Fight or Flight

By nature I am a take flight sort of person.  I am not big on confrontation, or pointing out other people's faults, short comings, or what appears to be wrong from my point of view.  Granted in the South, I apparently am still considered a fighter because I dare blog or question. Survival wise, that leaves me with the option of running.  For years I was a runner (literally.)  Then I headed out West to start a-new, and I ran figuratively from one exciting adventure to the next.  When life became to routine or mundane, or just plain wrong, I could pack my two boxes of stuff, throw it into my jeep and flee. 

The beauty of this lifestyle was shallowness along with a sense of refreshing adventure.  Everything is so crisp and exciting when it is new.  You don't yet know the intricacies, the gossip, the bullies, the politics of a place, and for a flee-er, this is grand.  But as time goes on, you become close to someone, or you observe something over and over again.  You are smart enough to recognise a cultural pattern.  Up jump the values, the endorphins, the conscious being, which start to flinch with the imperfection of a place. 

I have lived in enough places (4 countries, 9 states) to know that no place is perfect.  This too is the curse of the fleer.  You know that you will get the initial rush of newness, only to be slammed in the face with the mundane jadedness of daily life once the dust has settled on your new dwelling. 

Right now, (if you could not tell by the tone of the post) I am in a melancholy place.  Don't worry AL family and co workers I am not packing or on the run again.  We are locked in place for a while.  Not to mention that my body has made it clear that I am no longer to be a runner.  It has made it clear by breaking the very fiber of my being one joint at a time. 

So now what?  I am currently in the middle (of what for me) is a very frighting place.  I know that I see the world differently than those around me.  I don't long for simple or convenient.  I don't crave popularity and busyness, or events and adrenaline.  I am a literalist and a globalist, yet I strive for self sufficiency and sustainability. 

There is nothing in particular that has put me in this current mood.  I think that is why it is affecting me so profoundly.  I feel as though I am square peg, in a round hole world.  What is sad for me, is that I cannot, for the first time in my life, picture what it is that would feel right.  Maybe this is a result of the complexity of raising two very unique boys.  Maybe it is because my husband is a fighter, who will, and does stand up for what is just (in his mind.)  Maybe it is due to loneliness of the soul, with a lack of time and energy to spend with kindred spirits.  Maybe it is that my filter for injustice has become weekend due to the events that led us to home-school our boys (even though I know with all of my heart that this is the right thing to do). 

What ever it is, my soul is aching and feels alone and lost right now.  I feel fragile.  I wish that I was an innate fighter.  I know that I am no longer physically capable of being a runner.  Unfortunately, this leaves me feeling like I have joined the indifferent.  To my soul, there could be no greater insult. 

Fun at the Farmer's Market

What a fabulous day today we have had.  Saturday for us equates with a day at the farmer's market downtown.  We did not have a booth most of the summer, because we were so booked with orders.  We like to sell again in the fall so we can get people ready for the spring, even though you can actually garden 12 months a year here. 

My mom was kind enough to offer to pick the boys up at the market so I could help John and so she could get some special time with the boys.  They had a great morning of playing on the playground and trying on their new Halloween costumes (which are very cute.)  I had a great time talking gardening with people today. 

Our booth was swamped the entire time the market was open.  We went through 150+ brochures and many more cards.  We had old costumers come and ask for more, and say how much they loved the beds.  Mostly we just had lots of excited people who realized that they too could have a garden when they thought it was unattainable before. 

It was just a great morning, filled with passionate people.  People who are willing to do things different and find that fun.  People who work with their hands and are proud of their products.  People who asked about our boys and were sad not to see them running through the market today. 

It reaffirms for me the notion that we as humans are pack animals.  We do need a pack.  Not necessarily a large one, but we need to be part of a group where we have commonalities with those around us.  Today was a day of being on common ground with many others and it was a good day. 

We are now getting ready for the week ahead, and John and I actually had time to sit down and go over the "lessons" and "goals" of the school weak.  The boys will be learning lots about sight and sound, African animals, geography, habitats and cultures.  There will be more math and baseball practice, and a canoe trip is planned for Monday.  Our boys are learning to write, by writing thank you notes, invitations, and cards to friends.  So far it is a fun adventure and we are all learning loads through the process.  Now if we could just find the time to set up their school room and finish installing the wood stove, life would be grand. 

Daddy School

It is hard to believe that one week ago today at this time, my kids were just realizing that it was their last day of "school" for them.  I took the boys to William's Orchard on the way home, and dealt with one of Emerson's largest meltdowns to date.  Isaac had his last night terror last Friday as well.  We had a wonderful, healing and restful weekend.  I worked hard on setting my three boys up for success for the next week, and we dove head first into life's next chapter. 

I must say, life has a funny way of preparing you for the unknown future.  John and I have years in the field of experiential education.  We have worked extensively with kids who did not fit the mold, and all of that is paying off now. 

John, and the boys have had an amazing week of learning.  The boys have started off each morning with desk work of hand writing, art and fine motor skills.  They do tons of math with John when making breakfast and lunch.  John has had them test race cars at different angles to see which one will be the fastest.  They went on a hike behind our house and found a turtle.  Next they went to the library to ID the turtle and find story books about turtles.  Yesterday, they played baseball and the boys had to use a measuring tape to see how far they hit it.  Each time they had to count out loud the feet, and the record their personal best in their journal along with the weather, date and name. 

I am learning that what we are doing with our boys has a name:  "Unschooling."  When I first heard this term I laughed.  Kids can't learn just by being kids.  Well, probably not everything.  What we are learning to do right now for our kindergarten boys, is be intentional about teaching through the activities we do. 

Best of all, we have had a meltdown free and night terror free night.  Isaac is no longer eating food off the floor or hoarding food, and his regressions are more playful than hateful.  Emerson is not constantly being defiant or ignoring us. 

No, it is not perfect or easy, but it sure does feel right for now.  I can't wait to see how they grown this year through this process. 

Officialy Homeschoolers

Two weeks ago if you had asked me my opinion of homeschoolers and homeschooling, it would have been pretty narrow and very judgmental.  If you had asked me if my family would ever consider it, I would have given you 20 reasons why it wouldn't work.  And, well, now I am at a place where I get to eat a lot of words, probably be on the other end of judgment, and we get to figure out a way around all of those 20 excuses. 

For you see, we worked really hard to be given the privilege of raising our two boys.  We did not accidentally become the parents of two special needs boys with a convoluted, less than favorable, past.  We choose this path very consciously.  With that choice came a lot of risk, a whole lot of change, and ultimately a very new definition of what "adventure" would look like in this phase of our lives.  Most importantly we acknowledged what every parent must face, the fact that we must do what is best for our children. 

For four weeks, we gave normal an honest try.  What we got was reports that our kids were doing great at school, but at home we were seeing a drastically different tale.  Isaac would revert every afternoon, shouting that I was not his real mother, reliving his trauma nightly through night terrors, and went back to food hoarding, gorging and eating out of the trash.  Emerson came home daily a wreck from over stimulation and exhaustion.  His tantrums became so violent that he would punch me in the face while scratching me until he drew blood.  While my heart broke, and sanity dwindled at seeing their unhealthy responses to stress, I realized that teaching them to be confident and secure in who they are, had to become our first priority. 

Our kids were not ready for the one size fits all mainstream education.  They were not ready to drop their naps, or have several transitions throughout the day, or strong enough to have the will power to say no to things that are not good for them.  John and I knew it was not a good fit, but what next. 

We explored our options, and after 1.5 weeks we know the path we will take for this year.  We are now "those people" who home school.  Yup, try and squeeze our family into those stereotypes you have always thought of.  Funny picture, right?  This is what we have learned, there are 1000's of reasons why people do it.  I have two beautiful and talented reasons that live with me everyday. 

Off we go, into this adventure whole hearted.  We are excited to see where this leads us, our boys, and their concept of family.  I have signed the paperwork and we have made the commitment.  It is exciting to think of all of the possibilities and to be able to tailor their days to who they are.  For too long in their young lives, there were just a number, a check list, something to deal with.  For now, they get to be the priority and we get to teach them what they so desperately need to learn. 

Week One at a glance

So here is what I am giving John to start off with for the week.  We figure it will be easier to go from structured to spontaneous, rather than the other way around.  We also know that plans are just a starting point, then there is reality. 

Week at a Glance: Sept 17-
Theme: Getting started
Goals and Objectives:

• Set up classroom space
• test out daily schedule to see how flow works
• incorporate in-breaths and out-breaths throughout the day
• The boys need to have a positive experience with minimal stress.

  Subject	Monday	Tuesday Field Trip Day	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday 21 Fall Equinox
  Movement/ Music/ Singing/ Art	Days of the week, months of the year and ABC’s Mark the date on the calendar and write this in their journal along with the weather.	Field Trip Day to RMCS	Days of the week, months of the year and ABC’s Mark the date on the calendar and write this in their journal along with the weather	Days of the week, months of the year and ABC’s Mark the date on the calendar and write this in their journal along with the weather	Days of the week, months of the year and ABC’s Mark the date on the calendar and write this in their journal along with the weather First official day of fall
  Household/ Garden	Cleaning and scrubbing upstairs of the barn.	Packing their lunch for the day	Making a list of what is needed. Boys write this in their journals	Setting up their classroom	Setting up their classroom
  Math	Book Store with Mimi. Plan a budget.	Time leaving, time to get there and # of miles recorded in journal	Writing numbers in journals and dates. How far can you go (where we started from)	Handwriting the number 5	What does five look like. Estimation and creation of groups.
  PE	Baseball at home or at Clay Park	Railroad park after the RMCS	Hiking	Playground and 10am story time	Free Choice
  Science Exploration	Finding Nemo Movie with Mimi.	Bring scooters and hot wheels and a stop watch (you have one on your phone) Race cars down hill and time them. Which one goes the fastest and why?	What does 5 mean. Collect 5 beautiful things from your hike. ID/ define + vocabulary. Press plants for their journal.	D/ define + vocabulary	Fall equinox egg balancing trick http://francesa.phy.cmich.edu/people//osborn/egg1.html
  Writing	Practicing the letter R Big drawings, stories and sidewalk chalk		Practicing the letter R	Make name templates for the “desk” 1st and last. Make letter R wall cards for the barn.	Writing their alphabet in their journal as a starting point. Caps only.
  Thinking of Others and History Planning for the future.	How to plan a birthday party. Boys make a list of who they want to come to their party.		Look at the calendar for dates between the boy’s birthdays.	Call pump it up for available times and cost. Write down details.	Call Mimi and explain the “plan.”
  Reading Done with Mom Practice Sight words daily.	Reading with mom and story time. Aesop's fables	Reading with mom and story time. Aesop's fables	Reading with mom and story time. Aesop's fables	Reading with mom and story time. Aesop's fables	Reading with mom and story time. Aesop's fables
  Screen Time	Movie theater	PBS Kids Word Girl word of the week	PBS Kids Wild Krats	PBS Kids Dino Train	Family Movie Night

  
  

And the plan is...

When John and I got married a little over ten years ago, we put one particular phrase in our wedding vows.  "I promise to keep life exciting and adventurous."  Just a little word to the wise:  If you don't mean this, don't say it because wishes do come true.  There are days that I now call successful just because they are boring and went just as they were planned.  But those days are few and far beyond. 

Yesterday I was speaking to someone who knows of our situation and how much we are struggling to figure out what the "right thing to do" is.  When I told him our plan forward he said, "I am so sorry, I know this is not how you envisioned things."  True, very true.  For years we have looked forward to kindergarten as a family.  We worked so hard with both boys and their pre-school teachers in the early intervention program so that they would be ready to be mainstreamed by 5.  We not only had a goal for our boys, but we could picture how we thought it would be attained. 

And, this is just a new topic for a frequent theme of how we learn in life, that not everything is supposed to go according to plan.  When I stoped to think about it, we are thrilled to take this next step.  We are running to something that we feel is right.  Notice I did not say "easy."  Somehow we seem to be allergic to such paths, although they look so pretty and clear.  I must say we feel a bit as though we did when we first chose to adopt.  We started of knowing we wanted a family.  Our imaginations were too limited and sheltered to know how that one simple wish would lead us to the most precious gifts the world has ever offered us.  Were they perfect, matching, easy to come by, with fair tale stories to go along with them?  No, but we did not specify that in our wish. 

Our wish for our boys is that they will learn about the world around them so that they become productive contributing members of society.  We thought this meant public school, down the street.  Little did we know how small a dream this was compared to how our boys need to learn and where they are emotionally.  We have known these last few weeks that our boys were not in a place that matched their needs.  We have known for one week that a change had to be made ASAP. 

Yesterday was their last day at their school, and it was sad for many reasons, even though it was the right choice.  I am mostly sad because being a parent sometimes just plain stinks.  The boys will morn this change and loss of another community.  Yet, they did the same thing for other places they needed to leave.  Still, it stinks to be the one who had to make that call.

Monday, though starts something new.  Here is our ideal plan for now: 
(We still have one more school to visit on Tuesday before we can fully move forward.)

1. Enroll the boys in the homeschooling academy
2. Join Red Mountain Community School's correspondence program
3. The boys all go to school on Thursday's at RMCS
4. John teaches them the bulk of their subjects through experiential learning in the mornings, naps in the afternoon while he builds, and I do the rest in the evenings/weekends while he delivers.
5. We have a field trip once a week.
6. Then we would like to officially apply for the Waldorf school with the hopes that they would start there in the fall for 1st grade. 

So this is the plan today.  If you are wondering how long it will be the plan please go back and read the first part of the blog:) 

Why?

My father loves to tell the story of how one of my brothers was running away from a bee, and managed to break his foot.  I would always ask, "did he get stung."  Dad would respond "who knows?  His foot hurt so bad that the bee was the last of his worried. 

I have internalized this story growing up to mean "Don't run from something you are afraid of, or that you think will hurt you, because you will only end up hurting yourself."  So while decisions have needed to be made this week and we found our family on a path that was scary and wrong, we did not want to run from it.  We wanted to take survey of our surroundings, really figure out what the issues were and then move ahead with confidence and eagerness to the next step. 

But, why was the current situation the "bee to get away from?"

1.  I think the most valuable thing this past week has taught us, is that it is our job as parents to do what is right for our boys.  Not necessarily what we planned to do, or is convenient, or financially easier, or just because everyone else is.  We started our boys on a kindergarten path that we looked forward to for years.  We assumed because they had so much success in pre-school at the same location, the transition would be easy.  We were wrong.

2.  Some situations and places, despite their best intentions, are not going to be a good match for our kids.  I am sure every parent thinks, "my kid is different,"  "my kids is special."  Fortunately we have a system in place that meets the needs of the majority of the types of kids ways of being "different and special."  My kid's issues are the outliers of this system (for now, maybe forever, but certainly for now.)

3.  My boys are not ready to give up naps.  Yes, there is about 20-30 min for "rest and naps," but I mean my boys really need a real nap.  Emerson operates at 100 RPM's and while he will mature and learn to pace himself, he does not know how to do this yet.  As a result he is crashing and burning from sensory overload every day at the end of the day.  Schools are beautifully colorful places with lots of things for kids to look at, many people in a crowded space, lots of transitions, and different people to get to know.  For Emerson, this setts of too many senses being used at one time and he becomes an overstimulated mess by the end of the day.  Isaac suffers from night terrors.  The most effective way to minimize these is by making sure he does not get exhausted.  They currently have a long day, and without the break for a nap he ends up winding up so much before bed, that he is back to taking forever (even with melatonin) to go to sleep at night.  Then he has a night terror that sets the stage for further exhaustion the next day. 

4.  I am seeing a huge insecurity in both boys in regards to their place in the family.  Emerson must ask me 5-10 times a day if I am going to die?  He literally cries daily over his worry that John or I will die and leave him all alone.  Isaac, is just regressing back to the days where he does not get who is in charge.  When I reach for his hand to cross the road, he pulls away, when I try to help him with something he runs off to "take care of it himself."  We have come to far, to go back now.  I truly feel like my boys need more time to build their family foundation, and the foundation of who they are and what they believe in, before we send them off to be cared for and tested. 

And, I know there are more things that have been running through our mind, but alas, it is 3 am and Emerson is crying out for me, so I  must go.