An Interesting article.

A Washington Post editorial... It summed up my thoughts exactly.

International adoption instructs our culture
By MICHAEL GERSON, Washington Post

Scott Simon — the sonorous voice of NPR’s “Weekend Edition” — has written a short, tender book about the two most important people in the world. At least to him. “Baby, We Were Meant for Each Other” recounts the arrival of his two daughters, Elise and Lina, from China, while telling the stories of other families changed by adoption.

Simon describes himself skeptical of transcendence but as taking part in a miracle. “My wife and I,” he says, “knew that Elise and Lina were our babies from the moment we received their postage-stamp portraits. I would take the photo out of my wallet in the weeks before we left to get each of our girls and hold it against my lips to whisper, ‘We’re coming, baby.’ ”

It is an unexpected form of human affection — meeting a stranger and, within moments, being willing to care for them, even to die for them. The relationship results from a broken bond but creates ties as strong as genetics, stronger than race or tribe. It is a particularly generous kind of parental love that embraces a life one did not give.

International adoption has its critics, who allege a kind of imperialism that robs children of their identity. Simon responds, “We have adopted real, modern little girls, not mere vessels of a culture.” Ethnicity is an abstraction — often an admirable abstraction, but not comparable to the needs of a child living in an orphanage or begging in roving bands. Adopted Chinese girls are refugees from a terrible oppression — a one-child policy that Simon calls “one of the great crimes of history.” Every culture or race is outweighed when the life of a child is placed on the other side of the balance.

It is one of the noblest things about America that we care for children of other lands who have been cast aside. Simon recalls his encounter with an immigration officer in Chicago: “ ‘When you cross that line,’ he said, ‘your little girl is a citizen of the United States.’ Then he put one of his huge hands gently under our daughter’s chin and smiled. ‘Welcome home, sweetheart,’ he told her.” This welcome to the world is one of the great achievements of history. After millennia of racial and ethnic conflict, resulting in rivers of blood, America declared that bloodlines don’t matter, that dignity is found beneath every human disguise. There is no greater embrace of this principle than an American family that looks like the world.

Instead of undermining any culture, international adoption instructs our own. Unlike the thin, quarrelsome multiculturalism of the campus, multiethnic families demonstrate the power of affection over difference. They tend to produce people who may look different from the norm but see themselves as just human.

Every international adoption involves a strange providence, in which events and choices are random yet decisive. “Those of us who have been adopted,” says Simon, “or have adopted or want to adopt children, must believe in a world in which the tumblers of the universe can click in unfathomable ways that deliver strangers into our lives.”

When a columnist has a conflict of interest, he should disclose it. My wife, born in South Korea, was adopted by an American family at the age of 6 and welcomed into a Midwestern community. I first saw her when we were both 10, and I have never recovered. Years ago, we visited the orphanage where she lived in Inchon — orderly, cheerful, but still with dirt floors. The director said she remembered my wife. She produced the police record relating how On Soon had been found as a newborn abandoned in the market, a note with her name pinned to her blanket.

Life is a procession of miracles, but this one stands out to me. A 6-year-old girl walks off a plane in America, speaking no English, loved by a family she had never met, destined to marry, of all people, me. A series of events that began in a Korean market created my family, my sons, my life. And now my Italian, Jewish, English, Korean boys view themselves as normal, unexceptional Americans. Which they are.

What a day...

Today was one of those days that I started off running and continued chasing until now. Emerson was up at 5am sharp. He was sweet and I enjoyed the nice morning with him, but it was still 5am. I spent my time before Isaac got up running around getting everything together for Isaac's dr. appointments and Emerson's day at school.

Finally I hear Isaac. He now will get out of his bed, but he will not leave his room or call out to us. So I go in there only to find out that he has had explosive diareah and is sitting/trailing it all over the room as it leeks out of his diaper. This was a result of the apple juice I let him have for my romantic b'day dinner of chick-fi-la drive through because John was working. This was not wet-wipe easy fix kind of poo. It needed a good shower. So, nothing like an impromptu shower at 7:15 on a school day while also disinfecting a room.

Then comes breakfast. I am not sure the last time any of you have had the pleasure of sharing a before school breakfast with two three year olds, with food issues and behavior problems, but this is now my definition of HELL. There was spilled milk, changed clothes, yogurt that I just bought that was bad already, "Ew I don't like this." Blah, Yucky, more spilled milk and another outfit and 4 time outs. Oh and no, I never got my coffee or my breakfast before having to run out the door.

So I quickly cram the kids into the only legal place that I can tie them into, the car, and we are off to arrive in the 2 min. window for dropping Emerson off at school. If I show up late I have to park a long way away, haul both of them in, then bring Isaac back out because he is not going to school. Too bad Isaac really wanted to go school and Emerson really wanted to go to the Dr. Have I mentioned that I live in opposite land? Fortunately the teacher came out at 8:04 just to see if we had arrived and grabbed Emerson. Have I mentioned that I LOVE their teacher?

Isaac is now devastated he is not going to school, so he throws a screaming, kicking raging fit for 15min of the 30 min drive through rush hour traffic on the way to downtown. Are we having fun yet? By this point I have gone to my happy place, I am sure Isaac thought I had lost my hearing.

We arrive at Children's and thank goodness I have the Ergo in my car because I need to go on a hike to get to the clinic. We bring a backpack with enough food for 10 (which was all gone by 12:30), crayons, cars, books and loads of paperwork (which no one cared about.) I arrive with 6 min. to spare before Isaac's appointments.

For all of that chaos, the appointments went well. This was the big goal of the day and I must say for having a rough start it went well with minimal tears and meltdowns.

Here is what we learned:
1. First we saw the genetic counselors. They explained that 95% of the time cleft pallets are not caused my genetics but because we did not have any background information on Isaac, we should do a genetic screening to make sure. Yippee I have blood work to look forward to. Not quite the balloon I was hoping he would get or the complimentary wine or Valium dispenser, but oh well.

2. He tested in the lower end of the normal range for hearing. This is very good news because it means that his receptive language can pick up with exposure and time.

3. We met with the surgeon and he said his repair looks good and he explained that what they hope to see is continuous improvement in his speech. If he ever gets to a point where he is stuck with out progress in speech therapy then we might need to look at a different surgery. But for now we are good.

4. A speech therapist came in to take base line information so that they will know how much progress he made in 6 months.

5. We met with an ENT who did say his tubes have both come out and that there is a lot of fluid build up on his ears. We do need to have the tubes replaced and the ears drained soon. Fortunately he said it is about a 5 min. procedure these days.

I will say as hard as it was to keep him in good spirits through out the day it was nice to knock it all out at once. The other big thing is that there is nothing like hanging out at a children's hospital to make you snap out of a pity party fast. I saw some amazing courage today, I saw smiles on kids who had all odds against them, I saw grandmothers being there for their daughters and grandchildren, I saw that I am one lucky Mama to have kids who are doing so well.

Isaac on the other hand didn't get the memo about being thankful and proceeded to throw a fit on the section of the drive he missed this morning. It must have ticked him off royally that I just didn't care because I was too spent at that point to do anything about it. We got home, he got a nap, I took a walk, then it was off to pick up Emerson from school.

Fortunately he had a great day and we had a date to go to the library. I was all excited because I reserved a book for me that was there for pick up. I sent Emerson off to his section only to realize that I requested the cliff notes for the book I wanted to read. OK world I get that I don't have time to really read a book, but I need to, and I am tired of just the cliff notes version of life.

Once home, I reveled in a dinner of chicken soup that was part of my care package from the amazing Kazakh mamas. Every bite helped the woes of the day disappear. We went on a walk as a family and now both boys are in bed. Everyone lived, everyone had good moments, everyone had bad moments, but most importantly we all survived.

The icing on today's crummy cake was that we will not be closing tomorrow on our house, because our mortgage guy didn't bother to read the appraisal until today and wants repairs before he will sign off. Good thing he has had that paper for two weeks. We have lined up a back up lender, and I spoke to the president of the mortgage company which my father and grandfather founded. Let's just say we might get to close on Monday. It is not a good idea to mess with adoptive parents on paperwork issues. We might not have endured the pain of physical labor, but we can sure extract papers from an office monkey.

While today is my birthday, does this mean my age and development match?

So I have often joked about what it would be like if we continued to buy clothes according to our age. For instance Emerson is almost 4 and he wears 4 toddler clothes. Isaac is still firmly in his 3's and wears 3 toddler clothes. So should I know be buying size 33:)

On a more realistic note I bring this up because I spent my b'day at the international adoption clinic doing Isaac's developmental screening and follow up appointment. The good news is that he does not have any parasites, but the bad news is that it means he was so skinny because his former parents were starving him. The developmental specialist confirmed what we were already suspecting.

1. Isaac is really crying, reacting, responding and behaving more like a 20-24 month old than a 3.5 year old. What this means for us is recognizing that he is not going to respond for a while to his new behavior expectations. Just like you have to tell a 2 year old "No" or redirect them for 3 months, we will have to do that with Isaac.

2. On the other hand, his fine moter skills are on track but his gross moter skills are very age appropriate. He can pick up and manipulate small objects, use a fork and spoon and color. This makes sense because this is expected early of orphans.

3. His gross moterskills like running, stairs, coordination are like a young two year old. This also makes sence because he spent so much time in a crib and walker. When in Texas he was not given much or any opportunity to walk on uneven surfaces run up and down hills. This will and is improving but the problem is that he is running faster and is frail and is much farther from the ground then most kids learning this skill.

4. Isaac is one of those few kids that has better expressive language/communication than receptive. I can ask him if he wants and elephant to eat dinner with him and he will say "yes." One minute latter he will tell me Emerson needs to sit at the table for dinner. This makes sense as he could not hear very well in China prior to his cleft surgery and tubes in his ears last Jan. In Texas English and Farsi were both spoken in the house further confusing the situation. Time and school will greatly improve this but boy does it make like difficult for now.

5. Behavior is improving. Isaac went way down after he got off all of his medicine. Fortunately in just two weeks we are seeing him show some restraint, he can be redirected and he is starting to have greater communication skills.

6. One last great thing is that he gained 3 lbs. He looks so much healthier now.

So now I can't help but wonder how I would be rated on the developmental scale. Here is my attempt:

1. Chronological age vs. how old I feel: Yes I am 33 with 2 three year olds and as my brother put it, I should feel 44 by the time I have two 4 year olds. I am aging expediently.

2. Behavior: I wish I could say that I am the perfectly calm composed parent at all moments. I will say I respond well to time outs, dark rooms, and alcholo therapy. Positive reinforcement and unconditional love and supportive phone calls and chocolate also help stave off the next mommy melt down.

3. BMI Charts: Why is it that I run in circles all day but I don't seem to be loosing weight or look like a super model. I just look tired and frumpy.

Our new house

 

 

 

 

Isaac's First Day of School

 

 

 

New shoes and why I love racket ball courts

So the other day I treated myself to a new pair of trail runners. I have not gotten myself new shoes for almost three years due to being on an adoption budget. The holes in the other ones were so far gone that I needed to take the plunge. To top things off I have difficult feet and a complicated ankle injury that acts up when changes are inflicted upon it. Non- the less I found a great pair of shoes that at first were supper comfortable and a good match for my feet. So the next day I go to do my work out (because I must loose the Texas hotel weight I gained.) This morning though I woke up with all sorts of new aches and pains and a very unhappy ankle.

What does all this have to do with our adoption blog? Well, it is a good analogy to what I think Isaac is going through. His old home was like my old shoes, adequate but some major holes were present. Our house is like the new shoes, a better fit, tailored to his needs and lots of support where support is needed. None the less, my body is still sore because it was a change, even if it was a good change. The same is true for Isaac. He is not able to process that this is a good thing or a temporary soreness because it is different. To him sometimes it would seem like a good idea to take the shoes back or not ever work out again because it was/is uncomfortable. It was a way of reminding me that all things take time. Today I will not be able to do as strong of a work out/nor should I. Over time I will get used to the shoes and be able to push to a new limit until another obstacle arises. The same is true for my new little guy. The other big thing, is we are regularly expected to be adjusted right now. Isaac has not yet been in our world for a month. It would be like expecting those 15lbs I want to loose to be gone in the one week of working out. Sure that would be cool, but not exactly a realistic expectation. With Isaac we would be doing fabulous if we all were set in the new normal of our family by Christmas. I say the "new normal" because life will never be like it was before him, nor should it be. We have a new person in our family, and it is tough work to adjust to such a big change. Just like it is tough work to shed these 15 lbs.

On to why I love racket ball courts. If you are looking for a great thing to do when it is raining or a million degrees out, I highly recommend a racket ball court and one ball per child and a racket for the grown up. Yesterday we went into this white room with a door that shut and a place where my kids could scream their hearts out. It was fun for all. I loved just getting to play with them and let them be their wild little selves.

Yesterday I also had a great IEP meeting to get Isaac all set up for school. They managed to get all of his test results from Texas which were really useful and very similar to what I was thinking. It was nice to see that someone else had seen many of the same things. What is also very encouraging is that Isaac has many of the same issues that Emerson HAD. This school is great and I am confident they will have him where he needs to be before kindergarten in two years. So Tuesday he will go for his first day and I think he will love it. He is very routine oriented, he loves crafts and singing and his teacher is unflappable.

Tag Your It...

I will start by saying that I have no idea how single parents do it. I have the utmost respect for them as well as those who have partners that are away for long periods of time. With that said I am so appreciative that John and I are able to tag team right now for I am sure both of us would have lost our mind this week without being able to go into grown up time out to take a few deep breaths.

Here is where we are right now: Isaac is off of all his medicine. Emerson has been at school this week so Isaac is getting lots of one on one time. We are also having many many issues with behavior this week that are definitely pushing our buttons and trying our patience.

Our big question is: How do you establish love and trust with a very hurt 3.5 year old with limited communication skills at the same time establish health boundaries and discipline? So far it has been very hard. I have mentioned before that falling in love with a 3 year old takes time. Discipline the "normal" three year old is Hell at best. Now add into the fact that his last placement had two really bad things going for it.
1. His parents had no control. When he tantrum ed they caved until...
2. He spent the last 6 months drugged into compliant behavior. The problem I am seeing with this is that he did not have to learn impulse control and how to manage his emotions because it was done for him. I would have less issues with the drugs if they had followed through with therapies and consistent support to teach him the skills he needs. Now that he is off the meds he is ridding a roller coaster.

The other major obstacle is that he looks like a 3.5 year old, but really is processing information around a 1 or 2 year old at times. I am having such a hard time gaging when he is being defiant to test the waters and tick us off, or because he is not developmentally capable of processing cause and effect. Take last night; Isaac kept throwing toys. I explained to him that we do not throw toys because they hurt people when they hit them or because we might break something. I even demonstrated this. I gently corrected him two more times. Then the last time as he was reeling back to throw a toy car at the window I told him not to throw it. He looked me right in the eyes and threw it anyway. So off to time out we go. He is screaming crying and as always doing his classic scream over and over again. At the end of three minutes I go to talk to him and he backs up down the hall. I ask him to come or else there will be three more min in time out. He did not come and back he went. The next time I go to talk to him he tries to hit me. I hold his arms and repeat "we do not hit, we use nice hands" while showing him. We eventually get to an "I'm sorry for throwing" and a hug. Two minutes later, he throws another toy at the window. He goes back and then I put him in the Ergo for the rest of dinner making.

One new thing was are trying is the family hour. After dinner we have they boys color or work on some craft project while John and I clean the kitchen. Then we do some activity. Two nights ago we went canoing in the lake, and last night we went for a walk in the neighborhood. It is nice to set aside this time just for the four of us.

Ultimately we have a ton of work to do before Isaac will really feel like he is part of our family. We recognize that a lot of it will take time and that we need some strategies for how to love and support him, while also keeping him safe. There are times he makes us absolutely loose our mind and it is so hard to keep our cool. We know from working with troubled teens that this is classic behavior for kids who have been hurt before. Go ahead and do the pushing, because then you are in control. What we need help with is figuring out what he is capable of developmentally so that we can be disciplining appropriately and having realistic expectations. I don't want him to do things out of fear of consequences I want him to do them because he knows they are right or because he trust his parents to make good choices.

One last note is that I need to give John lots of credit right now. Those of you who know us closely know that we are not always on the same page. To be honest we are doing good just to survive most days. Our life pre-Emerson was one of crazy adventures of mountaineering, winter camping, and long rafting trips. We had a hard time adjusting to life with a child. We never really figured out how to have a relationship where we did not get to have such intense bonding time where we were not caring for another person. I will be honest that I worried about adding Isaac to our family might just be the breaking point. In fact it has been the opposite. We now realize that we need each other and our kids need us. We recognize that when one parent has that look, they need a hug and a cup of coffee and permission to go have a time out. I now see what a challenge it is to get the kids up and out and ready for school. John sees how much work it is to get healthy food prepared with two kids nipping at your heals. While time together with just the two of us is slim we are looking forward to the possibilities. In the mean time I am just happy that we have each other.

We have lots of help comming in the near future:
Tomorrow IEP meeting to get Isaac started in school next week
Monday first family therapy with adoption specialist
Tuesday: Isaac's first day of school
Wednesday: Back to the itnernational clinic with the physician, developmental screaning, and psychologist
Thursday: Cleft palet clinc to check on his hearing, future surgery needs and education for us