I will start by saying that I have no idea how single parents do it. I have the utmost respect for them as well as those who have partners that are away for long periods of time. With that said I am so appreciative that John and I are able to tag team right now for I am sure both of us would have lost our mind this week without being able to go into grown up time out to take a few deep breaths.
Here is where we are right now: Isaac is off of all his medicine. Emerson has been at school this week so Isaac is getting lots of one on one time. We are also having many many issues with behavior this week that are definitely pushing our buttons and trying our patience.
Our big question is: How do you establish love and trust with a very hurt 3.5 year old with limited communication skills at the same time establish health boundaries and discipline? So far it has been very hard. I have mentioned before that falling in love with a 3 year old takes time. Discipline the "normal" three year old is Hell at best. Now add into the fact that his last placement had two really bad things going for it.
1. His parents had no control. When he tantrum ed they caved until...
2. He spent the last 6 months drugged into compliant behavior. The problem I am seeing with this is that he did not have to learn impulse control and how to manage his emotions because it was done for him. I would have less issues with the drugs if they had followed through with therapies and consistent support to teach him the skills he needs. Now that he is off the meds he is ridding a roller coaster.
The other major obstacle is that he looks like a 3.5 year old, but really is processing information around a 1 or 2 year old at times. I am having such a hard time gaging when he is being defiant to test the waters and tick us off, or because he is not developmentally capable of processing cause and effect. Take last night; Isaac kept throwing toys. I explained to him that we do not throw toys because they hurt people when they hit them or because we might break something. I even demonstrated this. I gently corrected him two more times. Then the last time as he was reeling back to throw a toy car at the window I told him not to throw it. He looked me right in the eyes and threw it anyway. So off to time out we go. He is screaming crying and as always doing his classic scream over and over again. At the end of three minutes I go to talk to him and he backs up down the hall. I ask him to come or else there will be three more min in time out. He did not come and back he went. The next time I go to talk to him he tries to hit me. I hold his arms and repeat "we do not hit, we use nice hands" while showing him. We eventually get to an "I'm sorry for throwing" and a hug. Two minutes later, he throws another toy at the window. He goes back and then I put him in the Ergo for the rest of dinner making.
One new thing was are trying is the family hour. After dinner we have they boys color or work on some craft project while John and I clean the kitchen. Then we do some activity. Two nights ago we went canoing in the lake, and last night we went for a walk in the neighborhood. It is nice to set aside this time just for the four of us.
Ultimately we have a ton of work to do before Isaac will really feel like he is part of our family. We recognize that a lot of it will take time and that we need some strategies for how to love and support him, while also keeping him safe. There are times he makes us absolutely loose our mind and it is so hard to keep our cool. We know from working with troubled teens that this is classic behavior for kids who have been hurt before. Go ahead and do the pushing, because then you are in control. What we need help with is figuring out what he is capable of developmentally so that we can be disciplining appropriately and having realistic expectations. I don't want him to do things out of fear of consequences I want him to do them because he knows they are right or because he trust his parents to make good choices.
One last note is that I need to give John lots of credit right now. Those of you who know us closely know that we are not always on the same page. To be honest we are doing good just to survive most days. Our life pre-Emerson was one of crazy adventures of mountaineering, winter camping, and long rafting trips. We had a hard time adjusting to life with a child. We never really figured out how to have a relationship where we did not get to have such intense bonding time where we were not caring for another person. I will be honest that I worried about adding Isaac to our family might just be the breaking point. In fact it has been the opposite. We now realize that we need each other and our kids need us. We recognize that when one parent has that look, they need a hug and a cup of coffee and permission to go have a time out. I now see what a challenge it is to get the kids up and out and ready for school. John sees how much work it is to get healthy food prepared with two kids nipping at your heals. While time together with just the two of us is slim we are looking forward to the possibilities. In the mean time I am just happy that we have each other.
We have lots of help comming in the near future:
Tomorrow IEP meeting to get Isaac started in school next week
Monday first family therapy with adoption specialist
Tuesday: Isaac's first day of school
Wednesday: Back to the itnernational clinic with the physician, developmental screaning, and psychologist
Thursday: Cleft palet clinc to check on his hearing, future surgery needs and education for us
wow. breathing with you. love, sharron : )
ReplyDeleteKaron,
ReplyDeleteWow, that was a lot to take him, my mind is spinning in circles just trying to absorb everything you are going through and yes thank god you do have John. Honestly I do not think a single parent to handle what you are going through alone, I know I could not. From a nanny's point of view ( that is what I do for a living) I have a lot of experince with all ages of young children. I think you need to treat him like a 18/20 month old and honestly I do not think he even gets time outs. The poor thing is so lost and confused about everything and scared to death, that good behavior is completely out of ball park at this point. I think carrying him in the egro carrier as most as possible to promote closeness is a great start. Therefore a trust that you will be there for him regardless if he is good or bad will start to help him want to be good. As you know all children want to be good and feel excepted and loved. It just breaks my heart into a million pieces to think what this poor boy has gone through in a mere 3.5 years. That is Henry's age now and he also has very limited speech like Isaac because of his Apraxa of speech disorder. Henry has had intense ST since he was 18 months old and I can not even begin to think where he would be emotionally if he had not received all that help.
Karon, I think about you all the time and think you are doing an amazing job. Your boys are both so lucky to have you as there mama. Keep up everything you are doing and I am sure in no time Isaac will start feeling all the love you have for him and his behavior will start getting much better.
Thanks again for your unbelievable honesty, you are a super star!
xxoo,
Carolyn
Keep on keepin' on--some of what Isaac is doing is pretty normal, even for a three year old with no emotional trauma. It's a good thing that he's testing you, because that means he's trying to establish boundaries, which is the beginning of trust. I think you're on the right track to reinforce the boundaries. Because he was so drugged, he probably doesn't even understand what boundaries are normal, so this is his way of understanding what's ok and what's not. I watched my grandson last summer for a week, and he was three years old at the time. He would occasionally do exactly what I asked him not to do, looking me right in the eye. It was his way of testing me to see if I would follow through. He earned a time out for the behavior every time and eventually decided that it wasn't a good plan to carry through when Grandma said "No". Your consistency is probably also a foreign concept to him since he was either drugged or his parents caved in when he acted inappropriately. It sounds like you're doing everything right. Most of all, you love him, and he's finding out that he can misbehave and still be loved. That in itself is a huge thing for a little guy who has been so rejected. I'm praying for you!
ReplyDeleteDad and I are so proud of you two. We think things are going as well as could possibly be expected. It is so important that you and John are consistent with both the boys and that you two are together as far as boundaries go. What is really confusing to a child is when one parent is lenient and the other is more rigid so it sounds to us like you are doing great and that John and you are together as a team.
ReplyDeleteIt is a proven fact that children with boundaries are far more secure than children that don't have known limits. Even though there is resistance right now, if you can be patient and just keep reinforcing the boundaries and praising for good behavior/good choices, you will eventually see trust and security developing in Issac.
We think the key here is that it just takes time, time and more time and sounds like you are making amazing progress for this short a time frame.
Just keep loving those boys and loving each other. We're praying that the Lord will give you all the love, patience and wisdom that you need to do the job He has called you to do. You're not in this alone and HE is also on your team plus you have two huge families rooting and praying for you four!
y'all have some wise supporters. . .
ReplyDeleteHoly Moly—all of this sounds so familiar. So happy to hear this experience has brought you and John closer together. It's so hard to look at a child who is chronologically one age and developmentally another. As you know Garrett is 8, but functions on a 4-5 yo level. It's so hard to stay cool at times, so I admire your determination and willingness to get help. Hang in there, your boys need you (and vice a versa).
ReplyDeleteI second your comment about single parenting. We tag team as much as possible which is essential to my mental health. This is why Irina's total rejection of Sne has been so hard - as I wasn't getting a break AT ALL (I know you can relate). Fortunately this has become a bit better but he still can't really comfort her when she is upset. At 16 mos I am already seeing some issues with institutionalization that we will have to work on. For one, when she gets really mad or that overtired frustration, she gets mean and bites or hits indiscriminately (I have the gouges to prove it). And she is already testing by looking to me and smiling when she is doing something she knows that she isn't supposed to be doing. So I appreciate your candor and strategies. Speaking of which, have you tried "time ins" rather than "time outs?" Or linking the consequence to the behavior (ala love and logic), for example, we take away any toy that is thrown and put it on top of the refrigerator. Anyway, hang in there and keep on being there for each other.
ReplyDelete