There is a chapter in the book The Prophet the explores the balance of reason and passion in our life. To summarise it basically states that life is like a sail boat and our passion is the wind in our sails and our reason is the rudder. Without one, the other is a bit useless.
I bring this up, because I feel like I am in a stage of my life where I am just hanging on in survival mode. My sails are up, and if wind happens to fall into them, I hold on for deal life to the rudder and sail half hardly until the wind dies down. Repeating this process over and over again.
My life used to be filled with passion and reason that I intentionally sought out. I sought out beautiful places to see, wilderness to explore, children to parent, lessons to inspire. Now, though, I feel like I am constantly in search of an eddie on a circular river that starts on Monday and ends on Sunday. The current seems to fast, but at the same time routine, mundane, like I am going through the motions of a well rehearsed play rather than living my life and actively making my dreams a reality.
Right now, I can not even say I have had the energy or where with all to be brave enough to dream. I consider a good day where Emerson does not meltdown, or Isaac does not regress, or John does not get worked up over some new issue. It feels so avoidest (f that is even a word.)
So there, I have named the reason for my withdraw from the world. I am in prevention of damage mode. But, my heart knows that this is not why I am here on this Earth. Yes, survival is a worthwhile goal, but it should be on the list, not just the list. Ultimately, I am passionate about my students, my family, my garden, and yet I am so very tired by the end of the day with just managing the ins and outs of day to day life, that I feel as though there is nothing left of me to branch out of this circular current of survival.
Maybe I should be thankful, but unfortunately I just feel shallow, uninteresting and lost. Maybe also I am just in a reset part of my life where I am bobbing while adjusting my sails, waiting for wind, while looking at the map to know where to steer.
Once again, thank you for sharing. Your vulnerable authenticity is at the same time distressing & refreshing, and somewhat familiar. I will quote my mother again, in response to my past expressions of overwhelm: "Remember that 'this too shall pass'. It sounds like you need a banana, a glass of milk & 8 hrs of sleep, or maybe even a nap would help. " She knew me well, and was usually right. I think the act of writing about your circumstances & feelings is a big help- I hope so. Some "cave time" is needed sometime. You are loved, and anything but shallow & uninteresting- heavens! Sending wishes for some R & R asap. Hugs~
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