Secondly, I must say it felt great to teach this week. I have wonderful classes, eager awkward tweens, that I am thrilled to embrace and care for through this time in their life where so many are willing to dismiss them or run away in fear of their seeming ambivalence. I am teaching a new grade this year and so far it seems a great fit for me. I am also with 1/3 of my students from last year. This feels right as I felt like they needed to not have to completely start over again this year with their teacher relationships.
I also got to help a child with a major problem. I can't go into detail here, but I will say, it felt right to be able to really listen to a child and fix what was going on, rather than following the bureaucratic procedure that did not match the child's situation. If I did nothing else this week of value, this one conversation made the rest of the week worthwhile.
Both boys have had a successful week of kindergarten. I have kept the issues about food away from them. They are too young to be in the middle of it. Yes, they will still have a two week math unit starting next week with food. I pray for the best for all involved. I hope sincerely that my intuition is wrong. And, I am still going to be as proactive as possible and I vow to love my child through what ever happens as a result of his reaction to the situation. I am the grown up and I must provide the stable walls that my child can lean on when needed. I love him when he is is whole and when he is broken and I love him when he is sad and when he is happy. He is my son, and he is a child of this world and he deserves to be loved, and cared for. Not everyone can do this for every person. I get that. I just need to know how to be there for him when he falls, and pray with all of my heart and soul that no one else hurts him as bad as he has been hurt in the past.
I guess, and I am not sure if this is common for parents like me, that I feel like I let him down. For three years we searched for Isaac. We looked in Bulgaria, the US, Kazakhstan. And we missed him. We, like so many others, overlooked our own son while he waited, starved, rotted, wondered, cried, suffered. With all of my heart I wish we could have found him sooner, prevented so much of his pain. But we didn't. All we can do now is protect and prevent it from happening again, Unfortunately people don't believe us, patronize us, and ignore our pleas for differentiation. I am left with a mother of a broken child's last defense, unconditional love.
My sister shared this link with me: http://www.handsfreemama.com/2012/08/21/loving-a-child-through-the-challenges-of-life/ and I realized that sometimes all I can do is be there no mater what. While I want to protect him, I am realizing that part of the sadness of kindergarten is loosing some of that control of protection.
I am scared. What am I afraid of? I fear that he will be ostracised by his peers if he has a PTSD episode. I am afraid he might hurt a peer, himself or the teacher. I am afraid he will return to eating out of the trash and off the floor. I am afraid that he will not learn because he is only paying attention to the sustenance of the food and not the content of the lesson. I am afraid he will not love school or resent his teacher. I wish I could believe that I am just many of the over protective helicopter parents of kindergartners. I wish, my fears were not warrantied. I wish my child was never traumatized, I wish he had never had food withheld from him. I wish we had found him sooner.
On a positive note, we did find him. He is healing. PTSD rears is ugly head, less and less. He can show love, he can know love, we are honored with a son.
I didn't think the last post was a downer - you need to protect your child. That said, Kindergarten is the place to learn how to act in lots of different school situations and children come in to it with much different levels of readiness to do so. A good teacher should collaborate with you to figure out what is working and what isn't. For example, already there is a girl in Miras's class who is acting out. And I overheard the parent-teacher conversation and this girl is REALLY acting out - flipping over her chair, rolling around on the floor, throwing her shoes, etc. And she is more than a bit snotty/mean. I doubt that she has PTSD (but maybe some control issues?). Of course she sits right next to Miras! I'm assuming that she (and the teacher and her parent) will figure out a way to cope and get with the program eventually. Just consider it all a teaching moment - as it sounds like everybody is doing well so far!
ReplyDeleteKaron--I LOVE the poster here, and I so admire your gut-level honesty, your courageous spirit, and your undying love for your children and for doing what is right for them. I will be there to cheer you on, and I so wish I was a child advocate and could go in those IEP meetings and sit down with you. I do have a friend in Connecticut who is a child advocate and may possibly be able to offer you some more help. Her name is Ann McCarthy and she is amazing and knows the laws for children backwards and forwards. I will get her email address, and I would love it if you would invite her to your blog community. Big hugs to you and John and those precious boys. I so wish I could teach them and hug them and keep food the hell out of a math lesson or any lesson for that matter and screw the starry eyes...what the hell is that?! I love that this blog is private now, so I can curse out loud in print in the South! :) love ya!
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