This got me to thinking about my relationship with all three of my boys. We have pretty full plates on a day to day basis of things to accomplish. Granted many of these things are choices, but our life is full none the less.
When I look at what agitates me on a day to day basis making me less than my most patient compassionate self the list is some stuff that is in the normal range of five year old behavior, and then some of the stuff that comes up is pretty darn complicated. For the things in the normal spectrum I am finding that the following things help me to do a better job at loving my children through their struggles:
- Get enough sleep and get up early, preferably before they do. I love my mornings, and I also love my own time to define the day be getting ahead for the day. When I wake up already being pulled in too many directions or having to react to situations that are already underway, I find I go into reactive parenting mode way too quickly.
- I must find a chunk of time during the day to do my stuff and do it uninterrupted. In the school year, this means getting to work early where no one is around to interrupt me. In the summer, I get to work out at the YMCA while they are in the playroom and I have their nap/down time to do something on my list. If this time disappears for some reason, the quality of the day and interactions goes down hill.
- I MUST find time each day to have quality one on one time with each child. This is the hard one. John and I do a tremendous amount of tag team parenting. Right now the boys really want their time with Mama and who ever is not with me throws a big fit. I need to figure out how to build individual time into a predictable routine with them.
- I need to eat well. If I, or my boys, are running on bad fuel, then nobody is going to be cheery for the day.
Here is where they day shifted. Let me make another note here. I love my children dearly, I am posting this publicly for several reasons. First, I need some support for BTDT families. Some of the baggage that my kids have, is not what most of my peers in real life have expereince with (thank goodness) and there for I must reach out to a much larger communinity. Second, I believe that it is imperative that as an adoptive parent that blogs, I need to be honest in what adoptive kids can go through as a result of institutionalization. This is not to highlight the negative or say my children are "less than" because they are not, and I am very thankful everyday I have the privilege to parent them. AND, there are some big issues that come up, and if you are going to adopt, you need to go in with your eyes, heart and mind wide open. It serves no one to pretend that everything is perfect.
So, back to yesterday... When Isaac woke up from his nap, he was in baby mode. Again, facial expressions, stature, ability to communicate, coordination were all things one would see in a 12-18 month old child. I tried to hold him, he would go limp. I tried to talk to him, he would just look at me blankly then make baby noises. I tried to set him up to color next to me, he took a marker and scribbled over the whole page, (even though he is usually very neat and precise when coloring.) He eventually screamed enough to wake up his brother. Now, Emerson needs my attention because he is cranky that he has been woken up from him nap. I hold Emerson for a few minutes while Isaac continues to go around grunting and toddling around the room.
We then head to dinner with my family. This goes great. Emerson has cousins to play with and lots of people to make laugh at dinner. Isaac is at a Chinese restaurant and is in food heaven. He is on great behavior at dinner. Once we leave, we go grab desert with the family and then we head home.
Once home, I desperately need some down time. All of the activities were too much for me. Emerson has been talking non stop for over an hour asking questions and Isaac is interrupting Emerson only to ask the same question that Emerson asked so that he can have the satisfaction of asking something. The whole way home they fought over everything. I need quiet.
John volunteers to take them outside to play and I am thrilled to just sit and stare at the wall. After about five minutes I hear lots of crying coming from both boys outside. Apparently John was giving the boys piggy back rides on the trampoline. When it was Emerson's turn Isaac got angry with him an pulled him off John's back and then bit him really hard on the back.
John then pulls Isaac off of Emerson and tries to talk to him and find out why he felt that was an appropriate response. When John looks at him, he is back in baby mode. He gets frustrated and raises his voice and Isaac then freaks out and starts throwing up in panic. We are now in trauma mode and John, being a father goes to wash all of the vomit off of Isaac and then he freaks out more because of the water. John has rarely been witness to a PTSD episode. This is where I come out of my five minutes of peace to find all three boys in a panic.
After I get everyone calmed down and Isaac a wonderful soothing bath, and I read both of them stories separately and get them in bed, I finally have a moment to digest all that happened.
Yes, I can appear very hyper vigilant about my kids at times. Yes, I get my buttons pushed with Isaac goes into baby mode, and last night it became clearer why. It is very dangerous to have a child that reacts with the emotional intelligence of a baby but has the strength of a 5.5 year old. This is a problem that I can't just ignore, or get enough sleep so that I can be kind and compassionate. I still don't know sometimes when we get somewhere in public if Isaac is going to be able to follow directions like a five year old, or if he is going to slip into baby mode and just run out in the street or bat my hand away when I try to grab him.
So, for you other parents of kids who have the scars of institutionalization and neglect, how do you deal with this? How do you keep your whits about you in these moments? How do you button proof yourself so that you can be both compassionate and vigilant at the same time?
Wow Karon what an important and sincere blog! The adoptive community and the connection with other parents like you is what has kept me from loosing my marbles completely. Sometimes, I feel SO isolated...and a little skewed...from the rest of the pack. Sometimes I feel completely torn between being proactive against the wounds and laissez-faire. Truth is, it is probably some ridiculous timing of pendulums that dictates my approach or reaction. Every wound is as unique in expression as every child is unique. I don't have a clue...NOT ONE...on how to help either of mine with their wounds. One thing I have learned about B's is that he progresses through it at HIS own pace. I can (and must) provide all the ground work, love, and encouragement, but truly we are all at the mercy of B's readiness to let that one string of the web unravel. One of the biggest challenges to international adoption "twinning" (I hate that term, btw) has been that I have felt in a state of constant triage. Often, by design or happenstance, I find myself having to triage the most urgent need (and sometimes they are in conflict) of each micromoment and it is exhausting!! All in all, I trust statistics here mostly because otherwise it is too much. I see the way they start to have a positive effect on each other over time (don't blink though or you will miss it). You love I and E, you are a phenomenal mother, you are self-reflective and open. A good scientist must not devalue a certain amount of trial and error in the process. We think you guys are the best!!! Love, the crazy circus down the street
ReplyDeleteYes, Karon, I can empathize. Irina has moments like Isaac when she seems to have regressed at least a year or more. All she'll do is wander around the house whining and picking things up and putting them down. She can't say words suddenly (or won't), she can't do the motor skills that she could before, she suddenly can't count or do other cognitive tasks that she could do before. It frustrates me to no end and I end up lashing out at her and then feel really bad afterwards (I admit that I also get so frustrated that I get mad when she can't seem to "get" certain skills like putting on her clothes correctly). I try to remind myself that it is a "brain burp" - and not really her fault - and it will resolve in the morning or after she eats or once she gets over her cold, etc. She is still young so I don't yet have the concern about a baby's mentality in a child's body. That said, I recognize that she has brain damage from all of her risks: in utero and in the orphanage and her neurological issues may not resolve themselves so we need to adjust our methods accordingly. You may want to consider that Isaac's problems are more than simply the after-effects of institutionalization and that they may not resolve or if they do, they may resolve much more slowly than the average child (there is a medical term for slow brain maturation but I can't remember it). While it may not help the frustration (or maybe it would seeing the behavior from a different perspective), it may help to stem the potential danger from the delayed maturation. Not long after we arrived home with Irina I saw a show on TV about adults with ADHD. They basically said that in order to be successful they had to learn how to cope with their brain abnormalities, using methods that have become 'habits,' since the problem wasn't going to go away. Based on this, we try to develop good "habits" that she can use to overcome her brain issues. We are very clear on the 'rules' and teach her appropriate behaviors, techniques or habits for complying with the rules (e.g., self-regulation techniques and the like). If rules are broken we make sure that the rule is re-stated and logical consequences are immediate and impactful. Finally, we try to avoid situations that are likely to result in inappropriate behavior (e.g., she hasn't yet learned to deal with) - thereby not setting her up to fail (nor putting her or anyone else in danger). That said, this is a marathon not a sprint and we are make slow but steady progress. I hope our situation and perspective helped to process yours. Feel free to PM me anytime. p.s., My biggest button is kids who won't sleep. I have zero patience for this. Similar to you, it starts to infringe on Mommy time and makes for cranky and regressive behavior. Fortunately my husband is good with getting them to sleep and getting up if they wake in teh middle of the night. I dread it when he travels for work.
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