I will start by saying that I have no idea how single parents do it. I have the utmost respect for them as well as those who have partners that are away for long periods of time. With that said I am so appreciative that John and I are able to tag team right now for I am sure both of us would have lost our mind this week without being able to go into grown up time out to take a few deep breaths.
Here is where we are right now: Isaac is off of all his medicine. Emerson has been at school this week so Isaac is getting lots of one on one time. We are also having many many issues with behavior this week that are definitely pushing our buttons and trying our patience.
Our big question is: How do you establish love and trust with a very hurt 3.5 year old with limited communication skills at the same time establish health boundaries and discipline? So far it has been very hard. I have mentioned before that falling in love with a 3 year old takes time. Discipline the "normal" three year old is Hell at best. Now add into the fact that his last placement had two really bad things going for it.
1. His parents had no control. When he tantrum ed they caved until...
2. He spent the last 6 months drugged into compliant behavior. The problem I am seeing with this is that he did not have to learn impulse control and how to manage his emotions because it was done for him. I would have less issues with the drugs if they had followed through with therapies and consistent support to teach him the skills he needs. Now that he is off the meds he is ridding a roller coaster.
The other major obstacle is that he looks like a 3.5 year old, but really is processing information around a 1 or 2 year old at times. I am having such a hard time gaging when he is being defiant to test the waters and tick us off, or because he is not developmentally capable of processing cause and effect. Take last night; Isaac kept throwing toys. I explained to him that we do not throw toys because they hurt people when they hit them or because we might break something. I even demonstrated this. I gently corrected him two more times. Then the last time as he was reeling back to throw a toy car at the window I told him not to throw it. He looked me right in the eyes and threw it anyway. So off to time out we go. He is screaming crying and as always doing his classic scream over and over again. At the end of three minutes I go to talk to him and he backs up down the hall. I ask him to come or else there will be three more min in time out. He did not come and back he went. The next time I go to talk to him he tries to hit me. I hold his arms and repeat "we do not hit, we use nice hands" while showing him. We eventually get to an "I'm sorry for throwing" and a hug. Two minutes later, he throws another toy at the window. He goes back and then I put him in the Ergo for the rest of dinner making.
One new thing was are trying is the family hour. After dinner we have they boys color or work on some craft project while John and I clean the kitchen. Then we do some activity. Two nights ago we went canoing in the lake, and last night we went for a walk in the neighborhood. It is nice to set aside this time just for the four of us.
Ultimately we have a ton of work to do before Isaac will really feel like he is part of our family. We recognize that a lot of it will take time and that we need some strategies for how to love and support him, while also keeping him safe. There are times he makes us absolutely loose our mind and it is so hard to keep our cool. We know from working with troubled teens that this is classic behavior for kids who have been hurt before. Go ahead and do the pushing, because then you are in control. What we need help with is figuring out what he is capable of developmentally so that we can be disciplining appropriately and having realistic expectations. I don't want him to do things out of fear of consequences I want him to do them because he knows they are right or because he trust his parents to make good choices.
One last note is that I need to give John lots of credit right now. Those of you who know us closely know that we are not always on the same page. To be honest we are doing good just to survive most days. Our life pre-Emerson was one of crazy adventures of mountaineering, winter camping, and long rafting trips. We had a hard time adjusting to life with a child. We never really figured out how to have a relationship where we did not get to have such intense bonding time where we were not caring for another person. I will be honest that I worried about adding Isaac to our family might just be the breaking point. In fact it has been the opposite. We now realize that we need each other and our kids need us. We recognize that when one parent has that look, they need a hug and a cup of coffee and permission to go have a time out. I now see what a challenge it is to get the kids up and out and ready for school. John sees how much work it is to get healthy food prepared with two kids nipping at your heals. While time together with just the two of us is slim we are looking forward to the possibilities. In the mean time I am just happy that we have each other.
We have lots of help comming in the near future:
Tomorrow IEP meeting to get Isaac started in school next week
Monday first family therapy with adoption specialist
Tuesday: Isaac's first day of school
Wednesday: Back to the itnernational clinic with the physician, developmental screaning, and psychologist
Thursday: Cleft palet clinc to check on his hearing, future surgery needs and education for us
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Maternity Leave
Living in a world where most rules, regulations and policies are set up by men is an interesting one to say the least. Then you add to that the fact that 98% of families in the US are formed with biological children who obviously start off as newborns. Fortunately some where along the line someone stood up for the rights of adoptive families and recognized that while adoptive mothers do not have the physical "trama" or birthing a child, we inherit a tremendous amount of emotional trauma that comes from our child's past. Not to mention that we have essentially brought a stranger into our home on a leap of faith that we will all co-exist harmoniously and perhaps live happily ever after.
As all people who live with others know, becoming a family does take time and work. So, while I went back to school last week to get my kids started, I am now off for the next 6 weeks to help discover and establish the new normal. It has been interesting to explain this to people. I would say about 80% of the people get it. The other 20% unfortunately say the darnedest things that make me want to say, "hey you come hang out at my house and say that I am ready to jump into working 60 hours a week!!!" The first parent I told at my meet and greet the other night said "I have a nephew that was adopted 30 years ago, right after my sister adopted him she relaxed and was able to have a child of her own." My hackles immediately raised as my children are my own and how dare you make the assumption that my inability to relax is why I have two adopted children. Hello, I literally had just met the guy!
Then there is my mom. Everyday things go well, she says that I should just go back to work as soon as possible. Last week was insanely hard for me. I love my job and I poor every ounce of my sole into the work I do. Teaching is not a job for those who like to do things half a$$. Guess what neither is parenting. Until I get Isaac in a routine, some speech therapy and some emotional therapy, we have a very hard job to do right now. This little boy has been neglected for 3.5 years. I think he deserves at least 6 weeks of undivided attention.
So what do I hope to accomplish while I am off:
1. We need to get started with a family therapist. Isaac is off of all meds. He is doing well given all he has gone through but does not have health strategies to process his grief and anger.
2. He needs to get into the early intervention pre-school. He is developmentally like a young 2 year old right now. He also needs language skills either through signing or verbally to reduce his frustration over the little things.
3. We need to get to know each other and learn to have a sense of humor about the little things, and lay down the law on some of the major things.
4. On Aug 26th we will go to the cleft pallet clinic to see what needs to be done as far as future surgeries and the tubes in his ears.
5. We need to follow through with the international adoption clinic and therapist there as well as complete their developmental screening.
6. I need to get into a health routine of how to balance time for the, kids, time for John, time for me and time for work.
7. Oh and we need to close on our house next week, then pain and then move.
As all people who live with others know, becoming a family does take time and work. So, while I went back to school last week to get my kids started, I am now off for the next 6 weeks to help discover and establish the new normal. It has been interesting to explain this to people. I would say about 80% of the people get it. The other 20% unfortunately say the darnedest things that make me want to say, "hey you come hang out at my house and say that I am ready to jump into working 60 hours a week!!!" The first parent I told at my meet and greet the other night said "I have a nephew that was adopted 30 years ago, right after my sister adopted him she relaxed and was able to have a child of her own." My hackles immediately raised as my children are my own and how dare you make the assumption that my inability to relax is why I have two adopted children. Hello, I literally had just met the guy!
Then there is my mom. Everyday things go well, she says that I should just go back to work as soon as possible. Last week was insanely hard for me. I love my job and I poor every ounce of my sole into the work I do. Teaching is not a job for those who like to do things half a$$. Guess what neither is parenting. Until I get Isaac in a routine, some speech therapy and some emotional therapy, we have a very hard job to do right now. This little boy has been neglected for 3.5 years. I think he deserves at least 6 weeks of undivided attention.
So what do I hope to accomplish while I am off:
1. We need to get started with a family therapist. Isaac is off of all meds. He is doing well given all he has gone through but does not have health strategies to process his grief and anger.
2. He needs to get into the early intervention pre-school. He is developmentally like a young 2 year old right now. He also needs language skills either through signing or verbally to reduce his frustration over the little things.
3. We need to get to know each other and learn to have a sense of humor about the little things, and lay down the law on some of the major things.
4. On Aug 26th we will go to the cleft pallet clinic to see what needs to be done as far as future surgeries and the tubes in his ears.
5. We need to follow through with the international adoption clinic and therapist there as well as complete their developmental screening.
6. I need to get into a health routine of how to balance time for the, kids, time for John, time for me and time for work.
7. Oh and we need to close on our house next week, then pain and then move.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
What a difference a month makes
It is hard to believe that we have know Isaac for a month now. Some moments it feels like one big blur and at other moments I can't believe how far we have come. It seems like life, pre-Isaac was forever away.
In light of keeping things in perspective for us to look back on and to help our friends family and other adoptive parents see what is going on, I will list what I see as the big changes.
1. Food and Weight: When we first met Isaac he was skin and bones with a rock hard distended belly. When we ate, he shoveled everything in his mouth as quick as he could and begged for every grain of rice to be scraped from his bowl and he would pick up any stray bits.
Now: Isaac appears to have gained weight and I can no longer count his ribs from a distance. He still ask for food all day long, and most of the time we have something for him. He now will eat 1 and 1/2 servings but will leave food in his bowl. If asked he will share food with any of us and occasionally plays with his food like a normal toddler.
2. Digestion issues: We were told that Isaac was allergic to everything and that all foods seemed to cause him diareah. He has only had this one time with us and no other incidences.
3. Drugs: Isaac was on two very intensive psycotrophic drugs when we met him. They kept him groggy, dragging and just plain out of it. When he would take one of them, I could literally watch the personality being snuffed out of him.
Now: We have totally weened him off of one of the medicines and he will be done with the other on on Saturday. We have not noticed any negative behaviors or issues arise as of yet. What we are seeing is a normal three year old boy. To the untrained eye, 3 year old boys do look like someone who is mentally ill.
4. Behavior: When we first met Isaac he was complacent and obedient to a fault. Yes, it was cool that he could put on his own diaper, but that is not normal. He didn't cry or protest because it was forbidden.
Yes, we have taken him backwards in this regard, but I know it is for the better. He does throw tantrums, he does scream and shout when he doesn't get his way. He also goes to time out, explains and/or shows me what he needs to do that is correct and give great"I'm sorry hugs and kisses." We are all learning.
5. Potty: When we met Isaac his other family had given up on Potty training and just left him in wet and messy diapers.
I am happy to say that he is about 85% potty trained. He has only gone #2 in a diaper or underpants 2 times since we have met him. He is starting to ask to go pee and poo. We are getting there. We have not started night time training because he will not get out of his bed for any reason at night.
6. Brothers: Emerson and Isaac's bond is growing but I will admit it is slow. Isaac really wants me all to himself which causes tension for both of them. Emerson does a good job of including Isaac, and Isaac is great with making sure Emerson gets what he needs. They don't quite know how to play together yet, but I think it will take Isaac moving into the next developmental stage for that to happen.
7. Attachment with Us: So here it is, I am going to tell the truth. Attachment to a toddler is slow going. With Emerson things were quick. He was a baby. Yes it was hard to parent him when he came home and it was not an easy road but he did not really have quirks yet. His demands were over basic needs or specific discomforts. Isaac is 3.5 and has expereicned a lot in his short life. Like it or not the kid has baggage. He has things he likes and doesn't like and because he is 3 this changes every hour on the hour. Don't get me wrong. John and I adore Isaac. We are so happy he is in our family. And, it is a slow process to grow to love a child who has just joined your family in the way that one should love a son. Fortunately, I know it will happen. Everyday we get to know him better. I look forward to looking back on this post in a year or 6 months and smiling at how much progress we have made.
One big thing is that Isaac has started to dole out kisses to the two of us. It took almost a month but it has come and it came on his terms which makes me very happy.
8. Coordination: When we met Isaac he barely had enough strength to run, not to mention that he was wearing shoes that would fall off of his feet because they were too big. We were told that he HATED the water. He rarely had time to play outside or run around like a boy should. He would fall easily and cry hysterically when he would trip.
Now, poor little guy has many bumps and bruises all over his knees from running and falling. The good news is that he is trying all these things and everyday he becomes more coordinated. He loves the water and begs to take a bath now and always wants to go to the pool. We still have a long way for him to go before he is where his peers are, but I am sure it will come.
9. Self Play: This is slowly improving but it still needs some time to develop. I think this will get better as I am home for my leave and he feels more attached to us.
10. Language: This is the area where we need the most help. He does not seem to be able to make many sounds and he is very hard to understand. I would say 90% of his tantrums are because he can't communicate a need or want. We are teaching him to sign as fast as he can learn. I can't wait to get him started in the early intervention program so that we can see more progress. We meet with the cleft pallet team on August 26th where we will learn more.
Tomorrow is my last day of work for the next 6 weeks and I am glad. I am sad that I will not be there for my kids, but it is really too much, too soon. I know these next 6 weeks will fly by. More on that another day. This tired mama needs some sleep.
In light of keeping things in perspective for us to look back on and to help our friends family and other adoptive parents see what is going on, I will list what I see as the big changes.
1. Food and Weight: When we first met Isaac he was skin and bones with a rock hard distended belly. When we ate, he shoveled everything in his mouth as quick as he could and begged for every grain of rice to be scraped from his bowl and he would pick up any stray bits.
Now: Isaac appears to have gained weight and I can no longer count his ribs from a distance. He still ask for food all day long, and most of the time we have something for him. He now will eat 1 and 1/2 servings but will leave food in his bowl. If asked he will share food with any of us and occasionally plays with his food like a normal toddler.
2. Digestion issues: We were told that Isaac was allergic to everything and that all foods seemed to cause him diareah. He has only had this one time with us and no other incidences.
3. Drugs: Isaac was on two very intensive psycotrophic drugs when we met him. They kept him groggy, dragging and just plain out of it. When he would take one of them, I could literally watch the personality being snuffed out of him.
Now: We have totally weened him off of one of the medicines and he will be done with the other on on Saturday. We have not noticed any negative behaviors or issues arise as of yet. What we are seeing is a normal three year old boy. To the untrained eye, 3 year old boys do look like someone who is mentally ill.
4. Behavior: When we first met Isaac he was complacent and obedient to a fault. Yes, it was cool that he could put on his own diaper, but that is not normal. He didn't cry or protest because it was forbidden.
Yes, we have taken him backwards in this regard, but I know it is for the better. He does throw tantrums, he does scream and shout when he doesn't get his way. He also goes to time out, explains and/or shows me what he needs to do that is correct and give great"I'm sorry hugs and kisses." We are all learning.
5. Potty: When we met Isaac his other family had given up on Potty training and just left him in wet and messy diapers.
I am happy to say that he is about 85% potty trained. He has only gone #2 in a diaper or underpants 2 times since we have met him. He is starting to ask to go pee and poo. We are getting there. We have not started night time training because he will not get out of his bed for any reason at night.
6. Brothers: Emerson and Isaac's bond is growing but I will admit it is slow. Isaac really wants me all to himself which causes tension for both of them. Emerson does a good job of including Isaac, and Isaac is great with making sure Emerson gets what he needs. They don't quite know how to play together yet, but I think it will take Isaac moving into the next developmental stage for that to happen.
7. Attachment with Us: So here it is, I am going to tell the truth. Attachment to a toddler is slow going. With Emerson things were quick. He was a baby. Yes it was hard to parent him when he came home and it was not an easy road but he did not really have quirks yet. His demands were over basic needs or specific discomforts. Isaac is 3.5 and has expereicned a lot in his short life. Like it or not the kid has baggage. He has things he likes and doesn't like and because he is 3 this changes every hour on the hour. Don't get me wrong. John and I adore Isaac. We are so happy he is in our family. And, it is a slow process to grow to love a child who has just joined your family in the way that one should love a son. Fortunately, I know it will happen. Everyday we get to know him better. I look forward to looking back on this post in a year or 6 months and smiling at how much progress we have made.
One big thing is that Isaac has started to dole out kisses to the two of us. It took almost a month but it has come and it came on his terms which makes me very happy.
8. Coordination: When we met Isaac he barely had enough strength to run, not to mention that he was wearing shoes that would fall off of his feet because they were too big. We were told that he HATED the water. He rarely had time to play outside or run around like a boy should. He would fall easily and cry hysterically when he would trip.
Now, poor little guy has many bumps and bruises all over his knees from running and falling. The good news is that he is trying all these things and everyday he becomes more coordinated. He loves the water and begs to take a bath now and always wants to go to the pool. We still have a long way for him to go before he is where his peers are, but I am sure it will come.
9. Self Play: This is slowly improving but it still needs some time to develop. I think this will get better as I am home for my leave and he feels more attached to us.
10. Language: This is the area where we need the most help. He does not seem to be able to make many sounds and he is very hard to understand. I would say 90% of his tantrums are because he can't communicate a need or want. We are teaching him to sign as fast as he can learn. I can't wait to get him started in the early intervention program so that we can see more progress. We meet with the cleft pallet team on August 26th where we will learn more.
Tomorrow is my last day of work for the next 6 weeks and I am glad. I am sad that I will not be there for my kids, but it is really too much, too soon. I know these next 6 weeks will fly by. More on that another day. This tired mama needs some sleep.
Monday, August 9, 2010
No Child Left Inside
I have so much to say that I can't decide where to begin. I want to tell everyone about our amazing time in the country this weekend, but I was also surprised this evening with a gift of such kindness that I want to share that news as well. So there will be part one and two of this post.
Part 1: The woods
As most of you know John and I are very into the outdoors. Emerson has grown up thinking that all trees are watered by little boys and that a campsite is just as good of a place to sleep as a bedroom. Isaac on the other hand has had very little unstructured outside time. Let me go one step further. Isaac has had almost no time to truly just experiment, to try and fail and try a different way. As a result he shows very few problem solving skills. At home this leads him to get really angry and frustrated. Yesterday we spent the entire day with the boys running around or friend's property up north. They piled gravel with their trucks, they stacked bark into piles, they watched butterflies, they swam in the lake, they turned the compost, chased the cat, and truly explored their surroundings. I watched with pride as Isaac was confident enough to go out of my site because he was captivated by a butterfly. I was overjoyed when Emerson told me he was hungry and then he proceeded to pick and eat some figs off of the tree.
There is something about nature that brings out the best in my children. They were on neutral territory, it was peaceful, they noticed little things like the breeze, or the cicadas. They ran and laughed and they were just boys. It helped tremendously that our friends we were visiting us love all of us unconditionally. You have to be a brave sole to invite a family with two wild three year old boys to your home. The loves us through time outs and fits, along with all of the good stuff. It was a wonderful day.
Part Two: The Suprise.
So a while back I had a pity party on a rough day. Unlike most pity parties though it did not fall on deaf readers, What I love about our community is that we truly are blessed to know some amazing people and many of you have been in that same place. Tonight I came home (the boys were all still out) after a very long day at work, to a gift basket and card sitting on the kitchen table. I sat down to look at the card only to realize that many of my fellow adoptive Kazakh parents put together a huge gift basket of fresh food and frozen meals for my family. Each had included a sweet note of encouragement.
What an amazing gift of kindness and support! Thank you from all four of us.
This week is going to be crazy as I am back full time to get my students started and then I am off for the next 4-6 weeks. Today was a very long day that started at 4:45am. As soon as the boys got home we headed out to the Meet the Teacher night. It went pretty well but Isaac lost it at the end.
My mom and dad came over and brought us some wonderful food for the week, and now I am off to clean the kitchen and sleep fast before another long day.
Part 1: The woods
As most of you know John and I are very into the outdoors. Emerson has grown up thinking that all trees are watered by little boys and that a campsite is just as good of a place to sleep as a bedroom. Isaac on the other hand has had very little unstructured outside time. Let me go one step further. Isaac has had almost no time to truly just experiment, to try and fail and try a different way. As a result he shows very few problem solving skills. At home this leads him to get really angry and frustrated. Yesterday we spent the entire day with the boys running around or friend's property up north. They piled gravel with their trucks, they stacked bark into piles, they watched butterflies, they swam in the lake, they turned the compost, chased the cat, and truly explored their surroundings. I watched with pride as Isaac was confident enough to go out of my site because he was captivated by a butterfly. I was overjoyed when Emerson told me he was hungry and then he proceeded to pick and eat some figs off of the tree.
There is something about nature that brings out the best in my children. They were on neutral territory, it was peaceful, they noticed little things like the breeze, or the cicadas. They ran and laughed and they were just boys. It helped tremendously that our friends we were visiting us love all of us unconditionally. You have to be a brave sole to invite a family with two wild three year old boys to your home. The loves us through time outs and fits, along with all of the good stuff. It was a wonderful day.
Part Two: The Suprise.
So a while back I had a pity party on a rough day. Unlike most pity parties though it did not fall on deaf readers, What I love about our community is that we truly are blessed to know some amazing people and many of you have been in that same place. Tonight I came home (the boys were all still out) after a very long day at work, to a gift basket and card sitting on the kitchen table. I sat down to look at the card only to realize that many of my fellow adoptive Kazakh parents put together a huge gift basket of fresh food and frozen meals for my family. Each had included a sweet note of encouragement.
What an amazing gift of kindness and support! Thank you from all four of us.
This week is going to be crazy as I am back full time to get my students started and then I am off for the next 4-6 weeks. Today was a very long day that started at 4:45am. As soon as the boys got home we headed out to the Meet the Teacher night. It went pretty well but Isaac lost it at the end.
My mom and dad came over and brought us some wonderful food for the week, and now I am off to clean the kitchen and sleep fast before another long day.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
We took a big step forward!
My father loves those sudoku puzzles and he likes the really hard ones. This is not something I would consider doing if I was stranded on a desert island because I find the puzzles maddening. When I ask him why he does these incessantly he tells me he loves how he gets really stuck and what an exhilarating feeling it is when he is able to race through 4-5steps all at once, just by figuring out one number.
That is what today felt like, minus the presence of any logic. If you asked me what kind of day it was going to be at 8:30 this morning, you would have gotten an ear full. There had already been a cumulative of 45 min of time outs between Isaac, Emerson and finally me. Isaac would not use words, would not use sign language. He would just shout at me and grunt and say no and kick OVER, and OVER, and OVER again.
The plan for the day was to go to Alabama Adventures (a water park.) I was nervous after this morning to say the least. Crowded places make great venues for children to throw high stakes temper tantrums, and I did not feel up to the challenge. But today was also the last weekday they were open and my last day off before going to work for the next week. So, after the last time out we all get in the car. I have brought enough "lunch" for 12 people, The boys (John included) have eaten half of the snacks 20 min. into the drive. We get there and I have the boys split a wonderful cookie from Zoe's that was part of our amazing dinner a dear friend brought over last night.
When we got to the park we met up with a friend who's daughter is from China and was also born with a cleft pallet. There was something about getting to be there with a friend that made it very special for me. Yes, it was still life in 30 sec. conversations, but it made me feel normal for a minute. Much to my surprise the day was wonderful. There were no needed time outs, only a few shouts that were solved by turkey sandwiches and some sibling jealousy that was solved by races down the slide. I was completely shocked.
When we got home I put both boys down for a nap and surprisingly both boys slept. I then raced over to school because at about 2am last night it hit me that I am going to work tomorrow and I have kids to meet and impress in a few days. YIKES. I got some stuff done but man there is a lot more that needs to happen. It is going to be a juggling act because the one thing that sends Isaac spiraling is having to share me. We are working on this but it is slow going.
The biggest treat of the day was that our good friend Martha came over to see us tonight. She got there before the boys woke up which was nice, because I got some much needed adult conversation. Then Isaac got up first. He was a bit groggy and clingy but was not to bothered by another person in the house. Then Emerson woke up. Isaac is very jealous and intimidated by Emerson, so he began shouting and grunting at him. This went on for 10 or so minutes before he was in time out. Oh no, I am thinking here goes a repeat of the morning. Somehow Isaac's mood shifted and he slowly started to play and race. Mind you he did it with a slice of bread in his hands that he was happily munching on the whole time. It was assume to see his transition. It wasn't rapid, but it is not supposed to be. I am just so thankful that my dear Friend was patient enough to hang out, not take things personally and allow him to ride the wave of emotions of a new person.
The other big step was that tonight Isaac and Emerson played together in Emerson's sleeping fort. One more thing is that he down right cuddled with John tonight for a good 10 min.
That is what today felt like, minus the presence of any logic. If you asked me what kind of day it was going to be at 8:30 this morning, you would have gotten an ear full. There had already been a cumulative of 45 min of time outs between Isaac, Emerson and finally me. Isaac would not use words, would not use sign language. He would just shout at me and grunt and say no and kick OVER, and OVER, and OVER again.
The plan for the day was to go to Alabama Adventures (a water park.) I was nervous after this morning to say the least. Crowded places make great venues for children to throw high stakes temper tantrums, and I did not feel up to the challenge. But today was also the last weekday they were open and my last day off before going to work for the next week. So, after the last time out we all get in the car. I have brought enough "lunch" for 12 people, The boys (John included) have eaten half of the snacks 20 min. into the drive. We get there and I have the boys split a wonderful cookie from Zoe's that was part of our amazing dinner a dear friend brought over last night.
When we got to the park we met up with a friend who's daughter is from China and was also born with a cleft pallet. There was something about getting to be there with a friend that made it very special for me. Yes, it was still life in 30 sec. conversations, but it made me feel normal for a minute. Much to my surprise the day was wonderful. There were no needed time outs, only a few shouts that were solved by turkey sandwiches and some sibling jealousy that was solved by races down the slide. I was completely shocked.
When we got home I put both boys down for a nap and surprisingly both boys slept. I then raced over to school because at about 2am last night it hit me that I am going to work tomorrow and I have kids to meet and impress in a few days. YIKES. I got some stuff done but man there is a lot more that needs to happen. It is going to be a juggling act because the one thing that sends Isaac spiraling is having to share me. We are working on this but it is slow going.
The biggest treat of the day was that our good friend Martha came over to see us tonight. She got there before the boys woke up which was nice, because I got some much needed adult conversation. Then Isaac got up first. He was a bit groggy and clingy but was not to bothered by another person in the house. Then Emerson woke up. Isaac is very jealous and intimidated by Emerson, so he began shouting and grunting at him. This went on for 10 or so minutes before he was in time out. Oh no, I am thinking here goes a repeat of the morning. Somehow Isaac's mood shifted and he slowly started to play and race. Mind you he did it with a slice of bread in his hands that he was happily munching on the whole time. It was assume to see his transition. It wasn't rapid, but it is not supposed to be. I am just so thankful that my dear Friend was patient enough to hang out, not take things personally and allow him to ride the wave of emotions of a new person.
The other big step was that tonight Isaac and Emerson played together in Emerson's sleeping fort. One more thing is that he down right cuddled with John tonight for a good 10 min.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Tear down the walls to rebuild them yet again
So since my pity party post the other day I have been wanting to write several times. There are times when I get the great giggles, hugs and cuddles and I think gosh, I should go write. Then something will set one of the boys off and we are back to square one and sometimes even into the negative numbers. I think, well I should blog about this too. For it is real, it is not all rosy. John and I know that we are in this for the long hall through the ups and downs, but Emerson and Isaac have been subjected to life with us for good and for bad, they did not consiously choose this path. I am happy that we have a safe loving home for them, yet at the same time I am sad, and frustrated that they have so much hurt and trauma that led them to us.
One of the reasons I continue to write is that I know many of my readers are adoptive parents, and those who are thinking of adopting. I must stay real to what is truly going on. There is tremendous joy in our lives and there are other moments I want to sit in the corner and ball my eyes out for so many reasons. Is it worth it? Yes, we will make it through this stage? Yes. Will it take a lot of work to make up for all the wrong that both of our children had to experience in their early years? Yes. Did we survive this with Emerson? Yes
So where are we now? Now we are really getting into reality. Isaac is starting into the transition phase. Technically he is going through a text book toddler adoption transition. It is "healthy" but hard. He is still so tied to his institutional settings. This is despite being in the US for 11 months now. Sadly his last home was like an institution without the discipline.
Food is a huge issue. Most fits are over food, but I believe right now he is trying to test if there will always be food. No mater where we were today there would be a melt down and at the end of it when we got him calmed down and asked what he needed it was food. (He can tell us this through sign language but does not have the words yet.) Once offered food he is not that interested in it. He is starting to say he is full before food runs out which is good. He is not always clutching his glass as he shovels his food, but he does not trust that all locations have food. I do bring food with me everywhere so I think this will work itself out. This is really how a baby will work itself into a frenzy over being hungry but not having the skills to communicate their need before they are so upset.
Regression: I am watching Isaac revert before my eyes. I have read about this being necessary, but it is like living with Benjamin Button. Today I could not leave his site, he needed me to feed him, he needed to be rocked in the rocking chair at nap time, he barely bumps himself and tears are shed, he wanted to be carried everywhere. This is all relay good stuff, but incredibly confusing for me, John, Emerson and Isaac. Isaac does not know what he wants from minute to minute, nor do I know what he needs. I can see and watch his internal conflict. One second he wants to be babied, and the next he is crying because he wants/needs to do it him self. He will be throwing a fit and pushing me away, but scream bloody murder if John walks him away out of my site when I need a break. Again, I know this is normal, but It is hard on all of us.
Siblings: Having two is new to us. It is a big step and Isaac is the only one who has been there. The biggest thing I am going through is that I really miss Emerson. Isaac needs me so much, and he gets really upset when Emerson comes near me. I know this will get better as Isaac's confidence grows. It is hard to be in referee and to also help them cultivate a relationship. They both have extremely sweet moments of sharing and bringing each other a comfort item. But then there is the pinching, pushing, crying, the competing for lap space. I will say we went into a second adoption because we felt strongly about Emerson having a sibling. It would be incomplete to say we did it all for him, but it was part of it. I want them to play, and to love each other. Again, I know it will take time and I am looking forward to it happening, but I don't think it will happen until Isaac levels out from his roller coaster. It is mellowing Emerson out in many ways and I am proud of him for sharing me so much with Isaac. Does he have a lot to learn about being a brother, Oh YES, but we are only on week two.
The Outside World:
They tell you when you adopt, to hole up for a while, lay low, be boring, set the routine, limit expose to new people. This is really easy to read and to acknowledge but it is hard. Mostly for us. We are active people and we NEED our friends and family right no. As fun as it is to converse with two three year olds who are both language delayed, we need other adults in our lives to help keep us energized and to keep our sanity when we are trying to "sell" Isaac on why it is a good idea to put shorts on before going to the grocery store. Yet, we can also see that too many daily transitions and too many interactions with other people are triggers for melt downs. There is one school of thought that kids should not get to run the show, and the other thought is this little boy has been through so much. How much should we ask of him? I have to constantly remind myself he has only been in our world for a little over a week.
So where do we go from here and what can we do to make tomorrow better:
1. I need to e-mail the international clinic a big list of questions.
2. I need to make a pitcher of coffee. I drink iced coffee in the summer, why not be prepared for early mornings.
3. We need to really think hard before large group activities about whether it is really worth it.
4. No more group shopping for a while. One boy is all that comes on outings.
5. Limiting my working time to nap time.
6. Making sure that John and I are both able to get some personal and adult time with friends and out of the house if possible.
Last but not least, some of you have asked about what we need, so here is our wish list from a newly formed family of four:
1. We would love some sort of party to recognize this big event.
2. When school starts back for me I need food to stock the freezer so that I can concentrate on my boys after a long day at work.
3. If people would like to go in on a gift, we would love to have professional family pictures taken and printed. Isaac's old home did not have one picture of him and it never did. I have put a few pictures up of Isaac and he gets so excited about them. He also notices that the pictures over the mantle do not have him in it. This breaks my heart because I want him to know he is part of our family through thick and thin.
4. As always we greatly appreciate those of you who comment and offer moral support. It means so much to us to know that we are supported and that we are not completely off of our rocker that what we are going through is "normal."
Right now, life is moving backwards, but it is the only way to move forward on the right direction. Once again my scientific mind is put to the test and logic has been thrown out of the water.
One of the reasons I continue to write is that I know many of my readers are adoptive parents, and those who are thinking of adopting. I must stay real to what is truly going on. There is tremendous joy in our lives and there are other moments I want to sit in the corner and ball my eyes out for so many reasons. Is it worth it? Yes, we will make it through this stage? Yes. Will it take a lot of work to make up for all the wrong that both of our children had to experience in their early years? Yes. Did we survive this with Emerson? Yes
So where are we now? Now we are really getting into reality. Isaac is starting into the transition phase. Technically he is going through a text book toddler adoption transition. It is "healthy" but hard. He is still so tied to his institutional settings. This is despite being in the US for 11 months now. Sadly his last home was like an institution without the discipline.
Food is a huge issue. Most fits are over food, but I believe right now he is trying to test if there will always be food. No mater where we were today there would be a melt down and at the end of it when we got him calmed down and asked what he needed it was food. (He can tell us this through sign language but does not have the words yet.) Once offered food he is not that interested in it. He is starting to say he is full before food runs out which is good. He is not always clutching his glass as he shovels his food, but he does not trust that all locations have food. I do bring food with me everywhere so I think this will work itself out. This is really how a baby will work itself into a frenzy over being hungry but not having the skills to communicate their need before they are so upset.
Regression: I am watching Isaac revert before my eyes. I have read about this being necessary, but it is like living with Benjamin Button. Today I could not leave his site, he needed me to feed him, he needed to be rocked in the rocking chair at nap time, he barely bumps himself and tears are shed, he wanted to be carried everywhere. This is all relay good stuff, but incredibly confusing for me, John, Emerson and Isaac. Isaac does not know what he wants from minute to minute, nor do I know what he needs. I can see and watch his internal conflict. One second he wants to be babied, and the next he is crying because he wants/needs to do it him self. He will be throwing a fit and pushing me away, but scream bloody murder if John walks him away out of my site when I need a break. Again, I know this is normal, but It is hard on all of us.
Siblings: Having two is new to us. It is a big step and Isaac is the only one who has been there. The biggest thing I am going through is that I really miss Emerson. Isaac needs me so much, and he gets really upset when Emerson comes near me. I know this will get better as Isaac's confidence grows. It is hard to be in referee and to also help them cultivate a relationship. They both have extremely sweet moments of sharing and bringing each other a comfort item. But then there is the pinching, pushing, crying, the competing for lap space. I will say we went into a second adoption because we felt strongly about Emerson having a sibling. It would be incomplete to say we did it all for him, but it was part of it. I want them to play, and to love each other. Again, I know it will take time and I am looking forward to it happening, but I don't think it will happen until Isaac levels out from his roller coaster. It is mellowing Emerson out in many ways and I am proud of him for sharing me so much with Isaac. Does he have a lot to learn about being a brother, Oh YES, but we are only on week two.
The Outside World:
They tell you when you adopt, to hole up for a while, lay low, be boring, set the routine, limit expose to new people. This is really easy to read and to acknowledge but it is hard. Mostly for us. We are active people and we NEED our friends and family right no. As fun as it is to converse with two three year olds who are both language delayed, we need other adults in our lives to help keep us energized and to keep our sanity when we are trying to "sell" Isaac on why it is a good idea to put shorts on before going to the grocery store. Yet, we can also see that too many daily transitions and too many interactions with other people are triggers for melt downs. There is one school of thought that kids should not get to run the show, and the other thought is this little boy has been through so much. How much should we ask of him? I have to constantly remind myself he has only been in our world for a little over a week.
So where do we go from here and what can we do to make tomorrow better:
1. I need to e-mail the international clinic a big list of questions.
2. I need to make a pitcher of coffee. I drink iced coffee in the summer, why not be prepared for early mornings.
3. We need to really think hard before large group activities about whether it is really worth it.
4. No more group shopping for a while. One boy is all that comes on outings.
5. Limiting my working time to nap time.
6. Making sure that John and I are both able to get some personal and adult time with friends and out of the house if possible.
Last but not least, some of you have asked about what we need, so here is our wish list from a newly formed family of four:
1. We would love some sort of party to recognize this big event.
2. When school starts back for me I need food to stock the freezer so that I can concentrate on my boys after a long day at work.
3. If people would like to go in on a gift, we would love to have professional family pictures taken and printed. Isaac's old home did not have one picture of him and it never did. I have put a few pictures up of Isaac and he gets so excited about them. He also notices that the pictures over the mantle do not have him in it. This breaks my heart because I want him to know he is part of our family through thick and thin.
4. As always we greatly appreciate those of you who comment and offer moral support. It means so much to us to know that we are supported and that we are not completely off of our rocker that what we are going through is "normal."
Right now, life is moving backwards, but it is the only way to move forward on the right direction. Once again my scientific mind is put to the test and logic has been thrown out of the water.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
This Mama needs a time out!
I am not sure why I am in a funk today, but alas I am. Maybe it is because we did to much yesterday which let to numerous Isaac melt downs. Maybe it is because he started the morning off with meltdowns before Mama got her coffee thus my perky sense of behavior management had not kicked in. Maybe it is that jealousy has kicked in between the two boys. Emerson was sick on Thursday and Friday and needed me. Isaac was not so impressed with the idea of sharing me. I am also back to a pattern of having to search out "me" time. I know it is crucial to occasionally tell all three of my boys that I need time so that I can be a better mommy when all three of them need me at the same time.
I think too, I am just going through the natural "down" after the adoption "high." Reality is sinking in. Please know, we are happy beyond belief to be on this road. Just like a runner in a race, loves to run, but questions their sanity before they reach the top of a grueling hill. Yes, we asked for this but some days I am sad that it is so different than other people's experiences of adding a new child to their family.
Warning over emotional pity party coming:
For Example:
1. No one throws a party for a 3 year old coming home. I know people aren't out of respect for Isaac's need to have quiet time and not get overwhelmed. But it feels sad non the less that adoptive mom's don't get the joy of a baby shower. Instead I get to spend quality time collecting stool samples to see if he has parasites.
2. People don't come over and offer food or help. Again, I understand that this is because Isaac needs to see that we are the parents who take care of him. It does not help that he has a very sensitive stomach and we have to be very careful in what we feed him.
3. It is also hard because they both need us so much right now in different ways. This I know is true for ALL families. Unfortunately this also means that by the end of the day John and I are too tired to be there for each other. Unfortunately it will be a while before Isaac can stay with someone else.
I know tomorrow will be a different day. Things will get better and I will get better at this juggling act. Things I am learning:
1. No mater how much John and I want to go swimming, doing it at nap time is not a good idea.
2. I need to start getting up before the family. Because it is summer I have been letting the boys wake me up. Unfortunately this has me running before I have woken up and it makes for one cranky mama.
3. I need to ALWAYS have food for Isaac. He is always hungry and he has trust issues with food. If I don't feed him (the correct food) right away we all take a big step backwards.
4. I need to start making big batches of food for the family so that when school starts back I am not totally overwhelmed when I get home from a long day.
5. I must find time each day for myself, Even if it is early in the morning sitting quietly drinking my cup of coffee.
6. I must go to bed early so that I have the energy to face the challenges they are throwing at us with some grace and humor.
On a very different note, we have started the finalization process. Isaac will officially legally be ours for ever by October 22:)
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