So since my pity party post the other day I have been wanting to write several times. There are times when I get the great giggles, hugs and cuddles and I think gosh, I should go write. Then something will set one of the boys off and we are back to square one and sometimes even into the negative numbers. I think, well I should blog about this too. For it is real, it is not all rosy. John and I know that we are in this for the long hall through the ups and downs, but Emerson and Isaac have been subjected to life with us for good and for bad, they did not consiously choose this path. I am happy that we have a safe loving home for them, yet at the same time I am sad, and frustrated that they have so much hurt and trauma that led them to us.
One of the reasons I continue to write is that I know many of my readers are adoptive parents, and those who are thinking of adopting. I must stay real to what is truly going on. There is tremendous joy in our lives and there are other moments I want to sit in the corner and ball my eyes out for so many reasons. Is it worth it? Yes, we will make it through this stage? Yes. Will it take a lot of work to make up for all the wrong that both of our children had to experience in their early years? Yes. Did we survive this with Emerson? Yes
So where are we now? Now we are really getting into reality. Isaac is starting into the transition phase. Technically he is going through a text book toddler adoption transition. It is "healthy" but hard. He is still so tied to his institutional settings. This is despite being in the US for 11 months now. Sadly his last home was like an institution without the discipline.
Food is a huge issue. Most fits are over food, but I believe right now he is trying to test if there will always be food. No mater where we were today there would be a melt down and at the end of it when we got him calmed down and asked what he needed it was food. (He can tell us this through sign language but does not have the words yet.) Once offered food he is not that interested in it. He is starting to say he is full before food runs out which is good. He is not always clutching his glass as he shovels his food, but he does not trust that all locations have food. I do bring food with me everywhere so I think this will work itself out. This is really how a baby will work itself into a frenzy over being hungry but not having the skills to communicate their need before they are so upset.
Regression: I am watching Isaac revert before my eyes. I have read about this being necessary, but it is like living with Benjamin Button. Today I could not leave his site, he needed me to feed him, he needed to be rocked in the rocking chair at nap time, he barely bumps himself and tears are shed, he wanted to be carried everywhere. This is all relay good stuff, but incredibly confusing for me, John, Emerson and Isaac. Isaac does not know what he wants from minute to minute, nor do I know what he needs. I can see and watch his internal conflict. One second he wants to be babied, and the next he is crying because he wants/needs to do it him self. He will be throwing a fit and pushing me away, but scream bloody murder if John walks him away out of my site when I need a break. Again, I know this is normal, but It is hard on all of us.
Siblings: Having two is new to us. It is a big step and Isaac is the only one who has been there. The biggest thing I am going through is that I really miss Emerson. Isaac needs me so much, and he gets really upset when Emerson comes near me. I know this will get better as Isaac's confidence grows. It is hard to be in referee and to also help them cultivate a relationship. They both have extremely sweet moments of sharing and bringing each other a comfort item. But then there is the pinching, pushing, crying, the competing for lap space. I will say we went into a second adoption because we felt strongly about Emerson having a sibling. It would be incomplete to say we did it all for him, but it was part of it. I want them to play, and to love each other. Again, I know it will take time and I am looking forward to it happening, but I don't think it will happen until Isaac levels out from his roller coaster. It is mellowing Emerson out in many ways and I am proud of him for sharing me so much with Isaac. Does he have a lot to learn about being a brother, Oh YES, but we are only on week two.
The Outside World:
They tell you when you adopt, to hole up for a while, lay low, be boring, set the routine, limit expose to new people. This is really easy to read and to acknowledge but it is hard. Mostly for us. We are active people and we NEED our friends and family right no. As fun as it is to converse with two three year olds who are both language delayed, we need other adults in our lives to help keep us energized and to keep our sanity when we are trying to "sell" Isaac on why it is a good idea to put shorts on before going to the grocery store. Yet, we can also see that too many daily transitions and too many interactions with other people are triggers for melt downs. There is one school of thought that kids should not get to run the show, and the other thought is this little boy has been through so much. How much should we ask of him? I have to constantly remind myself he has only been in our world for a little over a week.
So where do we go from here and what can we do to make tomorrow better:
1. I need to e-mail the international clinic a big list of questions.
2. I need to make a pitcher of coffee. I drink iced coffee in the summer, why not be prepared for early mornings.
3. We need to really think hard before large group activities about whether it is really worth it.
4. No more group shopping for a while. One boy is all that comes on outings.
5. Limiting my working time to nap time.
6. Making sure that John and I are both able to get some personal and adult time with friends and out of the house if possible.
Last but not least, some of you have asked about what we need, so here is our wish list from a newly formed family of four:
1. We would love some sort of party to recognize this big event.
2. When school starts back for me I need food to stock the freezer so that I can concentrate on my boys after a long day at work.
3. If people would like to go in on a gift, we would love to have professional family pictures taken and printed. Isaac's old home did not have one picture of him and it never did. I have put a few pictures up of Isaac and he gets so excited about them. He also notices that the pictures over the mantle do not have him in it. This breaks my heart because I want him to know he is part of our family through thick and thin.
4. As always we greatly appreciate those of you who comment and offer moral support. It means so much to us to know that we are supported and that we are not completely off of our rocker that what we are going through is "normal."
Right now, life is moving backwards, but it is the only way to move forward on the right direction. Once again my scientific mind is put to the test and logic has been thrown out of the water.
Hugs Karon, it is so hard to adjust when the kids are older. I remember when we first were placed with our foster daughter last summer who was 3.5yrs at the time. It.was.hell. I loved having her & her sister but a 3yr old is SO different then 1yr old or less that the boys were when we came home. I was too hard on myself, now I know it takes months to adjust to the extra work, trying to be there for everyone, I need to give myself & the kids some slack in the beginning. I would encourage you & John to get out & have that personal time, that was a big mistake we made. We holed up & I burned out. :)
ReplyDeleteYou are doing an awesome job! It's so exhausting when they are older, it's worth it however I had never been so weary. :)
I want to thank you for being so honest. I also think it's good for you, so you can use this blog as an outlet. It really sounds like you are doing everything right. It is still so early in your new lives together, and everything you are going through now will definitely have a payoff one day.
ReplyDeleteJust remember that you are now in the storming part of team formation and norming then performing comes next so hang in there as you will move past this stage. That said, I already recognize so many of the things that you said and we already experienced in Kaz during our bonding trip. The sibling rivalry (even Irina would look at me funny when Miras would sit on my lap and of course Miras had to insert himself in the middle every time I tried to give personal attention to Irina). Irina wanting to both be held / rocked and be down exploring at the same time - she couldn't decide which she needed more. At least we'll have some alone time with Irina in Kaz before we get home to "reality" (although the Almaty transition with Miras was a rough one too!). Also, since Isaac is a small kid, you may want to try the technique we used with Miras when he first came home and wouldn't leave my side or became over-stimulated easily: I put him in the Ergo carrier and he went everywhere with me on my back at home when I needed to get things done or on my front when we were in a store or overstimulating environment. If Emerson will tolerate this, it did wonders for his trust/confidence and calmed him. All the best with this transition and hope you see the light of the end of the tunnel soon.
ReplyDeleteI also wanted to thank you for taking the time to post your thoughts and experiences. So many people get busy when they return and never post about the transition period. It is especially helpful for us as we will be going through it soon enough. All the best!
ReplyDeleteAustin's therapist said something so interesting today. She mentioned that children in the age range of 3-6 have formed their Egos but are unable to hold them together for an entire day and often "fall apart" or disperse in late afternoon. Austin however is still in the emotional level of a two year old so his is always dispersed. This makes so much sense when you watch him interact. He acts more like Asa than Serik even though the older two are only 4 months apart.
ReplyDeleteThis is perhaps the most difficult part. Having a child that is physically one age but emotionally another. It is so easy to get caught in the trap of expecting them to be able to do the same things and be at the same level but we have to be constantly reminded that they are in fact not on the same level.
We are two years into this process with Austin and the dust has finally settled. It is so much easier now. It sounds as though you have a firm grasp of what everyone needs and it all sounds like it is going as well as it possibly can. :)
Hi Karon,
ReplyDeleteI find myself yet again wanting to thank you for being so honest and open to all your readers, I would rather call us" good friends". No one can truly understand how hard this transition is on you. Even though Henry was not a toddler when I brought him home he still was very difficult. I know you know from bringing Emerson home. I felt very alone and I most likely suffered post adoption blues. I have two very good friends who have brought home babies from Kaz not long ago and only because I am very close to them do I know they too suffered and had a very tough time in the beginning but of course did not share it with the outside world. It is a shame people are afraid to share out of shame.
You are doing any amazing job with both your boys and I do not even want to think where they would be without you and John as there parents. I wish I lived closer because I would throw you a BIG party and help you as much as I could:)
Thinking of you all the time and sending you BIG hugs.
I know this is a both difficult and joyous time for you. If you'd like me to take your family pictures, I'd be happy to do so at no charge. www.morganmine.com I'll provide a CD of edited pictures and a copyright release so that you can print whatever you'd like.
ReplyDeleteI too applaud your honesty. I wish I had done that when we adopted Garrett. He was almost 6 when he came into our family and no one threw us a party or brought us food. But, then again, I didn't ask. Like Carolyn wrote, it may be because I was feeling shame. That I was feeling alone and not doing as well as I thought I should have been doing. So please continue to reach out and connect with your friends. Lean on us. You're an inspiration to us all.
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