and for my child that is waiting for a family.

In the mean time I am trying to find hidden meaning in everything. I feel like I used to feel when we were wishing and waiting every month for a baby only to realize that I was imagining on inventing symptoms. Last night as I read Emerson The Little Engine that Could, I found myself feeling like the little blue engine.
I think I can get you paperwork in CA from AL in a day,
I think I can go get my FBI prints done again,
I think I can beg my social worker to add on more piece of information to my home study
I think I can endure USCIS paperwork again and reprinting
I think I can not buy anything or go out to dinner for years to bring my little one home.
I think I can wait for days to find out if a journey of years to create a family is finally over.
I think I can make it to the top of this hill.


In the mean time I keep remember that I am so luck to have my amazing son. He brings me so much joy every day. I am very sad to be loosing my other "son" on Thursday. I am so glad that we hosted Daniyar this year but boy is it going to be hard to say good buy. I have been Ok with it because we thought we would be in Kazakhstan this summer or fall. I know we will always have a connection to Kaz, but it is hard to think it might be years before we see him again rather than months.

Again, I am thankful for no news rather than news saying "No." We are so fortunate to even have one child considering the ridiculously difficult road to parent hood, yet I feel in my heart that it is not over. Recently the form of comfort we are getting is "Don't work about it, if the adoption fails, it was not meant to be." Yet had I had this attitude with conceiving then Emerson would not be a part of our lives. Too many people have this attitude and this is why so many children live with out homes. Complacency is not in my nature. For that matter neither is patience. Oh well, I will wait then on pins and needles fighting all the way to complete my family.