Realitities of toddler adoption

The great news in the adoption world is that Kazakhstan is officially re-opened to international adoptions. Granted, it is like a new program with lots of uncertainties but hey, it is good hazing for the reality of parenting. Yet, with adopted parenting, I will say we get a lot of extra variables that most families do not have to consider.


I can still remember trying to prepare for our future child(ren) when we were adopting from Kaz and being on a plan thinking "What in the world are we doing?" People would ask us:

"Is it a girl or boy?"

"We don't know?"

"How old?"

"Between 6 months to five years."

"Wow that is a big age spread?"

"What do the kids from Kazakhstan look like?"

"Lots of things ranging between Asian, Turkish, Caucasian, Kazak, Mongolian..."

Then there was the notion possibility that we might be able to adopt two children at once. This was a lot to juggle and a lot to prepare for. What is ironic is that three years after bringing Emerson home we did bring a second child home who was only four months younger. A toddler.


We got asked a lot at Kazapalooza about what it has been like to adopt a toddler. Mainly because there are many families considering Kazakhstan's new program and the reality is that there are many 3-5 year old kids who got stuck in the system while politicians reworked the system. Unfortunately once kids get older than five years old, their chance of getting adopted becomes very small. So, smartly (in my opinion) Kazakhstan is giving preference to families that are open to adopting toddlers to give them a chance at a forever family.

Here is my advice that you can take or leave. First note of exemption is that we adopted a toddler who was from a Chinese orphanage which is very different from the conditions of most Kazakh orphanages.

1. The good news is you will still be getting a baby, just in a bigger body. Kids have to go through all of their natural phases with their new family. There will be times this is sweet and meaningful and there will be other times that it will feel ridiculous and downright maddening that you are watching a four year old crawl around and suck their thumb.

2. These kids come with baggage. Be prepared to accept it with them and be willing to unpack it again and again. Our son sufferers from PTSD and it is serious stuff to work through. While it is stressful for us, it is heartbreaking for him. Overall I am just thankful our little boy has a family to lean on as he works through all of his baggage.

3. Language was a huge issue at first. Our situation was complicated by hearing impairment and sever neglect. Not only could our son not hear very well, but no one even really bothered to talk to him. He also did not have his cleft pallet repaired until 3 and really not fixed fully until he was almost 5. As a result he had no receptive or verbal language when he came home. He would just sit there and screech at the top of his lungs just like a baby but with a much bigger body. The good news is that he is right on track with language now with still some basic speech articulation issues.

4. You get to learn how to love the little things. Don't expect (especially if this is not your first child) to fall head over heals instantly in love with a newly adopted toddler. You are not their savior and in fact they will treat you more like a kidnapper for the first few weeks maybe even months. There is a reason babies are cute, cuddly and immobile at the beginning. But with all that said, you get to learn how to love actions, small improvements, little moments of laughter, their hair, a silly saying. After a while (like 6 months to a year) all those things do add up to real love of the whole little person who has joined your family.

5. Plan on having to do years of back parenting while also having your child slingshot forward in physical and intellectual growth.

6. Then you also get phenomenal rewards that come with knowledge of the needs of the world. My child is thrilled/relived to see/find me every morning because he still, after two years, is not certain I will be there. My child tells me regularly that he loves having a family and so many people that love him. He also ask "what took you so long to find me? I was waiting for you for so long."


In those moments I can truly say I was looking and I am glad you are finally here and I am so thankful for the opportunity to love you (and all of your baggage.) So, yes, toddler adoption is intense. Please don't go into it naive because it does not help anyone. Read, study, ask question before you go, because once you get home there is no time or space for on the job training. And most of all, if you embark on this amazing journey, be patient with yourself, good love, like good wine or cheese, takes time to cultivate.