And the plan is...

When John and I got married a little over ten years ago, we put one particular phrase in our wedding vows.  "I promise to keep life exciting and adventurous."  Just a little word to the wise:  If you don't mean this, don't say it because wishes do come true.  There are days that I now call successful just because they are boring and went just as they were planned.  But those days are few and far beyond. 

Yesterday I was speaking to someone who knows of our situation and how much we are struggling to figure out what the "right thing to do" is.  When I told him our plan forward he said, "I am so sorry, I know this is not how you envisioned things."  True, very true.  For years we have looked forward to kindergarten as a family.  We worked so hard with both boys and their pre-school teachers in the early intervention program so that they would be ready to be mainstreamed by 5.  We not only had a goal for our boys, but we could picture how we thought it would be attained. 

And, this is just a new topic for a frequent theme of how we learn in life, that not everything is supposed to go according to plan.  When I stoped to think about it, we are thrilled to take this next step.  We are running to something that we feel is right.  Notice I did not say "easy."  Somehow we seem to be allergic to such paths, although they look so pretty and clear.  I must say we feel a bit as though we did when we first chose to adopt.  We started of knowing we wanted a family.  Our imaginations were too limited and sheltered to know how that one simple wish would lead us to the most precious gifts the world has ever offered us.  Were they perfect, matching, easy to come by, with fair tale stories to go along with them?  No, but we did not specify that in our wish. 

Our wish for our boys is that they will learn about the world around them so that they become productive contributing members of society.  We thought this meant public school, down the street.  Little did we know how small a dream this was compared to how our boys need to learn and where they are emotionally.  We have known these last few weeks that our boys were not in a place that matched their needs.  We have known for one week that a change had to be made ASAP. 

Yesterday was their last day at their school, and it was sad for many reasons, even though it was the right choice.  I am mostly sad because being a parent sometimes just plain stinks.  The boys will morn this change and loss of another community.  Yet, they did the same thing for other places they needed to leave.  Still, it stinks to be the one who had to make that call.

Monday, though starts something new.  Here is our ideal plan for now: 
(We still have one more school to visit on Tuesday before we can fully move forward.)

1. Enroll the boys in the homeschooling academy
2. Join Red Mountain Community School's correspondence program
3. The boys all go to school on Thursday's at RMCS
4. John teaches them the bulk of their subjects through experiential learning in the mornings, naps in the afternoon while he builds, and I do the rest in the evenings/weekends while he delivers.
5. We have a field trip once a week.
6. Then we would like to officially apply for the Waldorf school with the hopes that they would start there in the fall for 1st grade. 

So this is the plan today.  If you are wondering how long it will be the plan please go back and read the first part of the blog:) 

Why?

My father loves to tell the story of how one of my brothers was running away from a bee, and managed to break his foot.  I would always ask, "did he get stung."  Dad would respond "who knows?  His foot hurt so bad that the bee was the last of his worried. 

I have internalized this story growing up to mean "Don't run from something you are afraid of, or that you think will hurt you, because you will only end up hurting yourself."  So while decisions have needed to be made this week and we found our family on a path that was scary and wrong, we did not want to run from it.  We wanted to take survey of our surroundings, really figure out what the issues were and then move ahead with confidence and eagerness to the next step. 

But, why was the current situation the "bee to get away from?"

1.  I think the most valuable thing this past week has taught us, is that it is our job as parents to do what is right for our boys.  Not necessarily what we planned to do, or is convenient, or financially easier, or just because everyone else is.  We started our boys on a kindergarten path that we looked forward to for years.  We assumed because they had so much success in pre-school at the same location, the transition would be easy.  We were wrong.

2.  Some situations and places, despite their best intentions, are not going to be a good match for our kids.  I am sure every parent thinks, "my kid is different,"  "my kids is special."  Fortunately we have a system in place that meets the needs of the majority of the types of kids ways of being "different and special."  My kid's issues are the outliers of this system (for now, maybe forever, but certainly for now.)

3.  My boys are not ready to give up naps.  Yes, there is about 20-30 min for "rest and naps," but I mean my boys really need a real nap.  Emerson operates at 100 RPM's and while he will mature and learn to pace himself, he does not know how to do this yet.  As a result he is crashing and burning from sensory overload every day at the end of the day.  Schools are beautifully colorful places with lots of things for kids to look at, many people in a crowded space, lots of transitions, and different people to get to know.  For Emerson, this setts of too many senses being used at one time and he becomes an overstimulated mess by the end of the day.  Isaac suffers from night terrors.  The most effective way to minimize these is by making sure he does not get exhausted.  They currently have a long day, and without the break for a nap he ends up winding up so much before bed, that he is back to taking forever (even with melatonin) to go to sleep at night.  Then he has a night terror that sets the stage for further exhaustion the next day. 

4.  I am seeing a huge insecurity in both boys in regards to their place in the family.  Emerson must ask me 5-10 times a day if I am going to die?  He literally cries daily over his worry that John or I will die and leave him all alone.  Isaac, is just regressing back to the days where he does not get who is in charge.  When I reach for his hand to cross the road, he pulls away, when I try to help him with something he runs off to "take care of it himself."  We have come to far, to go back now.  I truly feel like my boys need more time to build their family foundation, and the foundation of who they are and what they believe in, before we send them off to be cared for and tested. 

And, I know there are more things that have been running through our mind, but alas, it is 3 am and Emerson is crying out for me, so I  must go. 

New Chapter

Boy, we did lots of homework today.  We still have loads to do, but decisions have been made and we feel we can be public on the blog again.  Please know if you are hoping back on to look for dirt, that is not what this blog is about.  It is not to slander, or defame or demoralize.  It is a way to reach out and ask for help. 

With that, I must say thank you, to the amazingly resourceful and informative community that has reached out to our family this past week as we have explored the best fits for our boys and their future education.  Thank you to those who have just prayed, and listened and believed that we could make the necessary changes for our future. 

We still have a bit more research to do next week with options, but what is wonderful is that we have several really good options.  We do have the complication that we need to do a bit of mixing and matching for each boy, and it will probably be a bit of a Frankenstein plan for a while. 

Next week we will know more than we know now, but the one thing we know for sure is that we will not be keeping our boys in a situation that is not a good match for their needs.  Yes, convenience is nice, but health and wellness are far more important. 

Where to Go Now?

So as you can tell from recent post, there is a bit of turmoil in our lives right now.  One of the things I say and feel often is how regretful I am that we did not get to our children sooner.  They fell victim to a flawed system of institution and humanity.  They have both physical and emotional scars as a result of neglect, abuse, starvation, medical ailments, malnourishment, lack of stimulation and lack of human contact and love for their first years and months. 

One thing I know is that I can't wine about the past if I am not willing to take charge of their future.  Currently they are in a situation that is triggering a lot of "stuff" for them.  Emerson wakes up in the morning screaming for me.  Screaming at the top of his lungs "Mama where are you, are you still here, don't leave me don't die today"  Over and over again.  He comes home so overstimulated that the slightest noise makes him jump in fear or he sits in the corner covering his ears because he "just can't take it anymore."  Isaac is having 1-2 hour night terrors at least three nights a week.  He is back to no eye contact with me, sneaking and hording food and gorging at dinner. 

I naively thought that if we could just tweak or adapt a few things in their current situation that they would "fit in" or be "similar enough" and just make it.  My motherly instinct though is screaming from the mountain top at me though and saying that my children are suffering and I must step up. 

So now what?  Here are the options we have.  Some good, some bad and lots complicated.  I need to write them out so I can see them, and yes, dear readers, I would love your opinion, especially if you are going through something similar. 

Option 1:  Keep doing the same. 
Pros:  Very convenient for me and John.  They ride the bus, John gets lots more time to do his business, it is financially beneficial, our children are familiar with it, even if they are struggling emotionally.  We had an extremely positive outcome at the same place with Early Intervention preschool for years. 

Cons:  It does not match their current needs, it feels too institutional given their background with institutions, we have little to no control with what goes on when they are away, our core values are not in line with their daily experience, there is no nap time (just rest time) and they don't seem ready to drop that yet.

Option 2:A different local public school
Pros:  It is very close to our house, the boys could ride the bus, the opportunity for them to make friends that live near us, John can keep up the flexibility in his work schedule, financially good for us, the income bracket is closer to ours at this school.

Cons:  The overall public school institution feeling would still be present, many of the same instructional techniques we are currently struggling with will still be used, still does not line up with our core values.  Same song with a different dance. 

Option 3:  Redmont Waldorf School
Pros;  Extremely aligned with our families values, very sensitive environment that would be very gentle on our boys souls and senses.  A pragmatic curriculum that is very in tune with the physiology of how the body and brain works setting the boys up for success.  We would be part of a community of like minded people.  Our boys would be instructed in an environment that we could trust (not to say with can't with the others, but it would be much easier.) 

Cons:  I have no idea how we would pay for it.  John would have to work a tremendous amount more to even possibly make the payments.  John would have to drive 1 hour in the morning, and in the afternoon to pick them up, thus drastically increasing our fuel bill and decreasing his work time. 

Option 4:  Red Mountain Community School
Pros:  In line with our values and our educational philosophy.  A healthy learning environment.  Individualized education for all students.  Small school. 

Cons:  I have no idea about cost, but doubt we can squeeze enough money out of our budget.  John would still be driving two hours a day to get them to and from school.  I am not sure it is structured enough for Emerson. 

Option 5:  Homeschooling with the Waldorf Philosophy and/or Charlotte Mason Tradition(s)
Pros:  Reduce fuel cost and transportation cost.  Reduce stress from transitions, and over stimulation.  Give our boys more time to become confident members of a family and more secure in their values before they are tested and questioned by others.  Provide our boys with 2 on 2 education that is tailored to their emotional, physical and intellectual needs.  Get to know a community of people we don't already know through field trips and home school gatherings.  We will have the time to take Emerson to necessary OT appointments downtown. 

Cons:  This will add a lot of work for both me and John.  I will need to plan out their weeks (granted I know how to do a curriculum map and pacing guide).  The business will suffer because John will have to do all of his work in the afternoons or weekends.  We question whether our boys or John will be disciplined enough to get the learning done in a consistent way.  They will not have peers to learn from (this can be good or bad.)  I am not sure how we would get Isaac his speech therapy.  Cost of materials. 

So this is the crossroads where we are standing now.  All choices have good and bad, but such is life.  We just need to figure out what is best for now, for this year, and take it one step at a time. 

Bright Starts on a Dark Night

One of my favorite things about a moonless night, is that you get to see stars in a whole new way.  All are brighter, and many that you never get to see when the lights of life swarm the sky, are present and whimsical to gaze upon. 

Two days ago I felt like all light was taken away from me and my family.  I felt lost, alienated, and like I was some freak parent with an overactive imagination.  I questioned my values, my heart, even my choice to parent two kids with a mountain of emotional baggage.  But, as I mentioned before, I by nature am a questioner.  Yesterday I asked many questions, of myself, of the world, of friends, of family, of God and of John. 

Answers began to appear like stars in my dark little world.  One huge game changing one was a web site my sister found called  "My Life as a Trauma Mama".  I started reading it aloud to John and he asked "Who is this person?Are they writing about our family?" 

What really struck me was the section called "If it walks like a duck" where it talked about the signs and symptoms of PTSD and RAD (reactive attachment disorder).  They read as follows with my writing in red. 
Disinhibited Type:

*Being way too “cute” and charming, especially as a means to get what they want, whether it is attention or material objects/food.

This is Emerson.  He is the kid everyone remembers.  Even at the baby house in Kaz he charmed his way into being the baby that got the most attention and food because he was so "alert and cute." 

*Acts like a baby/uses the “baby voice” and behaves
inappropriately younger than their age.

We are getting a ton of this in both boys.  Isaac physically slips in and out of this mode for me.  He literally crawls, toddles like a baby, and speaks gibberish.  Emerson does it more in melt down mode.  He is never in happy retreatest mode. 

*Exaggerates about everything, especially their
“need” to be helped. (My daughter is a straight
“A” student, yet cries for “help” to do homework
she already knows how to do, for example.)

Again, this is Emerson all of the time.  I need you, I can't do it myself, Help Me!  He screams this all day long about all manner of things, most of which he is capable. 

*Easily/readily goes off with strangers and/or seeks 

affection (i.e. hugs) from strangers.

This one is a hug struggle for me, because I want to believe that Emerson is just a loving kid, but really the waitress at the Mexican restaurant does not deserve a hug and kiss from a nearly 6 year old.
         *Makes friends with a lot of other children (usually

younger than themselves), but is not very close to
any one of them.

Emerson again, but he always goes for the bad older kids.  He is incessant about them playing with him and is heart broken when they become bothered by his disrespect of their personal space. 

*Talks a lot – asks a lot of “crazy” questions (I’ll post on

this topic soon!)

Both of them, all day and to questions they know the answers to or that don't make sense. 

*Makes up stories – long, long, stories.

Same as above but more so with Emerson than Isaac.

*Wants just about everything they see and feels

“unloved” when they do not get it.
        *When they do get the item, pays attention to it for

only a short while and then either breaks it or

puts it away and ignores it/forgets about it.

When I read this one I actually felt like I must be, being watched.  This is a daily struggle for Emerson and one that I have the hardest time dealing with.  He will talk about going somewhere or getting some toy to the point of obsession.  Then as soon as he has it or is there, he wants to know about the next thing. 

Inhibited Type:

*Avoids relationships and is in a constant pull-push mode with the people trying to be close to him, such as parents. (Gets close enough to get what he wants, then pushes away again.)

Isaac each and every day multiple times a day.  After a while I find myself bitter over this type of "manipulation"

*Resists affection / stiffens when you try to hug them.

Goes limp or stiff but rarely will melt into one.  Most touch is uncomfortable to him.

*Avoids eye contact (unless lying, then will look you straight in the eye and forcefully deny anything, even obvious things).

Both boys struggle in this regard.

*Is always “on guard.” (Whenever you want to talk with them, they get defensive and think they’re in trouble.)

On guard is a nice way of putting it for Isaac.  He literally starts to hyperventilate and completely dissociates about 75% of the time he gets called out on something.

*Keeps score. Knows exactly what he “got” vs. what his brother got for birthdays, Christmas, etc.

Call me naive, but I had no idea that this was not a daily deal for all parents of brothers. 

*Has very few friends. The friends he does have are not all that close.

*Prefers to be alone.

*Lies a lot. “Crazy lies” about things that do not matter. Believes own lies.

*Engages in self-soothing behaviors rather than seek comfort from parents.

Isaac is very hard to bring around with love and affection.  Swings, solitude and rage are closer friends when he is upset. 

Either type:

*May hoard food, trash.

*May steal.

*May argue about ev.ry.thing.

*May act completely different than the type they

usually exhibit. (For example, my disinhibited

daughter may shut down and be surly from time

to time, while my inhibited son may act silly and

much younger than his age occasionally.)

She also had another part of her blog about the intoduction letter to her child's teacher.  Part of it stated: Sample Letter to the Teacher
 "I am one of those parents that teachers are always saying they wished there were more of, but then complain about as “helicopter parents”soon after. It is true that I am intensely involved in my child’s therapy and healing. My child is not – cannot – be parented by the traditional parenting methods that helped me before I adopted."

I have been way down on myself for how emotional I have been over their transition.  I have felt shame for being "that parent."  It was so comforting to know that I am not the only one, who feels that I must be assertive and vigilant.  She raised fur biological kids without one issue ever.  Our kids are different.  Yup it might be akward, but that doesn't change it.

 

 

So with a closer look at this, I realized that I am not delusional about the struggles my kids are facing.  It is common for RAD and PTSD kids to hold it together for school and loose it at home, because they don't even feel safe enough in other environments to truly feel what is going on. 

 

What it also taught me is that there is not a quick fix in their daily lives.  Currently there is not some simple modification or accommodation that will cure them or take the hurt away.  What I do know is that the current situation is triggering a lot of stuff for them.  What I also know is that we have options, and we are creative people.  Life will not be perfect, their education will not be perfect all the time, families will have good days and bad days. 

 

I remember reading on Cindy LaHoys blog about how we know our true selves in the "space in between."  What she meant by that is, who we are at our very core is what we do between the horrible events of our life, and the actions we take to make our world better (not necessarily perfect.)  This weekend we have been myered in the "space between"  It has been a wrenching journey with many tears, lots of thoughtful conversations with family, reflection, reading and researching.  This week will continue to be a limbo week, but we are going to go into it knowing that we are creative problem solvers.  We have two little boys with wounded souls, who deserve the best the world has to offer them.  For now we search and research and enjoy finding all the stars we didn't notice on the bright days, and be thankful they are there. 

Questioning

I have found myself asking more questions these last few days than any other form of thought.  I have questioned my sanity, my recollection of events, my perception of my children and their experiences.  I have questioned whether I made a mistake in saying "yes" to too big of a job.  I have questioned if God made a mistake in letting us be our boys parents.  Weren't they meant to be with someone more spiritual, nurturing, wealthy, living somewhere different, with better access to therapies, someone better equip? 

I am by nature, by culture and by profession a questioner.  When presented with a problem, I first ask questions.  Many, many questions.  Some are stupid, some might be rude, some insightful, some that we lead me to the answer, some will lead me to a dead end, and often they will lead me to another question.  What I have found helpful, through this blog, is that I have been able to blurt my questions, fears, thoughts to a group (of mostly) people who could help narrow my impassioned look at a subject my heart was too close to, and to help my head see the next step to take. 

Now I am at a very new crossroads.  My ultimate purpose and core values are still present to help guide me.  When I run through the "What do I do now?" scenarios I can fall back on my main job as a parent is to keep my boys safe.  My main job as a professional is "To create a safe, supportive, and challenging academic environment that creates life long learners."  My two core values also tell me 1:  Every child deserves a safe and loving family, and 2.  All children deserve a quality equitable education that empowers them to fulfill their dreams and make the world a better place. 

Rarely have I found myself in such a quandary where these values and purposes have caused me such heart ache.  Logically the decisions I must make are clear.  My number one job is to keep my boys safe.  I have read enough about PTSD and RAD today to affirm that I am not alone, or crazy, or delusional.  I have held my children through enough night terrors and meltdowns to know that they do not feel safe.  If my core value is that all kids deserve a safe loving family, then I must change the situation. 

Yes, it will be complicated.  We will possibly need to sacrifice money and time that we don't have any extra of?  Will it ask us to do much more with less?  Will it put me in an awkward situation?  The answer to all of these questions is a resounding YES!  And, so what.  We made some huge choices to bring our broken kids into our little world.  We did not do it to be comfortable, or popular.  So now, we must stick with them, our hearts, our intuition and our core beliefs.  This upcoming week will create many more questions, but hopefully, a few needed answers will come our way as well. 

Where to Start

First off, if you are not an invited reader, then you are trespassing on my support group.  If you are invited it is because I value you, I relate to you, you have chosen to relate to me, to us.  You know that I am real, fallible, raw, emotional (but not too emotional) and passionate.  If you are dropping by to gather data to prove a point of negativity then please get off and go away. 

I blog because I am a stranger in a strange land.  I am not part of the majority in any shape or fashion, nor are my children.  Those that qualify in the majority, can go to their houses of worship, watch their 24 hour news cycles, talk daily to similar families, and blend.  Bless you, I am thrilled for you.  We all deserve to be part of something bigger.  My personal choices in life are not main stream.  I know that will leave me alienated, but my one technological vice and sense of community is my ability to reach out to my fellow invited readers and community that live too far and wide to communicate with personally. 

I blog also because I know I cannot possibly be the only one with such issues.  I know they are not common, but seriously, I cannot be completely alone and if I am, then I have even more reason than ever to feel despondent. 

As adoptive parents we learn quick that we must fight.  People do not, regrettably, swing doors open wide for those of us who have chosen to welcome the forgotten children of the world into our families.  Government officials do not eagerly sign off on important documents, our children do not run to us and thank us for "saving them."  We learn a whole new lexicon of words including but not limited to: dossier, home study, IEP, PTSD, RAD, night terror, and so on and so forth.  We are also a strong group with resolve. We made it through the hazing process of adoption.  We called senators, congressmen, DHR, USCIS, the FBI.  We squeezed paperwork out of more agencies than we ever knew existed. 

We did this out of hope, to fill a place in our heart that knew someone needed to be a part of our family.  We did this out of faith, trusting that the details would be nuance when it came to the living being that we needed and that needed parents.  We did it because it was right, and so what, that it was hard and a PITA. 

I will admit that I was naive still.  I believed that once we got our kids home, we could stop fighting.  We could just move forward. 

Today I was proved wrong.  Far too many would rather do what is planned, what is fun, what is easy, what is familiar.  I don't blame them.  I often find myself wishing I could undo some of my experiences, some of the lost eyes and empty souls and bellies that I have seen.  I wish I could un-see the ills of the world and just enjoy gluttony, and indulgence. 

I guess I too am a wounded jaded soul.  They say that the care givers of PTSD kids must be careful.  That trauma can be contagious.  I laughed at this, I too mocked this notion.  I can't blame anyone else either for laughing and if those uninvited readers are reading... I do not blame you.  But now I have seen pain and a level of torture in both of my son's eyes and hearts and my soul is seared with their pain and suffering and the suffering of the other 167 Million kids waiting.  As a mother I long to take it away, and I know all I can do is love them through their hurt.  I can keep fighting for them, and advocating for them, and praying for all of the others who so desperately wait for their shot at life with a family. 

Nope, we are not the perfect family.  Yes, we can be a pain to work with or service.  Yes, we can be brash and intense and adamant, and yes, we will fight and not be silenced or bullied.  Please know dear world, we are not upset with you.  We love you and the gifts you have given us, especially our beautiful black eyed boys. We love you enough to challenge you, to push you, to encourage you to include just more than the comfortable and the familiar.  We love you enough to protect those things that are not popular to protect.  We love you enough to be uncomfortable and chastised and belittled for what is right.  Because we live in an awesome adaptable, resilient world that deserves to be fought for. With all  greatness in each and every one of our children that deserves to be stood up for and all the wildness and rawness and depth that we have access to, we must stand up, be uncomfortable and continue to search out what is right and just for those who can't do it for themselves.